Normally Five commentator John Helm is useful for little else apart from sending his viewers to sleep, but last night’s match between Newcastle and Fenerbahce allowed Helm the entertainer to come to the fore. Here are a few, erm, interesting quotes from last night.

Racial stereotypes and senile dementia: An Evening on Five with John Helm continued

Joe Royle: Another kick from Lugano on Sibierski.
John Helm: He’s a Uruguayan – they don’t know any other way.

Joe Royle: Fenerbahce are not taking any prisoners here.
John Helm: The Turks never do.

John Helm: Shola Ameobi is Newcastle’s second top scorer in European football after Alan Shearer.
Joe Royle: I was wondering when we were going to make it through a match without mentioning the great man.
John Helm: Well, we haven’t mentioned him so far tonight.

[Rob Parker]

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