10 JOHN BARNES
You’d have thought Barnes would have figured out the television-presenting game by now. Sadly not. I find it hard to watch any of Channel Five’s football coverage, mainly because of Barnesy’s ineptitude and vacuum-like personality. John, you should have stuck to rapping, drinking Isotonic and scoring wonder goals against Brazil.

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Football’s 10 Most Annoying ‘TV Personalities’ continued…

9&8 ANDY TOWNSEND & ALLY McCOIST
‘Townsend and Coisty’ seem permanently joined at the hip and what an annoying double act they are – I have no clue how Townsend wangled himself a media career, while McCoist’s brand of matey Scottish banter is particularly unpleasant. ITV, can you please lock them both in your old Tactics Truck and throw the key into a very deep river.

7 RALF LITTLE
Didn’t he used to be an actor? The Royle Family’s Little now divides his time between playing in low-rent celeb five-aside tournaments – ooh, look, he’s nutmegged Justin from The Darkness! – and playing under manager Graham Taylor in Sky One’s dire The Match. Ralf, you’re a good full-back by Sunday league standards – get over yourself.


6 ALAN SHEARER
Shearer reportedly didn’t take a job on England’s coaching staff because the BBC had offered him a better contract to be a pundit on Match of the Day. England’s loss is also our loss. Shearer’s cliche-ridden punditry makes Alan Hansen sound like Oscar Wilde, plus he wears suit trousers that are blatantly too tight to contain his manly, goal-scoring thighs.

5 GARTH CROOKS
Crooks is to incisive, intelligent reporting what Big Ron Atkinson (see below) is to race relations. Type ‘Garth Crooks’ & ‘Annoying’ into Google and you get 11,900 hits. John Terry wasn’t in the England job five minutes when he had already become so annoyed by Crooks that he said he’d prefer to be interviewed by Ray Stubbs. When Stubbs is a preferable alternative, you know you’re in trouble.

4 TIM LOVEJOY
Self-satisfied Tim – I’ve never met a Tim I like – is the poster boy for every football-loving, lager-swilling, vindaloo-eating, Nuts-reading, Ben Sherman-wearing, Sky dish-owning, Ford Focus-driving, small-town, small-minded lad. And that’s why I can’t stand him. Sorry Tim, that’s just the way it is.


3 ANDY GRAY
Tricky one this. I used to like Gray – he was the proverbial breath of fresh air when he started as a pundit for Sky. But somehow he’s become a loud-mouthed parody of himself. Now, when Gray’s co-commentating with the loveable Martin Tyler, he hardly lets Tyler get a word in – he just won’t stop talking. Andy, I know you used to play the game and you won’t stand for any of this modern, glove-wearing nonsense – but give it a rest mate.


2 RON ATKINSON
Forget his Marcel Desailly clanger (actually, let’s not forget it entirely – it was a reprehensible thing to say) – Atkinson’s appearence in the BBC’s Excuse My French , not to mention his starring role in Sky’s execrable Big Ron Manager, is enough to propel him to the upper echelons of this list. Give it up Ron, we don’t want you back on TV. The only man who misses you is Clive Tyldesley.

1 JOHN MOTSON
To me, sheepskin-clad Uncle Motty represents the thing that I dislike most about British football – the unhealthy obsession with damn statistics. And his squeaky, geeky voice is highly annoying too. Some say he’s a national treasure. I’d put him in Room 101. Either that, or lock him in the Tactics Truck with Townsend and McCoist.

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