Spanish stopper has big future as after-dinner speaker

At Spain’s Euro 2008 celebration parade in Madrid, Pepe grabbed the mic and didn’t let it go. He told several jokes – we’re sure they were funny, if you understand Spanish – and then introduced every single member of Spain’s winning squad, as well as coach Luis Aragones.
My Spanish is limited, but I think I heard Reina do the following:
1) take the piss out of Andres Iniesta for having no tan
2) refer to Carles Puyol as “Tarzan”

3) call Xavi the “genuine Humphrey Bogart” of the squad
4) label Xabi Alonso “the son of Johan Cruyff”
That’s about all I understood. Any Spanish speakers like to help out with a translation?

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