By Chris Wright
We weren’t aware that the manager’s end-of-season awards bash speech had become a competitive entity, but it would appear that Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho did his utmost to outshine Louis van Gaal’s wine-fuelled extravaganza with a pre-prepared clinic in devious trolling – complete with Powerpoint presentation!
Taking to the stage at Chelsea’s post-season awards gala in London last night, Mourinho started by paying respects to the teams that had pipped him to the title in previous seasons before trotting out the ‘my players don’t get enough respect’ mantra once again for old time’s sake.
What then began was a masterpiece of sly-diggery, with the Blues boss utilising the big screens to take apart his three main rivals – Manchester United, Man City and Arsenal – without every actually saying as much.
Using a graphic of a football pitch with teams decked out in United, City and Arsenal colours, Mourinho systematically mocked all three for their respective styles of play.
United (in all-red shirts) were chastised for playing with no goals and prizing possession statistics above all else.
“That team plays really well and the ball goes and goes and goes and the quality of the ball possession is really beautiful, but no goals.
“And they ask the international board of FIFA to play like this, but they were told that it was not possible, that the bigger percentage of ball possession doesn’t win matches and they were not champions.”
City (sky blue shirts) were up next, with Mourinho quipping:
“After that there was another team that were less radical and they asked to play only with one goal.
“They were fantastic and they scored a lot of goals and the goals were coming from every position and they score and they score and they score, but they never conceded goals, because no goal.
“Again, the international board told them ‘I’m sorry, you can’t be champions because football is with two goals’.”
Arsenal (red with white sleeves) were the final team to bear the brunt:
“The third team was almost there, because they wanted to play with two goals.
“They were scoring some, they were also conceding some. They were fantastic. They scored really beautiful goals, they concede some goals too and they were almost there.
“But they asked the international board to play only between January and April. And they told ‘no chance, no chance’.
“You have to play between August and May, so they couldn’t be champions.”
Mourinho then finished by praising the fourth team (no prizes for guessing what colour shirts they were wearing) for playing within “the normal rules” and knowing that to win matches “they only had to score one more goal than the opponent”.
“[This team] did it both ways. Scoring a lot, conceding some. Scoring one goal and conceding no goals.
“That was the option and lots of goals were conceding, they played from August till May and sometimes they brought the bus.”
Word to the wise: Chelsea are busy stripping the videos from Youtube as we speak but there is a clone available here for as long as it lasts.