Alan Hansen and Alan Shearer’s genius solution to the Lampard/Gerrard problem: as you were lads

Ollie Irish

23rd, August 2007


I despair of the standard of football punditry in Britain today. The Beeb and ITV have so much money to splash out on good, incisive, articulate pundits (Eamon Dunphy, for example) and yet we get clowns like Alan Shearer and Ian Wright. Even Alan Hansen, who used to be decent, is losing the plot. Last night, when asked by Gary Lineker how he’d resolve the Lampard/Gerrard midfield axis of evil, Hansen basically replied: ‘Just carry on playing them together…’ Shearer gave a similar answer when asked where Stevie G should play: ‘In the middle, with Lampard’ was the gist of his answer. Brilliant, why on earth didn’t I think of that? And we call Steve McClaren clueless.

Excuse me Alans – have you watched Lampard and Gerrard play together over the past few years? If this pair of ‘world-class players’ haven’t figured out how to do it by now, my guess is that they never will. Ever. Lampard did okay last night, because Michael Carrick allowed him to get forward, sniffing for glorious deflections in the box. But you know that as soon as Gerrard comes back, we’ll have the same old problem, all over again. Why can’t we learn from past mistakes? Why are all pundits blind to the fact that Lamps and Stevie can’t play together? Why didn’t Alan Hansen shave before last night’s game? Answers on a postcard please…

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  1. Rich says:

    Judging by his ‘candle lips’, i suppose Mrs. Hansen (poor women…) doesn’t want to risk anything else happening to him :)

  2. Chringle says:

    If you miss what Hansen or Lineker say then you just have to wait a few minutes and Alan Shearer will provide a ‘Pundit Replay’ and say the exact same thing again for all those who missed it first time.

  3. 4L0M says:

    I wish that Shearer would do the decent thing and shave his head, that little tuft at the front is so sad……The collective agreement last night by my mates when Motson asked Lawrenson where Stevie G should play when he comes back was :
    ” Wherever the F*** he wants…. ”

  4. Andrew II says:

    The funniest part is that these clowns have been saying forever that the manager has a decision to make regarding the Gerrard/Lampard situation. Now Lampard scores a goal, and suddenly it’s ‘play them together’.
    It’s like when they spent the whole of last summer ignorantly taking the piss out of Owen Hargreaves and then after the 1/4 final against Portugal they were all ‘Hargreaves is immense’.

  5. Phantom Pain says:

    Eamonn Dunphy is far from articulate and Lampard isn’t world class….or were they both jokes?

  6. Joe says:

    Gerrard can’t play well when Lampard’s in the team, cos he’s quite a big lad which makes it had for him to avoid the forklift needed to ferry Lampard around the pitch…
    Oh, AND because Lampard is lazy, petulant and shit.

  7. S says:

    England should drop Lampard from the side to let Gerrard play in the middle. If England win another trophy again I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be Frank Lampard who’d be leading them to glory but Gerrard could, a player ten gazillion times better than Lamps.

  8. paddy says:

    england need a boss with the guts to make gerrard captain and drop the dummy spitting ,self promoting lampard

  9. Matt says:

    Why Gerrard isn’t currently the England Captain and controlling the midfield without Fat Frank is puzzling to me. But whatever Steve McClaren is a fucking idiot and England won’t qualify for Euro 08 and then his ass will get sacked.
    Lose/Win Situation ehhhhh?