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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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Throughout the season the 2 Good, 2 Bad feature on Match of the Day 2 has been good for the occasional chuckle. They rounded up their 2007-08 coverage with a compilation of some of the best bits of the season, as well as last weekend’s funny moments. It is worth watching for some true Gaydar moments involving Danny Murphy and Jimmy Bullard, and Sulley Muntari and a ref.

Remember we told you about Ronaldo’s brush with transvestite prostitutes? You must remember. If you can’t, remember when The Sun told you about it then go back 24 hours before that. Now you remember.
Anyway, the main developments since then have been Ronaldo’s fantastic quote: “There were no sexual relations because the moment I discovered they were transvestites I ended the whole thing. I am completely heterosexual, there is no doubt about that.” And also the mildly amusing fact that one of the prostitutes looks a bit like Carlos Tevez. Of course, this begs the question would Ronaldo try to pick up Tevez if he was wearing a dress? Carlitos himself is not averse to such activity as we discovered after his public schoolboy romp with Lucas Neill and Nani!

Sometimes as a defender you have to acknowledge that you were beaten by a better, quicker and younger player and be gracious in defeat. Alternatively, you could simply tug the player back by his genitals. Rooney never takes his eye of his balls. Prostitute Charlotte Glover once told the Sunday Mirror that her twin sister was “starstruck with Wayne and asked if she could touch his willy, so that she could say she had held Rooney’Â’s manhood”. We can only assume Mellberg felt the same way!

Don’t ask us why he’s wearing a swimming cap… Who ate all the pies? This gutted Leicester City fan, by the look of him. And all the pasties, crisps and biscuits too. [Spotted on The Offside] Photo Getty Images

This spectacular goal was scored by Montgomery Town keeper Steve Goodwin in the far from prestigious Division 2 JT Hughes Montgomeryshire League. But thanks to the wonders of mobile phone technology and YouTube the goal was captured and is now available for all to see. Goodwin took a free-kick from the edge of his own penalty area which sailed over his opposite number and into the net.

For those who like to hold and give, and get round the back…

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Liverpool’s dynamic midfield duo of Xabi Alonso and Steven Gerrard enjoy a game of tonsil tennis. I guess you never know what sort of urges winning a European Cup will bring out until you have experienced it yourself.

Wigan boss urged by Chelsea to “really, really try” against United Seems that Sir Alex Ferguson has no shortage of go-to guys in a crisis. Alan Curbishley (lurking on the right of this photo) ordered his West Ham team to roll over and let United scratch their tummies – “Lads, me and Alex are in […]

Portuguese cheater (not C-Ron, the other one) play-acts after butt And I thought Nani really had something with Lucas? Apparently not. Disgraceful stuff from Man Utd’s trickster. Fortunately, the officials didn’t buy it. Worthy of a five-match ban (but he’ll only be banned for three), not to mention the two weeks’ wages it has already […]

West Ham mercenary offered hand relief by Man Utd starlet? I wouldn’t want to share a prison shower with Nani or Carlos Tevez. Not on this evidence. Still, Lucas seems to be enjoying it, and that’s what counts.

Promoted Potters will be new worst team in Premier League history So, congratulations to Stoke City, who get to replace Derby County as the Premier League’s gimp. Jon Parkin, Richard Creswell, Rory Delap, Leon Cort: these Stoke lads, journeymen through and through, clearly have what it takes to go one better than the Rams and […]

Arsenal star plays keepy-up whilst ablaze! Does Arsene Wenger know that his most valuable player is getting up to such antics away from the Emirates? Cesc will do anything to promote his TV show for his Nike paymasters. But is it actually Fabregas on fire, or just more digital wizardry. I suspect it might be […]

It seems Manchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo was the victim of a practical joke at the weekend. While the 40 goals a season winger was supposed to be conducting an interview with Match of the Day, some prankster had obviously misled C-Ron into believing he was attending an audition for a New Kids On The Block tribute band. Our money is on Rio Ferdinand being the culprit – the boy’s got form. Keep Hangin’ Tough, C-Ron. Chav-tastic!

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HEROES
Brian McBride An excellent display and a vital goal from the Fulham veteran to lift his side out of the relegation zone with a 2-0 win over Birmingham.

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Here at Who Ate All The Pies we really love our surveys. Yep, we love nothing better than coming up with questions, wading through your responses, chuckling at your witty replies (well, sometimes) and generally finding out what you really think.

Putting the beautiful into the beautiful game… One thousand thanks to Chringle, King of the Shit Lookalikes, for sending in this cracking picture of Dimitar Berbatov. I’m not sure where he got it, or if it’s a Photoshop job, but that doesn’t stop me enjoying it. Sexy time, ees very nice!

To the football purist, Rangers are a nightmare. Walter Smith’s men play a game that is often cautious, set piece-based and defensive-minded. Lionel Messi accused them of playing “anti-football”, and in as much as Rangers are aware of their shortcomings and realise that the best way to win is to stifle and frustrate the opposition, […]

1. Career path Napoli, Parma, Internazionale, Juventus, Real Madrid 2. Multiple choice Which team’s motto translates as “More than a club”? a) Barcelona, b) Real Madrid, c) Atletico Madrid, d) Deportivo La Coruna 3. Picture round Who’s this? 4. Team-mates Kevin Campbell, Stan Collymore, Gordon Banks and Dennis Wise all played for which club? 5. […]

Pies celebrates the homoerotic side of the beautiful game What a lovely couple they make, in their matching tight t-shirts! And just how close must Vieri’s penis be to Maldini’s sculpted gluteus maximus? Christian, in particular, looks smitten. If you see any pics suitable for our new Football Gaydar feature, let us know by leaving […]

Walter Smith’s men can still win quadruple Congrats to Rangers, who reached the Uefa Cup final with a penalty shootout win against Fiorentina in Italy last night. Walter Smith’s team might have buckled and were lucky not to concede on several occasions, but you have to admire their resilience. However, Fiorentina coach Cesare Prandelli said […]

Leeds United legend Eddie Gray scored this sexy goal against Burnley in 1970. At the start of the video he is on the byline and in danger of letting the ball go out for a goal kick. He then decides to start treating defenders like training ground cones on his way to goal.

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Peter Martin is probably most famous for playing Joe Carroll in sitcom The Royle Family. In the programme, Joe is the browbeaten husband of a hyperactive Irishwoman. In a bizarre case of life imitating art, his Shit Lookalike Giovanni Trapattoni is about to find out what life with an over expectant Irish mistress is like.

Old man of Italian football takes control of the Republic of Ireland “They told me to hold up this scarf and look confused… how I’m doing so far?” At least Trap spoke English at the press conference to unveil him as boss of the Irish national team. Which is more than Steve Staunton ever did. […]

We have a new contender for our top comedy penalty misses. First of all, the penalty taker makes Gareth Southgate look positively clinical with his weak effort. Then as he attempts to do better with the rebound, he suddenly finds himself eating goalpost.

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Well, as close to official as you can get when the source is the Daily Star! Apparently, Match of the Day presenter and former England star Gary Lineker is being lined up to play the role of Dumbo by a top American photographer. The famously jug-eared forward is wanted by snapper Annie Leibovitz to play a key role in her Disney Dream Portrait Series. The project will see celebrities including David Beckham, Roger Federer and Beyoncé playing different Disney cartoon characters. (Wait it gets even better…)