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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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A man with no idea how to use Photoshop (me) offers his impression of how Johnson would look in a Liverpool shirt By all accounts, Portsmouth have accepted an £18m bid from Liverpool for Glen Johnson. Hmm, funny that Rafa Benitez is suddenly willing to spend so much on Johnson when he enquired about the […]

With no domestic football to talk about (apart from what’s being churned out by the massive rumour factory), the 2009 Confed Cup is doing a very good job of satisfying my appetite for football. It produced two cracking games yesterday, with 11 goals in all. Egypt, a team you would be foolish to underestimate, ran […]

This is Jamie Gascoigne, a Dagenham-dwelling Spurs fan with a big squawky mouth. He’s just been voted Sky’s FanZoner of the Year, which is, ahem, the only thing Spurs won in 08/09. It’s something at least for Yids to be able to say, “We have a more annoying and opinionated fan than you…” Though Jamie […]

1. Fernando Torres is a transfer target for Man Utd. This won’t ever happen, so here’s what Torres would look like in a United shirt. I spent several seconds Photoshopping the Spaniard’s head onto Darren Fletcher’s body, but scaled the head to be a little bit too big, because it’s funnier that way. [@ BigSoccer] […]

Q. Who’s that wandering the corridors of Moscow’s Crowne Plaza hotel in nothing but his pants? A. It’s the one United player who you’d expect to find wandering a hotel’s corridors in nothing but his pants. This short clip (see below) was reportedly filmed on the day of the 2008 Champions League final, in Moscow’s […]

Ah, you’re probably not looking at his hair though, are you? Becks’ hairdo here looks remarkably like one of David James’ previous efforts (no prizes for guessing which one). [Dave spotted in his pants @ Kickette] Bonus video Watch Beckham unveil his latest line of underwear…

Nice one Puma, you faaacked up in a big way with this effort. After Spurs’ elegant kits for 08/09, this is a huge letdown. The yellow detail on the white home shirt looks nasty as hell. The whole home kit is a mess, in fact. The other two aren’t quite so bad, but none of […]

When I call FB arrogant, I mean it as a massive compliment. It’s admirable arrogance, if that’s not oxymoronic. This highlights reel, which popped up on YouTube a few days ago, features some great footage of old Franz striding imperiously around the pitch, in a manner that makes it easy to see why he was […]

Time was, the only way you’d leave Old Trafford was on the say-so of Ferguson. A United player’s future was almost entirely in Ferguson’s hands. Those days are long gone. Player power is so great that football managers no longer inspire fear in the men they manage. Sometimes they don’t even inspire basic respect (see […]

Warning: these two men can severely damage your goal difference The Confederations Cup (come on, I know you can feign interest with me…) kicked off at the weekend. Pre-tournament favourites Spain demolished New Zealand, thanks to a Fernando Torres hat-trick, while in the other game, hosts South Africa played out a scrappy goalless draw with […]

“Were it not for an unhappy spell at Real Madrid and two injury-scarred years at Newcastle, he would be spoken about in the same breath as Torres and Ronaldo and valued in the priceless figures that only match-winning goalscorers ever justify.” This is perhaps the best quote from a 30-page begging letter brochure, produced by […]

Many thanks to the improbably named Tucker Markus for this gem. Do you have an even shitter lookalike up your sleeve? Email Pies with your suggestion(s).

[@ FootballShirtCulture] This looks rather like the same Nike template for Arsenal’s away shirt for last season, but there are much worse designs to appropriate. I know some Fulham fans liked the classic simplicity of the white home shirts worn in recent seasons, but the black trim works for me – I think this looks […]

C-Ron haters, and Sky Sports, are resorting to this classic line. But is it true? In the Alex Ferguson era, there seems to be two distinct categories of United players who have been shown the exit door: 1) Young players who were tipped for great things but never quite made the grade (Lee Sharpe, Luke […]

A scything tackle on the referee’s blindside. We’ve all wanted to do this at one time or another. “But ref, I slipped!” Question: why do so many YouTube videos have a cheesy-but-euphoric trance soundtrack? Answers on a postcard please. Or leave a comment, it’s much quicker.

Good work, person on the internet with too much time on their hands who did this. [@ RoM]

Carlito was delighted when his mum turned up at Man Utd’s training ground Fergie phoned Tevez this week to assure him that he had a future at Old Trafford. The Argentine’s response can be paraphrased as follows: “It’s a bit f**king late, gaffer!” Tevez is still hopping mad that he didn’t get to play more […]

“Have you seen my arse? It’s like an Alsatian’s.” Stevie G has been at the truth serum again. (Yes, I did Photoshop this. Sorry.)

United – Ronaldo = what league position? Make your call: Where will Man Utd finish in the league next season?(poll)

Getting a footballer to sign a photo, then revealing it’s a photo of that player missing a penalty: priceless. I’m glad these Gooners got so much enjoyment from such a lame stunt. They’re easily pleased, clearly. Watch the reveal, if you care.

No great shock that Andorra, who would struggle to compete in League Two, were thrashed by Fabio Capello’s boys in white. England could have scored more than ten goals but settled on six. Gold stars for Wayne Rooney, Glen Johnson and Frank Lampard, who were all excellent. This qualifying thing seems all too easy for […]

Well it’s not every week that a £56m transfer deal is forgotten about quite so quickly. Yesterday, Kaka was the name on every fan’s lips. Today, the Brazilian’s record move to Madrid is off the agenda, completely overshadowed by the mega news that C-Ron is also off to the Bernabeu, for even more cash. I […]

Two-nil up in the Manchester derby and C-Ron sulks in the dug-out after being taken off. Was he thinking, “Right, that’s it – I’m done with Fergie and the shit Manchester weather…” or was it after the Champions League final defeat that he made up his mind? Make your call below…

White really makes my tan pop… Holy crapola! According to the BBC, Manchester United have accepted an £80m bid from Real Madrid for Cristiano Ronaldo. And about time too. “United have agreed to give Real Madrid permission to talk to the player,” a statement from the English champions stated. The statement added that the decision […]

An anoymous Scottish man - let’s call him Mad Jack McMad - bet £135,000 on England to beat Andorra in last night’s World Cup qualifier at Wembley, at prohibitive odds of 1/200. He did win his bet, but walked away with just £675 in winnings. Smart, or dumb? (I go with dumb.) “No way do I want […]