Who Ate All The Pies

Panto villain Cristiano Ronaldo (pictured) happy to stay at Man U. England rejoices. [Football 365]A tearful Jurgen Klinsmann quits Germany. Will Klinsy be new coach of USA? [Soccernet]Zinedine Zidane to speak on TV for first time since you-know-what. Will he reveal all? [Guardian]Spurs boss Martin Jol ‘swoops’ (an unlikely adjective) for Darren Bent. [Mirror]Marcello Lippi […]

Of all the Premiership’s 20 clubs, it’s Arsenal who currently dominate the transfer rumour mill. If you believe the tabloids (and indeed the broadsheets), Arsene Wenger is about to to sign (deep breath…) Stephen Appiah, Franck Ribery, Javier Saviola (pictured), Gigi Buffon, Curtis Davies and Yaya Toure. I reckon that just two of these players […]

Given the amount of cheating going on at the World Cup, FIFA should have scrapped the Fair Play award and instead handed out an Unfair Play award. That’s not going to happen – hell, if Zidane can win player of the tournament, that’s definitely not going to happen – so we’ve done it for you: […]

Yo Hammer, please don’t hurt ’em! I’d forgotten just how awesome MC Hammer’s magic trousers were. I’d like to see Gabor Kiraly, Crystal Palace’s tracksuit bottom-sporting keeper, wear a similar pair, just to freak out the opposition.

Great rumour spotted on the Popbitch message board – so it must be true (coughs nervously, hires expensive litigation lawyer etc.). Anyway, this scurrilous rumour lie alleges that Michael Owen texted the following message to his old mate Alan Shearer, as Shearer was sat in the BBC studio with his pundit’s hat on: The manager’s […]

Arsenal’s £10m bid for Marseille’s French winger Franck Ribery (pictured) will be dwarfed by a £26m Real Madrid offer. [The Guardian]Real Madrid also want Man Utd defender Gabriel Heinze, for £10m. Is that steam coming out of Fergie’s ears? [The Sun]Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger ready to pounce for Gigi Buffon (as a Jens Lehmann replacement), […]

Marco Materazzi (pictured) has told Italy’s Gazzetta Dello Sport he definitely did not call Zinedine Zidane a ‘terrorist’, nor did he insult the Frenchman’s mother. The Italian said: ‘I held his shirt for a few seconds, he turned to me, looked at me from top to bottom with utmost arrogance and said: "If you really […]

It’s the fun new game for all the family – how many times can Zidane butt Materazzi before he’s sent off? Use your mouse to control the big French rammer and then click to execute a vicious, out-of-character butt. [Via AddictingClips] Btw, Zidane returned to Paris with his team-mates yesterday, to a hero’s welcome. Seems […]

Another example of a team changing its away colours on a seasonal basis. Bolton played in dark blue away from home last season, so why change to maroon? Anyway, Reebok’s new away shirt for the Wanderers features its trademarked Play Dry technology, which apparently possesses ‘moisture management properties’. In other words, it dries fast cause […]

Video compilation of Marco Materazzi in action. Boy, he makes Duncan Ferguson look like Nigel Clough – he’s also the type of committed, panto villain player who fans love/love to hate…

Having consulted lip-reading experts, I can exclusively reveal what Marco Materazzi said to wind up Zinedine Zidane during last night’s World Cup final (see video below). If you look closely, you’ll see that the Italian hardman definitely said: ‘I played alongside Craig Short for Everton… beat that Jean-Luc Picard…’ UPDATE: In all seriousness, French sports […]

World Cups always outstay their welcome, especially since the number of participating teams was upped to 32. The group stages are always great (three games in one day = nirvana), but after that the tournament fizzles out. Who really could be bothered to watch Germany v Portugal for FIFA’s coveted bronze medal? (Okay, I admit […]

[Via Holy Moly]

Every Villa fan’s favourite time of the year. The only way is down…

With all eyes on Germany, Rafa Benitez has quietly been ‘gettin’ busy’ in the transfer market. The sly dog. Let’s take a look at his new boys: Fabio Aurelio (pictured) Brazilian left-back, 27, signed on a free from Valencia (work those contacts, Rafa!). Solid defender but also good going forward and takes a mean free-kick. […]

Reports abound that Freddie Shepherd met David Beckham with a view to signing the former England skipper. Beckham’s ‘people’ have denied this, saying it was a coincidence that the Newcastle United chairman and Becks were spotted at Claridges Hotel at the same time. OK, fair enough – the tabloids have got to fill their back […]

Newcastle United are just eight days away from a third-round Intertoto Cup tie (contain yourself), probably against Lillestrom of Norway. Trouble is, they have no fit strikers: Alan Shearer’s retired, Michael Owen’s crocked long-term and Shola Amoebi is struggling to recover from a hip injury. That leaves… Albert Luque. Is that the sound of Jackie […]

The World Cup can work miracles for a player’s reputation. Take Blackburn’s Lucas Neill: Pre-Germany he was a no-nonsense right-back, renowned only for breaking Jamie Carragher’s leg – now, after four composed performances at centre-back for Australia, Neill is suddenly the Aussie Beckenbauer. If you’d have told me before the World Cup began that Barcelona […]

‘Look into my eyes, not around the eyes… when you wake up you will believe that Emile Heskey is a Premiership-quality striker who doesn’t fall down all the time and miss open goals… 3-2-1, you’re back in the room.’ Yep, Paul Jewell, Wigan Athletic’s manager, has confirmed a bid for Emile Donkey. Jewell told Wigan’s […]

Stephen Appiah, captain of Ghana, had a storming World Cup and it now looks likely that he could end up playing in the Premiership come August. Appiah’s agent (dontcha just love agents?), one Frank Trimboli, claims that several English clubs are interested in the 25-year-old midfielder, including a couple that have qualified for the Champions […]

Damn near put me off my breakfast…

I wish clubs would make up their mind when it comes to away kits – some change their away colours every year. If memory serves, the Magpies last had a red-and-blue away kit in the 1995/96 season – Adidas’s Newcastle away kit for the 2006/07 season resurrects that colour scheme and looks a bit of […]

Chelsea will contact Fifa to investigate Real Madrid over a possible illegal approach for Arjen Robben. The Dutch winger had been named by new Real president Ramon Calderon as one of the players that had already agreed terms on a move to Madrid. Calderon insists that Real’s new sporting director, Predrag Mijatovic, has talked with […]

The World Cup is football’s biggest shop window (God, I sound like Clive Tyldesley). If you play well, the big clubs come calling. We’ve seen some cracking individual performances in Germany this summer, but if you could sign just one player for your team, based on what you’ve seen at the 2006 World Cup, who […]

A few months ago we launched Who Ate All the Bratwurst, the only World Cup blog with a bigger football brain than Teddy Sheringham’s. Until Bratwurst burst onto the international scene, Teddy was owner of the world’s biggest ‘football brain’ – he will donate it to science after he dies and then the FA will […]