By Chris Wright
For the uninitiated, cybersquatting is the practice of registering a domain name that a company or individual is likely to want to obtain at some point in the future with the sole intention of selling it to said company – for example, snaffling up www.jedsbogbrushes.co.uk in advance and lying in wait until Jed’s Toilet Brush Emporium decide to open an online store.
An anonymous urchin in France has purchased ‘zlatan.fr‘ (.fr being the top level French domain address) and offered to relinquish the web address should Zlatan or his team want to create a French website – though he’s not asking for money, oh no.
Instead, the squatter (who has only identified himself as a ‘huge PSG fan’ and nothing more) has laid down 12 Herculean challenges for Zlatan himself, with the domain up for grabs if the Swedish striker completes just one of the 12 Zlatulean labours.
The challenges are as follows…
1. Offer me a dedicated PSG jersey, with my name on it and the following quote : “After Zlatan, you really are the best !”
2. Stay at my place for a month. This way, all my life, I could say :”Ibra ? Sure, he used to sleep on my couch for a while.”
3. Offer me 3 lifetime season tickets, for two of my friends and I. Obviously, I’m talking about Official tribune tickets… don’t try to fool me with your crappy H Blue tribune tickets…
4. Win penalty kicks against me, at the Parc des Princes of course, so that you’re at home and have no excuse in case I win.
5. Beat me at Taekwondo. I’ve heard you’re not too bad at it. As I’ve never practiced that sport myself, I recommend you to choose this challenge.
6. Give me one of your hair lock as a gift. Samson’s strength came from his long hair. I think it works the same way with you. Then, I can make a key ring with it, which will bring me power for the rest of my life.
7. Beat me at FIFA13. You can choose the teams but, anyway trust me, there is no way you can make it.
8. Score a more-than-30-meter-backflip-goal in an official game. Just kidding… this is not realistic.
9. Let me slap you in the face, without saying a word… and in public obviously.
10. Offer a bare-chested dedicated photo of you to my girlfriend. Frankly, among all of those challenges, I have to confess it’s not my favorite. I’m getting fed up to see twinkles in her eyes when you take off your jersey at the end of a game.
11. Manage to have Neymar sign at PSG during the 2013 summer transfer window.
12. Simply ask me to let you have this domain name for free… but face to face and – as a tribute to Guillaume – in French obviously.
The guy’s got chutzpah, we’ll give him that. Challenging Zlatan to a taekwondo duel with no experience or practice? That’s a suicide note right there. The squatters parents will be getting a special delivery courtesy of Zlatan somewhere akin to Brad Pitt’s little surprise at the end of Se7en.
Of the twelve challenges, we definitely definitely want it to be ‘9’.