Farewell You Gorgeous, Incompatible Genius: A Love Letter To Dimitar Berbatov

Chris Wright

29th, August 2012

29 Comments

By Chris Wright

You could be forgiven for thinking the man had died, but no, alas, he’s merely leaving for Florence. Fiorentina have offered €5 million in three installments, Manchester United have accepted and Dimitar Berbatov is currently onboard a plane to Tuscany where a three-year contract awaits his signature.

The criticisms were and are ever-present; he doesn’t graft, he’s inefficient, inconsistent, he’s liable to no-show, he saunters around with his hands in his pockets transfixed forlornly on that next gitane; but that was all kind of the point – he plays by different standards; wisping around the pitch like a dislodged cobweb caught in a gentle breeze, all the while… Christ, we better stop before this becomes indecent.

*Remember: He hasn’t died, he hasn’t died, he hasn’t died*

The man formerly known as Flopiflop Flopbaflop scored 30-odd goals in 2010/11 and that still wasn’t good enough. Still the detractors whittled because ‘he didn’t muck in’, ‘slowed United’s attack to a crawl’ and ‘only scored unimportant goals in clutches against weaker sides’, to which we say “will you stop being so bloody English about it! You’re missing the point you whinnying fools!”

Sod the stats, that’s not why he’s there. Berbatov’s overall contribution to a game can’t usually be accurately measured in things as perfunctory and mechanical as numbers and equations. It’s to be measured on a sliding emotional scale. Like 3-ply toilet paper, he’s one of life’s luxuries.

That sweet first touch to pluck a horrible arching hoof out of the ether, the composure while crowded out in a corner, that nonchalant backheel, that outside-of-the-boot one-two – revel in those, let your eyes moisten. Didn’t they make you feel just that little bit better about this humdrum existence? That’s what he was on that pitch for. To move you. To stir your soul (in irregular increments).

Ta ra Berba you beautiful silken vampire, and farewell.

There’s goes the Incompatible Genius…

Pies will always love you – perhaps a little too much.

(This touching video tribute comes by way of Surreal Football)

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Posted in Featured, Man Utd, Serie A, Videos

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29 Comments

  1. Andrew Winnets says:

    A true great. He was a skillful player and although people said he did not work hard enough i would still like him in my team.

  2. NathanM says:

    Signed him on loan for Milan on FM, partnered up front with Zlatan – it is the most nonchalant strike force in world football.

  3. Charles says:

    The turn on the line against West Ham = Jizz everywhere.

  4. minde says:

    fergie is so retarted. instead of selling fat slag rooney he sells much better player for 5million then he paid for him 30 million. fucking idiot i hope he retires next season had enough of that old prick

  5. Gargantuan Garth says:

    Just couldn’t cut it at Stoke on a rainy Tuesday.

  6. Pkhakheria says:

    As much as I wasn’t a big fan of Berba (united player, fan of rival club , you get the picture) I always saw him as “The definition of cool” , everyones running up the pitch, berba is just walking like its no big deal . Its only after watching the video pies posted, as well as other highlight reels that I truly appreciate the unconventional style that is Berbatov. best of luck in Italy.

  7. amy says:

    What can i say i just love him, man-utd will never be thesame for me without you and frankly am this close to resenting SAF, 5mil is just plain stupid, he is worth so much more. Thanx for everything, you have no idea what joy u gave me, watching you play scoring 5 goals in one match and ofcourse the Hatricks especially against Liverpool. OMG! I just i LOVE YOU. GoodLuck

  8. Piesfanfromgermany says:

    Thank you Chris. I’ve been telling my friends for years now, that Berbatov (often) produces pure magic on the pitch and that I love him for the way he plays, even if some might say, that he does not contribute a lot. Now I finally feel understood.
    Hopefully he’ll have a few more years in the weakend Serie A.

  9. plops says:

    3 years walking around a football pitch in Tuscany sounds good to me.

  10. Redskywalker7 says:

    The classiest player I have ever seen. I was lucky enough to see one of his last games and I was in absolute awe. He just plays football beautifully

  11. Dylan says:

    So true! Berba is a legend!

  12. Inno says:

    There was one game where he started a move in his own half (what was he doing back there to start with?) and actually SPRINTED to catch up with play and score a goal. I swear it’s the only time I saw him run.

  13. Anonymous says:

    The best thing Berba brought was Liverpool fans arguing that he was awful and only scored goals against poor teams… Hat-trick.

  14. Mr Sensible says:

    Treated like shit at United last season, top scorer in the league the season before and hardly given a chance last season.

    The guy had more ability in his sexy eyebrows than any other player in the Premier League.

    Glad he’s gone to Italy though and I can definitely see him wondering the streets of Florence checking out the art and shit.

    All the best Dimitar.

  15. Zam says:

    Berba, Zlatan, Pirlo on one team has to happen, it it’s possible to fit that much relaxed swagger on to a single team.

  16. Shane says:

    Its kind of disturbing that the video was called “berbarotica” but my word, the man is silky smooth

  17. berba is great says:

    apparently Giuseppe marotta has said he wants to join a prem club and apparently its gonna be fulham

  18. berba is great says:

    Giuseppe marotta has said berba wants to join fulham apparently

  19. Anonymous says:

    He got on the plane to Tuscany but didn’t show up in Tuscany. He’s a very self conscience footballer. He needed to feel confident to play well and he never had that confidence at united. He also wasn’t good enough.

  20. porcelain sandwich says:

    Apparently he’s done a ruddy-bloody U-turn and is now looking Fulham straight in the face.

  21. lisa says:

    haha! perfect prose for berba! and now, an excuse to watch italian football :) felt terrible for him on the bench…why the hell rooney got time and he didnt is unfathomable. the bicycle kick in that video is absolutely sublime…hope there’s much more of that to come

  22. lisa says:

    not a deal after all?? fiorentina’s saying no!

  23. Jarren says:

    @lisa: Yeah, apparently the Fiorentina deal is off due to some dickery.

    Maybe he’ll go back to Germany?

  24. Suresh says:

    Sounds like he couldn’t be arsed to fly to Florence. Rumour has it that he decided to just sit around wearing shades indoors, while smoking a fat cigar, rather than make his flight.

  25. Tom Addison says:

    A fitting tribute to a man who deserved better. Good luck Berba, it was a pleasure to watch you play.

  26. Leary-Oh-Lanky says:

    Quite possibly the funniest article I’ve read all year.

  27. Quack says:

    Just found this – the man is a fucking GOD – One very happy Fulham fan

  28. pfoagain says:

    Just found this article – the man in a fucking GOD – One seriously happy Fulham fan

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