The gang at 101Greatgoals has tracked down footage of some of the greatest spankings in the history of the Champions League. Viva Youtube! 1 Juventus 7-0 Olympiakos (10 December, 2003) David Trezeguet bags a brace as Juve thrash the helpless Greeks.

This cracking video must have slipped through the Pies net last month, but is still worth showing now. Cheeky Leroy Lita spots Jens Lehmann wandering off for a rant and figures that he will probably have to return to his goal at some point. Schoolboy humour at its finest! [Rob Parker]

Name Abigail Clancy. Pies knows her simply as Abi, cause we’re tight like that. Nationality British WAG of… Liverpool & England beanpole Peter ‘decent feet for a big man’ Crouch. Not exactly sure if their on/off relationship is on or off right now, but no matter. Abi began dating Crouch in January 2006 after the [...]

There is something wrong, almost contradictory, about an uncompromising centre-back with a girl’s haircut. The surftastic barnet of Roma’s Philippe Mexes is no exception. The Frenchman’s normally assured performances (although he horrendously lacked any sort of assurance last night) and sunkissed highlights have earned him the nickname Laurent Blond. Anyway, as is his hair wasn’t [...]

Pies will miss Cookie Coleman. He has lovely shiny hair, big manly thighs and a finely tuned sense of humour. He’s also a damn good manager and despite Fulham’s poor form I didn’t get the feeling that his time at Craven Cottage – ten years of sterling service, as a player and manager – was [...]

Improbably, the quadruple is still on after Chelsea overpowered Valencia last night. The English champions’ second-half performance was not pretty (compared with events at Old Trafford, at least) but it was an awesome display of power, stamina and mental strength. Valencia are very strong at home and it takes a very strong team to go [...]

Bayern Munich are in pole position to face Manchester United in the Champions League semi-finals following their 2-2 to draw with AC Milan at the San Siro. For the return leg tonight expect the Germans to be kitted out in this football/rugby hybrid effort from the house of Adidas. To be honest I would be [...]

AC Milan striker Ronaldo is the latest celebrity guest to be given The Simpsons treatment. The Brazilian – looking quite trim here next to Homer – is in an episode due to air on 22 April. His character will apparently teach Lisa how to play football, well soccer but you know… [Via The Offside, Rob [...]

If Milan get past Bayern Munich tonight (a pretty big if but I think they can do it), then we’ll be treated to a Man Utd v Milan CL semi final. That means we get to watch the world’s two best players, Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo, face off. And what cute faces they are too. [...]

Excellent news for both Newcastle and England is that Little Mickey Owen found the net on his return to action. The 27-year-old scored 10 minutes into his comeback against mighty Gretna in a behind-closed-doors friendly. Owen has been out of action since sustaining a sickening knee injury against Sweden in last summer’s World Cup. He [...]

‘The fact that three English teams should be in the semi-finals probably makes our league the best in Europe.’ So says Alex Ferguson and who are we to argue with him? He continues: ‘Six or seven years ago Spanish football was the best. But on the evidence of this season Barcelona and Real Madrid are [...]

Some Pies readers have been pondering how Zinedine Zidane still rakes in £8.5 million a year having hung up his boots. The answer is by making a living from being a formerly sweaty footballer. [Rob Parker]

‘This was the saddest night of my career…’ Francesco Totti, on the verge of tears after Roma crashed out. ‘It was a fantastic performance by every one of our players. The speed of our play and our penetration was absolutely superb… That’s absolutely the best night of European football we’ve had here.’ Alex Ferguson, a [...]

In a word, wow. Who really saw this coming? Not me, for one – I predicted a draw. Simply one of the most scintillating performances by an English club in Europe, ever. Roma were pretty poor, but that was down to United’s relentless waves of attack. When Premiership teams play at such a high tempo, [...]

1 Manchester United v Roma and Valencia v Chelsea: two excellent matches in very different ways. I decided to watch Manchester United first half and Chelsea second half – a good call I reckon! 2 United were absolutely unstoppable. The pace and verve of their attacking play was out of this world. Cristiano Ronaldo was [...]

Not quite up to the standards of Brazil, but still not bad at all.

A couple of bets for the Man Utd v Roma tie: 1 Man Utd half-time/draw full-time (12-1) I could see United scoring in the first half, but 1-0 is a dangerous score to sit on, and Roma have the talent to strike back an go through with a draw. 2 Cristiano Ronaldo to score first [...]

Seems Becks can’t kick his tat habit. He recently showed off a new forearm tattoo, apparently in tribute to Wentworth Miller’s character on Prison Break, fugitive Michael Scofield. The intricate design on his right arm includes his shirt number 23, and connects to the angel and clouds he already had on his arm. [Via Just [...]

Just think how much less interesting the Premiership would be without Jose. 1 ‘Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one.’ The quote that started it all, uttered not long after Mourinho had arrived at Chelsea, in 2004. 2 ‘If I wanted to have an easy job… [...]

Following yesterday’s Alistair McGowan clip, more classic football comedy on Pies courtesy of Ali G. Hear me now! Staines’ finest puts the Beckhams through the mill for Comic Relief. Includes the immortal line (while talking about the then baby Brooklyn): “So would you like him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad, [...]

One of the funniest things I’ve seen all season. Everton’s defence goes one way, all except poor Joleon Lescott, who forgot he was supposed to be playing the offside trap. Even Phil Neville found it hard not to laugh about it when he was interviewed after the match.

1 Alan Mahon, Watford v Portsmouth Hit with his weaker left foot. Hate to see what he could do with his good foot. Unstoppable.

So which Pies reader has outpredicted the rest and won a cool retro t-shirt from Goalhanger? To find out, read on…

Championship sides Barnsley and Birmingham can expect the postman to leave some fairly weighty packages from the FA over the next couple of days after a 22-man brawl erupted at the end of their Easter Monday fixture. Charges and disciplinary hearings are likely to be the order of the day after the scrap at Oakwell. [...]

The Guardian, amongst others, reports that wee Michael Owen – how England & Newcastle have missed his goals – will take part in a Newcastle reserves match today against a junior team from Hartlepool United. Owen is expected to play at least 45 minutes but it’s extremely doubtful that he will play for anything like [...]