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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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A thousand thanks to Mark Ashworth for emailing in this superbly shit lookalike. (For those of you over the age of 14, Alex Shelley is a professional wrestler.) Think you can do better? Email Pies with your suggestion. More lookalikes here

Egypt’s players found the stray contact lens in no time Another terrific day in South Africa, land of the vuvuzelas (I’m learning to tune them out now). In the Group of Certain Death, an utterly abject USA (FIFA says they’re the 14th-best team in the world. Come on!?) were torn apart by Kaka’s Brazil, while […]

Boro’s new home kit was fully revealed this morning. It’s billed as “the beautiful kit for the beautiful game”, which is quite a line for a team in the Championship. Perhaps “the beautiful kit for the ugly game” would be better line - and then David Wheater could have modelled it. So is it beautiful? Well, […]

I’m loving the cheerful way the kids sing it. Altogether now, “We all hate Leeds scum, we all hate Leeds scum…”

1. Will noisy vuvuzela trumpets ruin fans’ enjoyment of the 2010 World Cup? [@ BigSoccer] 2. Petr Cech and Pepe Reina are text buddies. Bless. [@ This is Anfield] 3. Socceroos’ Dutch coach sings the Aussie national anthem. Badly. [@ The Spoiler] 4. Everything you need to know about the Homeless World Cup. What, you […]

Somebody stop this man leaving Anfield Most Liverpool fans know that Mascherano is essential to their team. The Argentine’s unselfish play is not only vital in protecting Liverpool’s back four, it also liberates his fellow midfielders – especially Steven Gerrard and Xabi Alonso. No wonder Rafa has warned other clubs off his brilliant water carrier. […]

FSC has this leaked photo of Liverpool’s third kit for next season. We like, a lot. It’s simple, and while simple doesn’t always work (I still think England’s new Umbro kit is too plain), this does the job nicely. Interesting to see the sponsor’s name in green, too. Very Christmassy. Good job, Adidas. Liverpool’s new […]

Badly Photoshopped football scenes you’ll never see, No.1354 The Current Bun claims today that Arsenal’s Robin van Persie is a transfer target for Manchester Utd: “Sir Alex Ferguson is aware the £20million-rated striker is yet to commit to a new contract at The Emirates. “And the United chief’s interest has intensified after Van Persie admitted […]

Despite the scoreline, Spain’s win against Iraq was fairly comfortable, but the European champions didn’t bring their shooting boots and missed several good chances. In the other game in what I like to call “the weakest group in the history of international football”, hosts South Africa notched their first win of the tournament with a […]

Bastian Schweinsteiger In the real world, the uber-hot Sarah Brandtner wouldn’t even look once at the German winger. But in a world where footballers attract the sort of women who would normally be way out of their league, the pig farmer shoots and scores.

One is a maverick medical genius, the other a maverick managerial… er, well he’s not a genius. A permatanned knobhead, perhaps. More Shit Lookalikes Do you have an even shitter lookalike than this? Email Pies with your suggestion(s).

Yesterday, Pies was the first to tell you about the Giuseppe Rossi Judas T-shirt, which is selling like hot cakes and also generating a hell of a lot of debate, especially in the States and, to a lesser extent, Italy. After scoring twice in the Confederation Cup against the country of his birth (he was […]

The next instalment of the dire Goal! series features shockingly bad green-screen special effects. I use the term “special effects” loosely, as you can see when you watch the trailer… it’s no Escape to Victory, is it? How bad does Goal! 3 look?(survey)

That didn’t take long, did it? Available from Objectivo.com Top 10 footballers who revealed T-shirts with messages

Auto Trader has a world exclusive, in the shape of C-Ron’s black Porsche 911 Carrera 2 Tiptronic S (catchy name). It’s yours for £69,995. Bear in mind you will need to spend a few quid getting the interior cleaned - God knows how many WAGs he entertained with the seats set to recline. [@ The Fiver] […]

Place your bets… All bets are off on Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo, but there are still many star names whose futures remain unclear. Join Pies for a game of Transfer Roulette:

The fixture list for next season’s Prem campaign were just released. For copyright reasons, Pies is not allowed to post them in full here (that’s ridiculous, btw), but we can highlight a few key dates for your diary: 1. Manchester United begin their defence of the title at home to Birmingham City on 15 August. […]

In the last couple of weeks, Pies has been asking club fans to vote for the last player at the club they would want to get rid of. Today it’s the turn of Moyesey’s Everton. So, if you had to sell all but one of Everton’s players (to build an entirely new squad, say), who’d […]

One of my favourite Shit Lookalikes of all time, I think (to non-Scorese fans, that’s Jodi Foster in Taxi Driver on the left). I mean, yikes! What the hell was Rio thinking (click on image of him to enlarge, if you dare)? It will take him decades to live this down. [More pics @ The […]

1. Cristiano Ronaldo will not face any charges after writing off his Ferrari in a crash, police said today. [@ The Independent] 2. Win an all-expenses trip for two to the ‘Showdown in Chinatown’, a charity match between some of the world’s top football and basketball stars in the heart of New York City. [@ […]

Peering thorough my special hindsight goggles, it’s easy to form this opinion. Based on his play since leaving Old Trafford in 2007, the 22-year-old Italian-American falls into the class of United departures marked, “Ones that got away.” Of course, in Fergie’s defence, there are a couple of caveats:

Hello Premier League, remember us? Real Madrid are desperate to trim the fat from their bloated squad, if only to help pay for Kaka, Cristiano Ronaldo and whoever else catches their eye this summer. So the Spanish club has earmarked nine players it wants to flog, ideally to needy mid-level Premier League clubs with cash […]

Much debate on Pies yesterday about Puma’s controversial new Spurs kits. At time of posting, more than 1,500 of you had rated the kits, with 49% voting for NASTY. Good call, people. Football Shirt Culture has a couple of leaked images of Tottenham’s new goalkeeper kits, and they’re just as bad as the outfield kits, […]

A man with no idea how to use Photoshop (me) offers his impression of how Johnson would look in a Liverpool shirt By all accounts, Portsmouth have accepted an £18m bid from Liverpool for Glen Johnson. Hmm, funny that Rafa Benitez is suddenly willing to spend so much on Johnson when he enquired about the […]

With no domestic football to talk about (apart from what’s being churned out by the massive rumour factory), the 2009 Confed Cup is doing a very good job of satisfying my appetite for football. It produced two cracking games yesterday, with 11 goals in all. Egypt, a team you would be foolish to underestimate, ran […]