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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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… second time around at least.

You would be delighted to pay your ticket money to witness either of these goals, but lucky Mexican fans got to see both these efforts in the game between San Luis and Pumas.Braulio Luna scored a spectacular volley from outside the area after being set up from a corner. And Tressor Malher Moreno turned brilliantly to take his chance. San Luis won the match 2-3.

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Former England skipper David Beckham picked up an £80 fine (or at least whatever that is in dollars) after making an illegal turn while driving in Los Angeles. Becks was pulled over by police after turning left at a right-turn only junction on Sunset Boulevard. He is a naughty boy.

Yesterday we asked whether you had forgiven Ron Atkinson enough for him to return to our television screens. Maybe he has learnt his lesson… or perhaps not. Here’s what happened when Baddiel and Skinner pre-empted his return.

This is pure class! It is mobile phone footage taken from Manchester United’s pre-match warm-up before their recent match with Liverpool. Cristiano Ronaldo manages to nutmeg a member of Man Yoo’s training staff without him even noticing. He doesn’t even break stride!

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While you would normally expect teenage boys to copy the style of their Premier League heroes, in a strange role reversal Liverpool’s John Arne Riise seems to have taken inspiration for his new barnet from a kid on a rough Merseyside estate. The Norwegian’s sun-kissed new look is what top salon stylists might call The Ginger Badger look.

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1 What a match! Thrilling, pulsating action and a couple of great goals. An old fashioned English cup tie, Champions League style.

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Premier League and Champions League football is a high-pressured workplace for any player. If you are not accustomed to the rigours of first-team action it can come as a shock to the system. Chelsea’s serial benchwarmer, Carlo Cudicini, has been thrown in at the deep end with a run in the Chelsea first-team which must have taken its toll. It looks like the news that Petr Cech is out for the rest of the season has tipped Carlo over the edge. Look at him! He has flipped out! Crazy!

Kris Boyd decided that rather than chase this pass towards the byline, hold up play and wait for support, he would save himself some energy by pretending he was tripped up. Unfortunately, his acting skills are not quite up to scratch.

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There has been plenty of contenders (most of them last seen trying to distinguish between their backside and the funny bone in the vicinity of Pride Park) but we have whittled down the Premier League’s poor performers to bring you a team so bad that even Roy Hodgson would think twice before sending it out on a Saturday afternoon. After the jump…

An idiot’s guide to goal celebrations courtesy of a man with a dodgy Russian accent and a funny hat. Apparently the man is Rudi Latka and this is part of his Soccer School series of spoof tuition videos.

ITV’s 21st century answer to Spitting Image started this weekend. In this sketch, Fabio Capello learns the dangers of relying on the FA translator.

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Tactical genius Kevin Keegan has come across a brilliant plan to improve Newcastle’s prospects. KK has simply stuck his club’s three star strikers up front and the Magpies have instantly transformed from relegation strugglers to free-scoring mid-table coasters. Obafemi Martins, Michael Owen and Mark Viduka each bagged a goal in a 3-0 win over Reading, which followed last week’s 1-4 win at Tottenham.

Veteran defender Tomasz Hajto did something not many veteran defenders do when he scored from 60 yards. The 35-year-old, once briefly of Derby County, fired in from his own half for Górnik Zabrze in their recent match against Polonia Bytom. I can’t really imagine Sol Campbell attempting this!

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HEROES
Joe Ledley The 21-year-old scored the goal (albeit against Barnsley) that sent Cardiff to the FA Cup final.

“Please, sir, I want some more goals.” “Sorry, Andrei, you’ve scored one now give your team-mates a chance.” And he did. After Arshavin’s opener, Zenit St Petersburg went onto beat Bayer Leverkusen 1-4 in the Uefa Cup last night.

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Some excellent Horror Hair potential in the first leg of the FA Youth Cup final last night. Chelsea youngster Miroslav Stoch presumably went into his barber and asked for a long back and short sides. His nouveau mullet puts ‘Nando Torres’ to shame. The 18-year-old Slovakian is rumoured to be on the verge of a first-team appearance.

Throughout history there have always been players who have proved that size doesn’t necessarily matter – just think Diego Maradona. They might not win every physical battle against an oversized centre forward but there are advantages of being small including a low centre of gravity that brings excellent ball control and pace to burn.
They may be short on size but that hasn’t stopped them making a big impression on the Premier League’s land of giants.

As the only Premier League side left in the FA Cup, the pressure is on Harry Redknapp to take Portsmouth all the way and win his first major trophy.
But they’ll have to beat a decent West Brom side at Wembley first and we’ve already seen a season of shocks in the Cup – will Old ‘Arry do it?

David Beckham clipped home his first MLS goal in the ninth minute of LA Galaxy’s match against San Jose Earthquakes last night. Becks also set up Galaxy’s second goal for Landon Donovan.

English fans might have a lingering hooligan reputation, but the majority of my countrymen can watch a five-a-side game without it all kicking off. Sadly in Brazil things are not so straightforward. A futsal match between São Paulo rivals Palmeiras and Corinthians this week ended in an eight-minute brawl between fans and police. Crazy scenes.

Columbia’s craziest goalkeeper may have recently reinvented his look by way of extensive plastic surgery but back in the day he had more Soul Glow than Eddie Murphy’s deluded lounge singer in Coming to America

We’re not sure about anyone else but the site of seeing Alan Shearer’s ever-receding hairline when we sit down to watch Match of the Day is starting to wear thin – has anyone been so determined to stave off baldness since Bobby Charlton and his combover?

So far our construction of the Premier League’s team of the season has had a distinctly Arsenal flavour to it with no less than four young Gunners claiming the first seven positions.
Arsenal’s attacking full-backs Gael Clichy and Bacary Sagna flank a defence featuring with Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand in middle and David James in goal – while the silk and steel partnership of Cesc Fabregas and Mathieu Flamini makes up the Pies’ readers midfield.
But, we don’t think that the right wing slot will be contested by an Arsenal player or anyone else not wearing the No. 7 shirt at Man United this season – is it a foregone conclusion?

No, it is not a team-building exercise but a commercial for Mercedes Benz. The German squad take on the Matterhorn in this mock silent movie. The cheesy subtitles read: “A difficult path lies ahead of you. But you won’t take it alone.”