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Who ate all the pies

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July 1994 Roberto Baggio of Italy celebrates scoring the winning goal during the World Cup ’94 second-round match against Nigeria, played at the Foxboro Stadium, in Boston, Massachusetts. Italy won the match 2-1 after extra-time. Photo Rick Stewart/Allsport

This month Pies will look at each Premier League club and what they need to do in the January transfer window to improve. First up, Arsenal:
Arsenal_FC.pngCurrent league position 1st

Anelka is the main man at Bolton, the star attraction, their best player. Bolton are ‘Nicolas Anelka’s Bolton’, just as Arsenal were ‘Thierry Henry’s Arsenal’ not so long ago. He is happy at the Reebok, but he should be – it’s the sort of club that fits neatly with his selfish, ‘big fish in a small pond’ attitude.

Meet Elena Santarelli, whose job is ‘Hot Italian glamour model’ (as you might have guessed from the patriotic bra). She has one golden ball, exactly half as many as you’d find inside David Beckham’s underpants.

Thanks to Pies reader Vijayan for this fine spot.

Stelios of Bolton Wanderers celebrates scoring the winning goal in the 90th minute of last night’s Premier League match between Bolton and Derby County at the Reebok Stadium.
Derby battled gamely and probably deserved a point from the game, but their fate is sealed, barring the most miraculous escape in Premier League history.

3450511.jpg1 Ronaldo will win the Premier League again this season with Man Utd. I also believe United will win the Champions League in 2008. After that, he may feel that his apprenticeship in England is done; Spain is the league that would suit him best.
2 The weather in Madrid versus the weather in Manchester.
3 He knows he’ll look fabuloso in an all-white kit.

Liverpool are a well-organised, powerful, athletic, talented team – but they don’t half play some dull football. I have no doubt that Rafa Benitez makes sure that his players eat the right shape of pasta, but football is about more than pure science. It’s about genius, it’s about inspiration, it’s about impossible-to-define moments of magic that win you games.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Pies send to you 10 frauds a-leaping…

Sam Allardyce is probably one more home defeat away from losing his job as Newcastle manager. After his side’s 2-0 defeat to Man City at St James’ Park last night, a beleaguered Allardyce said: ‘A team like Newcastle should not lose three on a trot and it is a low moment.’
(No team is immune from three straight defeats, particularly not a Newcastle team that is blatantly low on confidence.)

Zidane ? Power of cup noodleUploaded by Milder Yeah, cause Zizou needed the cash from a Japanese TV ad, didn’t he? Via The Offside

The precious January transfer window is upon us. It’s a time when struggling clubs aim to strengthen their ailing squads, and the in-form big clubs smugly claim to be happy with what they have. What would you do with your chairman’s cash? (No, you can’t afford Ronaldo, Kaka and Messi.) You can buy just one […]

September 2000 Ronaldinho of Brazil flashes a trademark smile during a training session for the Olympic Games at the Gabba in Brisbane, Australia. Photo Darren England/ALLSPORT

1wagfashion_thumb.jpgA long overdue appearance for Lamps’ better half:
Name Elen Rives
Nationality Spanish
WAG of… Rives is lucky enough to be engaged to Super Frank Lampard. She gave birth to the couple’s first child, a girl named Luna, in 2005. They have another girl, Isla, born in May 2007.

443604_mediumsquare.jpgMartin O’Neill Villa fans are now starting to see the fruits of O’Neill’s labour. Two wins and two draws (including that incredible 4-4 draw against Chelsea) was a fine Xmas return for Villa, who are now up to sixth in the table. Nigel Reo-Coker, Ashley Young, Gabriel Agbonlahor, Martin Laursen and John Carew are all thriving under O’Neill.

Professional West Ham fan Ray Winstone and Irons’ boss Alan Curbishley square up, in a friendly fashion, before last week’s West Ham vs Man Utd game. Winstone’s presence clearly intimidated the Man Yoo players, who played below their usual level in a 2-1 defeat.

anelka250707_468x752.jpgThe January transfer window is open for business, and so football’s rumour mill has gone into overdrive. Will Berbatov stay at Spurs? Has Joey Barton taken a shower yet? So many questions, so few answers. Here are the top 5 transfer window rumours of the day, neatly summarised in one cut-out-and-keep package:
1 Avram Grant wants to splash out £35m to sign both Nicolas Anelka and ‘want-away’ Dimitar Berbatov. Via Daily Star

The first Shit Lookalike of 2008 naturally sees me draw on my festive experience of watching the entire first season of Heroes on DVD. I was struck by how much D.L. Hawkins (played by Leonard Roberts), the guy who can walk through walls, looks like Arsenal’s Lassana Diarra (the new Claude Makelele).

Iain Fyfe of Sydney FC takes a free-kick during the Round 18 A-League match between Adelaide United and Sydney, held at Adelaide’s Hindmarsh Stadium on December 28, 2007.

111923_Happy%20New%20Year.jpgAfter a lovely, relaxing holiday, dominated by the DVD box-set of Heroes, Season One (ooh, that Sylar is a naughty boy!), and several boxes of Ferrero Rocher, Who Ate All the Pies is back in full effect. And I must say, it’s very good to be back.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Pies sends to you nine Tevez’s dancing…

On the eighth day of Christmas, Pies sends to you eight Bruce Grobbelaar’s a-milking…

On the seventh day of Christmas, Pies sends to you seven Svens a-swimming…

On the sixth day of Christmas, Pies sends to you six geezers playing…
[Harry Redknapp, Terry Venables, Joe Cole, Paul Merson, John Terry and Vinnie Jones]

On the fifth day of Christmas, Pies sends to you five old wings… [Garrincha, Stanley Matthews, Tom Finney, George Best and Jimmy Johnstone]