But who is the biggest of them all?
By “Dick” I mean this definition:
Vulgar A person, especially a man, regarded as mean or contemptible.
So this isn’t a list of heirs to the XXL throne of Dion Dublin, whose tripod-like manhood Sir Alex Ferguson once called “magnificent”. But hey, as long as the headline is misleading enough to bring in some extra “dirty traffic”, everyone’s a winner. Or should that be “wiener”?
Enough, on with the list…
Top ten biggest dicks in the Premier League
10. Sam Allardyce
Blackburn’s manager, aka “Big Sam”, qualifies for this list for several reasons:
1) Rampant ego. Thought he was good enough to manage England. Funny, that.
2) Encourages teams to play crap, long-ball football.
3) Sucks up to buddy Alex Ferguson, all the time. Example: his recent attack on Rafa Benitez.
4) He likes El-Hadji Diouf.
5) He’s a dick.
9. Jimmy Bullard
A surprise entry perhaps, but Bullard has gone from cult hero to dick in one easy transfer move. Fulham fans loved him, as Wigan and Peterborough fans did before that, but then he went and spoiled it all by leaving west London for Hull, and simply for more cash. Cue a karmic, season-ending injury. Jimmy, you disappointed me.
8. Marlon King
King has been bailed to appear at Southwark Crown Court on 14 May after being charged with attacking a woman in a London nightclub in December 2008. King, who is currently on loan at doomed Middlesbrough, was charged with sexual assault of a 20-year-old woman, with a bonus charge of ABH. Oh, and he’s a shit striker.
7. Mike Riley
Riley once sent off Reading’s mascot, Kingsley the Lion. This is a man who was bullied at school, I guess. Plus he looks like Squidward Tentacles, the sulky squid from Spongebob Squarepants.
6. Ashley Cole
Still can’t erase this photo shoot from my mind:
Once a dick, always a dick.
5. Rafa Benitez
As much as some of the British Premier League managers gang up on Rafa, he doesn’t help himself by acting like a paranoid control freak.
4. Rio Ferdinand
Braaaaaap. Clearly, Merkman thinks of himself as some sort of hip-hop style mogul, or “player”. We all think of him as a bit of an arrogant dick who never stops going on about his Peckham roots.
3. Nicklas Bendtner
I have never met Bendtner, but any player who can make Robin van Persie seem likeable and charming must be doing something very wrong. And don’t forget those pink boots:
2. Phil Brown
Hull’s permatanned knobhead of a manager learned a lot from another man on this list, namely Sam Allardyce. Specifically, Brown learned how to a) wear a call-centre headset (see photo), and b) act like a chippy northern dick.
1. Cristiano Ronaldo
Predictable maybe, but I’m not about to choose someone else just to be different. So many reasons why C-Ron is No.1 but because I can’t be arsed to write 1,000 words on the topic, here’s one photo:
Any dicks I missed? Email me with your shout, at least until comments are switched on again.
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