By Chris Wright
With the rumours that Vince McMahon is once again purported to be “sniffing around” Newcastle United with a view to buying the club doing the rounds again this morning, we’ve come up with a solid ten reasons why the WWE supremo should finally do the decent thing, pay up and become the Toon’s new owner.
1. All St James’ Park’s stadium seating will be immediately replaced with folding steel chairs, as plywood buffet tables, kendo sticks and tin foil-thin trashcans all begin to appear dotted strategically around the perimeter of the pitch.
2. Think of all the glorious mayhem that would occur when referees suddenly start mysteriously becoming utterly incapacitated and staying face-down for 15 minutes at the slightest bump.
3. Vince could pull some strings and install The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase as Newcastle’s new head of player recruitment – the only man in the world with the kind of investment capital to take on the likes of Manchester City and Chelsea.
4. Every Newcastle player gets their own pyrotechnic Titantron entrance before games.
5. Shola and Sammy Ameobi finally form the ‘Legion of Toon’ tag-team they were destined to become.
6. Fabio Coloccini begins a new lease of life as a glamorous, bikini-clad Diva/valet.
7. All future Tyne-Wear derbies to be played inside the ‘Hell in a Cell’ cage.
8. Let’s face it: topless gentlemen, slathered head-to-toe in grease are hardly a rare sight on Tyneside, especially before the watershed.
9. The inevitable “MetroCentre Screwjob”.
10. And finally, just as Mike Ashley is dotting the ‘i’s on the paperwork to finalise the deal and hand the company over, ‘Vince’ can tear off his mask and yell…
“IT WAS ME, MIKE! IT WAS ME ALL ALONNNGGGG!!!”