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Who ate all the pies

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There has been plenty of contenders (most of them last seen trying to distinguish between their backside and the funny bone in the vicinity of Pride Park) but we have whittled down the Premier League’s poor performers to bring you a team so bad that even Roy Hodgson would think twice before sending it out on a Saturday afternoon. After the jump…

An idiot’s guide to goal celebrations courtesy of a man with a dodgy Russian accent and a funny hat. Apparently the man is Rudi Latka and this is part of his Soccer School series of spoof tuition videos.

ITV’s 21st century answer to Spitting Image started this weekend. In this sketch, Fabio Capello learns the dangers of relying on the FA translator.

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Tactical genius Kevin Keegan has come across a brilliant plan to improve Newcastle’s prospects. KK has simply stuck his club’s three star strikers up front and the Magpies have instantly transformed from relegation strugglers to free-scoring mid-table coasters. Obafemi Martins, Michael Owen and Mark Viduka each bagged a goal in a 3-0 win over Reading, which followed last week’s 1-4 win at Tottenham.

Veteran defender Tomasz Hajto did something not many veteran defenders do when he scored from 60 yards. The 35-year-old, once briefly of Derby County, fired in from his own half for Górnik Zabrze in their recent match against Polonia Bytom. I can’t really imagine Sol Campbell attempting this!

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Joe Ledley The 21-year-old scored the goal (albeit against Barnsley) that sent Cardiff to the FA Cup final.

“Please, sir, I want some more goals.” “Sorry, Andrei, you’ve scored one now give your team-mates a chance.” And he did. After Arshavin’s opener, Zenit St Petersburg went onto beat Bayer Leverkusen 1-4 in the Uefa Cup last night.

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Some excellent Horror Hair potential in the first leg of the FA Youth Cup final last night. Chelsea youngster Miroslav Stoch presumably went into his barber and asked for a long back and short sides. His nouveau mullet puts ‘Nando Torres’ to shame. The 18-year-old Slovakian is rumoured to be on the verge of a first-team appearance.

Throughout history there have always been players who have proved that size doesn’t necessarily matter – just think Diego Maradona. They might not win every physical battle against an oversized centre forward but there are advantages of being small including a low centre of gravity that brings excellent ball control and pace to burn.
They may be short on size but that hasn’t stopped them making a big impression on the Premier League’s land of giants.

As the only Premier League side left in the FA Cup, the pressure is on Harry Redknapp to take Portsmouth all the way and win his first major trophy.
But they’ll have to beat a decent West Brom side at Wembley first and we’ve already seen a season of shocks in the Cup – will Old ‘Arry do it?

David Beckham clipped home his first MLS goal in the ninth minute of LA Galaxy’s match against San Jose Earthquakes last night. Becks also set up Galaxy’s second goal for Landon Donovan.

English fans might have a lingering hooligan reputation, but the majority of my countrymen can watch a five-a-side game without it all kicking off. Sadly in Brazil things are not so straightforward. A futsal match between São Paulo rivals Palmeiras and Corinthians this week ended in an eight-minute brawl between fans and police. Crazy scenes.

Columbia’s craziest goalkeeper may have recently reinvented his look by way of extensive plastic surgery but back in the day he had more Soul Glow than Eddie Murphy’s deluded lounge singer in Coming to America

We’re not sure about anyone else but the site of seeing Alan Shearer’s ever-receding hairline when we sit down to watch Match of the Day is starting to wear thin – has anyone been so determined to stave off baldness since Bobby Charlton and his combover?

So far our construction of the Premier League’s team of the season has had a distinctly Arsenal flavour to it with no less than four young Gunners claiming the first seven positions.
Arsenal’s attacking full-backs Gael Clichy and Bacary Sagna flank a defence featuring with Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand in middle and David James in goal – while the silk and steel partnership of Cesc Fabregas and Mathieu Flamini makes up the Pies’ readers midfield.
But, we don’t think that the right wing slot will be contested by an Arsenal player or anyone else not wearing the No. 7 shirt at Man United this season – is it a foregone conclusion?

No, it is not a team-building exercise but a commercial for Mercedes Benz. The German squad take on the Matterhorn in this mock silent movie. The cheesy subtitles read: “A difficult path lies ahead of you. But you won’t take it alone.”

At least we think that’s what is going on here. The Liverpool boss seems to be performing a piece of opera to his own hand.


When I heard Colin Kazim-Richards was moving to Fenerbahce last summer I expected him to return to England within a matter of months with his tail between his legs to join a lower league English club. But no, the man who was once bought by Brighton with money won in a Coca Cola competition is now a fully-fledged Turkish international and Champions League goalscorer.

The Hungarian league is staking an unlikely claim to be the best league in the world for ridiculous own goals. Just days after we brought you this effort from Jan Durica, we have uncovered this startlingly similar effort from Tibor Takody.

Man United’s Rio Ferdinand was sporting what looked like an impressive pair of shiners during the game against Roma last night – apparently they were caused by a knock against Villa at the weekend.
The look resembles London Zoo’s most famous Panda bear, Chi Chi – and they say ball playing defenders are an endangered species too.

Arsenal vs Liverpool (7.45pm BST)
The battle of Britain commences with the first of three games in succession between these two teams. Arsenal will have to decide whether to move Eboue back into defence in place of the injured Bacary Sagna while Liverpool will continue with their latest system of using Gerrard in the hole behind the in-form Fernando Torres.


It is a big weekend of sport coming up. Not only is it the FA Cup semi-finals but the Grand National is also taking place. A lot of footballing figures take more than a passing interest in the gee-gees. So we are going Through The Stable Keyhole to find out who has invested their football wages in a nag. Who owns a horse like this? Readers, it’s over to you.

There can’t be any doubt that Cristiano Ronaldo is currently the best player in the world and possibly the best player in Man United’s history – his 35 goals this season have carried United to the top of the Premier League and within touching distance of another European Cup semi-final.
The only problem with taking your game to a higher level than anyone can reach is that you can feel disappointed by the ‘mere mortals’ playing around you. While Ronaldo has been breaking scoring records this season, his number of assists has fallen dramatically – suggesting a selfishness and lack of trust in his teammates

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1 United are through to the semi-finals. It is difficult to imagine Roma (or many sides for that matter) scoring two goals at Old Trafford at the moment.
2 Cristiano Ronaldo is unstoppable on present form.
3 But he is also a moody git. We don’t need the outstretched arms and face of disbelieving sorrow each time an opposition player brushes against you, C-Ron.