By Chris Wright
Sir Alex Ferguson has gone on record this morning as saying that he’s ‘had a word’ with Ashley Young about his fetish for humping the turf at Old Trafford with gay abandon – telling the press that, while he feels that Young is being made a scapegoat of due to his affiliation with United (all that bloody diving’s not really helping either), he fully expects the flimsy winger to curb his theatrics from now on.
Here’s our five best guesses at what Fergie’s choice words were during that fateful conversation…
1. “We’ve always got Bebe to come back.” – A threat chilling enough to bestill a beating heart and scare the ‘fannying about’ right out of any spindly United wideman – there’s a bobbins, formerly-homeless Portuguese disco enthusiast just waiting to take your place.
2. “You do that again, I’ll confiscate your f**king webcam lad.” – Hit Young where it really hurts – his exposed crotch.
A few for the sceptics…
3. “Keep doing it lad, just don’t go down like a f**king Raggy Doll next time” – The cynical among you may suggest that the jist of Fergie’s ‘word’ was indeed less of an indictment of Young’s rigmarole and more a bit of ‘constructive criticism’ as to his preferred technique. We’d be inclined to agree in a round-about way.
4. “Your time to beat is 6 minutes 30 seconds.”
5. Sir Alex took Young to one side during training for a private word but before he could whisper “Bravo!”, Young ‘anticipated the contact’ of Fergie’s hand being cupped around his ear, buckled, surrendered all control of his lower body and duly plummeted to the ground like a shot pheasant.
Any advance on that Pies fans? What do you reckon Sir Alex mumbled in our Ash’s ear?