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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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And he was wearing rock and roll shoes! The Kasabian guitarist apparently once harboured ambitions of playing up front for Leicester City and on this evidence there is no reason why he couldn’t leave his rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle behind to become a journeyman striker at Championship level. Live on Soccer AM with the cameras […]

You do the maths… Comedian Ryan Stiles (a Who’s Line Is It Anyway? stalwart) plus Jeff Boomhauer (Hank Hill’s mumbling neighbour from King of the Hill) = which footballer? Answer after the jump…

The famous Scouse sense of humour Well worth watching for a couple of terrific air-shots, plus the best chant of the season, aimed at Alan Shearer (who takes it in good spirit): “You should have stayed on the telly!”

Some links to feed your mouse with 1. David Beckham to follow Carlo Ancelotti to Chelsea. Hmm, Becks has no loyalty, so yeah, I could see that… [@ BigSoccer] 2. Ribery, Villa or Aguero (or all three)? How Chelsea should spend Roman’s millions. [@ The Game] 3. Why Gerrard and Iniesta are better than Messi […]

Great Teacher Onizuka is a famous manga character. He’s great and he’s a teacher. And his name is Eikichi Onizuka. What can I tell you? And he makes a very shit lookalike for Senor Nando Torres. Got any shit lookalikes you’ve seen lately? The shitter, the better. Email Pies with your suggestion. More lookalikes

One point if you can name this former player Face look familiar? Think you know who it is? Answer after the click…

Um, no “Why Arsene Wenger may decide to cash in on Cesc Fabregas this summer.” Or, why the Mirror will write any old tosh to bait Gooners (ah, there’s a paper after Pies’ cold heart). A Mirror hack called Steve Stammers (seriously?) penned an article about how Arsene Wenger might consider selling Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal’s […]

Almost everything you need to know about Chelsea’s new gaffer 1. After a Vespa crash as a teenager, Carlo’s left eyebrow was left permanently arched (see photo). Sometimes he arches his right eyebrow on purpose, to appear symmetrical. 2. Carlo speaks better English than Big Phil Scolari and Ray Wilkins, but not as good as […]

Football’s worst-kept secret, no longer a secret… In the interests of continuity, Chelsea has decided to replace the outgoing Guus Hiddink with another manager who likes a crafty fag. That man is Carlo Ancelotti, who has just been announced as the new man at the Bridge, on a three-year deal. A statement on Chelsea’s official […]

Cesc is lonely, crying out for Xabi Alonso “Attractive, slim Spanish guy seeks partner for weekend strolls in the park. Must be world-class, have GSOH.” Neither Abou Diaby, Alex Song nor Denilson are good enough - yet, at least - to partner Cesc Fabregas at the heart of Arsenal’s midfield. I’m sure that’s the view of Cesc […]

Everton’s big hair bear won’t cut his locks Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain As the photo on the right shows, Marouane Fellaini didn’t always have enormous hair - and look how much happier he looks with a big-ass Afro! Fellaini’s hair has become […]

Hiddink’s Got Talent As Dutch rebel Guus Hiddink smoked a cigar in Wembley’s hallowed dressing room, he performed an awesome victory dance with his players and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich. “There was South American, eastern European and African dancing going on,” said Guus, who is a man of many talents. “All the players and staff […]

Departing Chelsea boss falls victim to British bureaucracy A very bad artist’s impression of Guss Hiddink smoking a tab Super Guus could receive a fine for lighting up a celebratory cigar at Wembley, after Chelsea’s 2-1 win against Everton in Saturday’s FA Cup Final. The Dutchman was caught on camera with said stogie as he […]

What’s the German for swollen nutsack? So, congrats to Herr Ballack, who came off the bench to help Chelsea to victory in the FA Cup Final. Some good luck at last for the German.

Blue is the colour at Wembley today What it looks like to face Chelsea I’m not expecting much entertainment from today’s FA Cup Final, the 128th in the competition’s history (stat fans) - and the sun is shining madly in London, so I probably won’t even watch it live (it’s been a manic week of football […]

Either that, or Ronaldinho’s really let himself go Don’t worry, Milan fans: your club’s transfer policy has not taken a turn for the worse. The tubby chap in the jeans represents Milan’s “12th Man”, as part of the adidas campaign to launch Milan’s new home kit – which, I think, looks a bit strange with […]

Ronaldo and Tevez to strop out of Old Trafford? 1. Cristiano Ronaldo is sulking. He slammed Alex Ferguson’s tactics for Wednesday’s Champions League final, saying: “Ferguson did not tell me anything. Nothing. I didn’t realise I was to play as a striker.” [@ The Sun] 2. …Which all means C-Ron’s definitely off to Real Madrid […]

It wasn’t a vintage season, but there were enough memorable moments for it to qualify as an entertaining season. Here, in no particular order, Pies lists its highlights Phil Brown’s public team talk Trailing 4-0 at half-time against Man City, a disgusted Tan Man decided to upbraid his useless players out on the pitch. It’s […]

Ah, gotta love the rivalry between Man Yoo and the Bin-dippers, especially when it comes up with priceless comedy like this… United fans who want to ease the pain of Wednesday’s CL defeat may like to know that they can buy a t-shirt with this design, @ TShirtsUnited

Villa unveil pinstriped away kit. Eees nice This is Aston Villa’s new away shirt for the 2009/10 season. As you can see, it’s made by Nike, it’s very stripey (though the stripes are subtle) and I think it looks rather smart. I much prefer it to other Swooshy designs I’ve seen for next season (Arsenal’s […]

Rangers striker mocks Celtic rival, repeatedly Nacho Novo, Rangers’ diminutive Spanish striker, is clearly a bit mad. And it seems he can’t stop having a pop at Giorgos Samaras, Celtic’s Greek forward. It’s classic schoolyard stuff, along the lines of “We won the league, you didn’t… na-nah-na-nah-na! In the above video, Nacho breaks out the […]

Did I say brave? I meant foolish This is a recreation of how angry Fergie must have looked when a brave/foolish reporter dared to question his ambition, in the postmortem of Manchester United’s 2-0 defeat by Barcelona in the Champions League final. Just look at his big red face, and guess how many wasps he’s […]

All of Fergie’s team were below-par in Rome. But who was United’s biggest disappointment? Who was Man Yoo’s worst player against Barcelona?(online poll)

More gay innuendo than you can shake a stick at… Sample quotes: “He’s not frightened to go in where it hurts.” “He’s gonna come inside.” Genius. And notice the prominence of football’s most orgasmic commentator, Jonathan Pearce.

MAN UTD REACTION “Barcelona are a brilliant team and in my opinion Andres Iniesta is the best player in the world, he’s incredible.” Wayne Rooney “In our best performances this season we have defended very well, but the defending was shoddy.” Alex Ferguson “You have to give credit to a very good Barcelona team. If […]