Where did all the moustaches go? These days it’s all bare upper lips and waxed chests. Shame. Get a load of this…

Caesar Jenkyns
Hail Caesar. The rugged Welshman was one of the hardest defenders of his era - he played for Woolwich Arsenal from 1895-96, and became the Gooners’ first ‘international’ captain.

Bob Holmes
Elementary.

Albert Iremonger
What’s an iremonger anyway? A tache salesman perhaps? Anyway, this is tremendous and not a little sinister.

Charlie Paynter
Paynter was manager of West Ham from 1932-1950. This is a quite brilliantly groomed example of the tache genre.

George Best
He didn’t have a tache for long, but he wore it bloody well.

Steve Heighway
The first Liverpool player on this list.

Terry McDermott
… And another.

Frank Worthington
Ladies, fancy a ride in my Ford Capri?

Giuseppe Bergomi
X-rated.

Viv Anderson
Viv’s fuzz thickened with age. This is an early example.

Graeme Souness
One word: Begbie.

Willie Miller
One word: Begbie.

Tommy Smith
Scary, very scary.

Ronald Spelbos
Leave it to the Dutch to master the ‘total moustache’.

Brian Kilcline
First he makes the ponytail hall of fame. Now this.

Billy Hughes
Leicester’s No.1 gringo.

Mark Lawrenson
Lawro has since ditched his tache. We miss it.

Alan Sunderland
Yikes!

Claudio Gentile
Possibly the hardest, dirtiest defender in football history. Here he tries to wear Zico like a cheap suit, at the 1982 World Cup.

Bruce Grobbelaar
And the Liverpool players keep on comin’.

Neville Southall
At last, an Everton player to break the Reds’ monopoly.

Sam Allardyce
Lookin’ good, Sam.

Rene Higuita
The moustache is the least of his problems.

Des Walker
Sharp.

Des Lynam
And we hit you up with another Des. Bam!

Chris Kamara
No, he hasn’t changed much since his playing days.

Clayton Blackmore
Wow. That is one unconvincing tache.

Carlos Valderrama
Legend.

Sieb Dykstra
The whole look is amazing.

Ruud Gullit
Not Ruud’s best look.

Jimmy Greaves
Never really favoured the tache as a player, but he’s been representing ever since.

Rudi Voller and Frank Rijkaard
A two-for-one deal. And I’ll take any excuse to post up this picture.

Derek Mountfield
No.

Ian Rush
Put your hands up if you look like a dick.

David Seaman
Smoooooth.

Vicente del Bosque
None of your pencil tache flimsiness for Del Bosque. This is a man’s tache.

Tony Daley
DeBarge.

Big Phil Scolari
Hackman.

Michael Ballack
Grown for a Mercedes advert. He should have kept it.

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