By Ollie Irish
“So before kick-off I walked up to that fat f**k Ronaldinho and said, ‘Do you fancy it? Do you like getting kicked? Do you like the fact I am going to be at you for the whole 90 minutes? As soon as you get the ball I am going to be in your face. Gary Neville’s going to kick you back to Brazil. You are not going to like it one bit. Are you ready for that because that’s what’s going to happen.’
“That shut him up, the doss c**t with his buftie headband and crap perm.
“Milan, bunch of soft shites. Pish off back to Italy and don’t come back until you’ve found your bollocks. Flamini? I had him for breakfast, the French f**k. Tasted like a croissant dipped in pish. Pirlo? My wee sister tackles harder. I told him to get a f**king haircut.
“Old man Becks tried to reduce me, but I took it. Shook his hand, smiled and told him about the time I did Posh up the arse. Result.
“Cannae believe I scored with a header, mind! Wazza told me I looked like a total prick when I celebrated. To be fair, he’s got a point.”