By Chris Wright
Ten footballers past and present who have not killed before, and will definitely not kill again. It’s a joke – a flight of fancy. But some players so look hard. It’s in the eyes. If any of the players below ever want to work in the films, they can – we’ve picked out their fantasy characters.
Beware, this is not one for the faint-hearted…
1. Markus Babbel – ‘The Berlin Vivisectionist’: Drugs his victims in University cafeterias then drags them to his laboratory to splay them on hooks, thus displaying their internal organs.
2. Alan Pardew – ‘The Quayside Rapist Cop’: We all know Pards can spot a rape that other may have missed.
3. Jose Manuel Pinto, a.k.a, ‘Jose the Butcher’: The dumb muscle for a Cuban drugs cartel. Always carries a meat cleaver in a leatherette shoulder holster, barely concealed underneath an open Hawaiian shirt.
4. Christian Ziege, a.k.a, ‘Tastebuds’: A cannibal. Packs chunks of his dismembered victims into empty Spam cans and sells it on the black market as organic luncheon meat.
5. Giuseppe Bergomi, a.k.a ‘Johnny Concrete’: Those cold, malevolent eyes will be the last thing you ever see, as your new cement boots pull you to the bottom of an undetermined river somewhere in rural Lombardy.
6. Pedro Munitis, a.k.a, ‘Pedro The Shit’: Specialist toture merchant for local Spanish crime syndicate, kisses people tenderly on the lips as he pulls their fingernails out with pliers and slashes at their nipples with a soldering iron.
7. Andy Carroll, a.k.a, ‘The South Shields Strangler’: His vengeance is righteous, silent and swift. Leaves the scene tinged with a faint odour of stale lager.
8. Dixie Dean and Tommy Johnson, a.k.a, ‘The Brylcreem Brothers’: Notorious in the Merseyside area for force-feeding gangland grasses their own shoes throughout the 1930’s.
9. Oliver Kahn, a.k.a, ‘The Albino Beast of Bavaria’: Lives as a recluse deep in the uninhabitable forests of Bavaria and sets rusty animal traps in the undergrowth to snare lost hikers and vagrants. Munich folklore has it that how can hear the Beast’s shuddering guttural howl as far away as Belgium when he claims another victim. Drags horses into the lake and makes ceremonial underwear from their tails and hooves.
10. Sir Bobby Charlton, a.k.a, ‘The Dark Knight (of the Realm)’: Really hates losing at cards, everyone else in this photo woke up the next morning having had their faces peeled off and mailed to their mothers.
Pies are at great pains to stress that none of the individuals mentioned above have ever, to the best of our knowledge, indulged in murderous behaviour of any sort – all except Oliver Kahn, who does actually stalk people in the woods of Bavaria.