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Who ate all the pies

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Cracking weekend to kick off the Prem. No draws, plenty of wonder goals and a couple of surprise results (Everton ship six at home!? Madness gone mad).

Most Prem footballers are vain eejuts. Not our Jimmy, who despite being a money-grabbing traitor (a Fulham fan’s view) is still the biggest character in the top flight. MORE JIMMY Shit Lookalikes: Jimmy v Queen’s Roger Taylor Jimmy cracks up during TV interview

The best photos from City’s win against Celtic at Eastlands (watch the goals – all three were rather good – here). Click the image below to launch the gallery:

Think you know who the Real Madrid star is? Leave a comment with your shout. Friday’s answer: Kieron Dyer Fair play to AlanS, thedoc, Kipp, Delboy and Kevin. You’re my guys.

Terrible moustache, Ian. Not-terrible defending, Alan Hot on the heels of the news that the Guardian “jinxed” Liverpool’s tilt at a 19th league title, Sky Sports pundit Jeff Stelling has added to the weight of the hex: “Manchester United are unquestionably weaker than last year, while Chelsea are no stronger and they are all a […]

This is where you get to pick Barca’s best starting line-up for this season. First up, I’ll reveal my selection (based on Barcelona’s squad at time of writing). No doubt Pep Guardiola will use several different formations this season but this is the default starting team I would go with: My XI (in a 4-1-2-3 […]

What do Gunn and Edmonson have in common, apart from their looks? Hmm, I’m getting the word “Bottom”… … Boom boom. Got a lookalike for Pies? Email me with your shout(s).

It’s no secret that the great majority of fantasy teams will feature either Frank Lampard or Steven Gerrard (or both, if you base your team around them) in midfield. And quite right too – they score goals, they make goals, they’re never dropped. In short, they are blue-riband picks. So select them if you want. […]

Taken from this weekend’s Norwegian Cup quarter final between Odd Grenland and SK Brann: Brann keeper Hakon Opdal crocks himself as he is going to kick out the ball, then Odd striker Peter Kovacs taps the ball in the net, much to the furious anger of Brann players and fans alike. (Odd won the game […]

Quote of the day goes to Nereida Gallardo, one of C-Ron’s most skanky famous ex-WAGs. Here she is talking about Ron’s favourite underwear, a red, elephant-trunk thong:

Norwich City lost 7-1 at home to Colchester in their opening fixture in League One. It was the heaviest home defeat in the club’s 107-year history. After Colchester had gone 4-0 up, a couple of disgusted Norwich fans ran onto the pitch and threw their season tickets in Gunn’s direction. And who can blame them? […]

A couple of pics from Celtic’s friendly at Man City: Holy high-visibility jackets, Batman! That is one standout kit. There’s no danger of Celtic manager Tony Mowbray trotting out Fergie’s old “the players couldn’t see each other” excuse. Turning to the stuff that matters, City beat the Hoops 2-1, thanks to excellent goals by Gareth […]

Our good fwends at Dirty Tackle have already spotted the comic potential of Dimitar “The Continental” Berbatov – so good – I wish I’d thought of it - and now talkSPORT (ridiculous use of caps, fellas) has joined in with this clever mash-up: SUCCEED.

Pick me, pick me! Pies would LOVE IT if you spared 60 seconds out of your busy day to vote on which Premier League manager will lose his job first this season. If you do, you’ll automatically be entered into a competition to win a Premier League football shirt of your choice! Click Here to […]

Ah, it feels good to have panto villains like The Drog, Herr Ballack, Mr Chelsea and Cashley back on the radar. Ballack has already wound up every single Man Utd fan with his blatant bodycheck (or “elbow”, if you listen to United’s camp) on Patrice Evra. But I wonder which Chelsea player winds you up […]

Solid win for Spurs, even if all three goals came in the last half hour. Highlights below: Lovely finish by Pavlyuchenko (most unlike him: he usually shins it over the bar), followed up by a Corluka tap-in and a composed run-and-finish by ickle Jermain Defoe. But perhaps the best news for Tottenham fans was the […]

Highlights of Chelsea’s morale-boosting win at Wembley, including: Nani’s excellent solo goal, Michael Ballack’s “elbow” on Patrice Evra (from which Chelsea scored their second goal, much to Fergie and his players’ chagrin) and United’s abject batch of penalties: Decent game, not that I was ever going to schedule my weekend around it. Btw, that’s twice […]

Click on the image below to see the best photos from Wembley’s curtain raiser (match analysis to follow):

1. Not a link as such, but you might like to know that the Guardian’s guide to the new football season is out on Monday 10 August, free inside the paper. Pies has had a sneak preview of the guide (see illustration, above) and it looks terrific. [@ Guardian]

This is where you get to pick Arsenal’s best starting line-up for this season. First up, I’ll reveal my selection (based on Arsenal’s squad at time of writing). Obviously I’m aware that Arsene Wenger will use several different formations this season, for different scenarios, but this is the default team I would go with: My […]

Another day, another Spot the Baller for you to study. Today Pies presents a ball-headed England international. Know who it is (click image to super-size)? Leave a comment with your answer. Yesterday’s answer: Diomansy Kamara First prize to Chet but quite a few of you identified Kamara, partly thanks to his footy boots. Damn modern […]

I have no idea what the Haka has to do with Everton, so I have to award a big FAIL to this PR stunt. If you do know the link between a Maori war dance and Le Coq Sportif/Everton, let me know. All I can think of is that Tim Cahill has a Samoan mum, […]

After a stroll in the sun in the first leg, this was a stroll in the pissing rain at Craven Cottage. Terrible conditions in London last night but Fulham still looked several classes too good for a plucky Vetra side. The impressive Dickson Etuhu opened the scoring (this was one time when you could use […]

“I can’t sign Rangers gear, no chance…” EXIT. Ha. As much as Bellamy annoys 99% of football fans, I can understand why he recoils from anything to do with Rangers – that’s the way it is with the Old Firm. And as a former Hoop, I’m sure he’s been subjected to some terrible, terrible stick […]