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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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The rumours were right: Kenny Dalglish is returning to Liverpool to take up a senior role in the club’s academy. King Kenny will also act as a global ambassador for LFC, travelling the world to talk about how soft and well-groomed Rafa’s beard is, no doubt while snacking on vol-au-vonts and sipping the finest wines […]

Get me a rum and coke NOW. I’m on a roll… Fergie seems willing to overlook Michael Owen’s appalling injury record, unlike Big Sam, who wasn’t prepared to take a risk on signing a player who might not be able to give Blackburn at least 30 games next season. I understand Allardyce’s argument - he has […]

Chelsea didn’t just reject Man City’s bid for Mr JT; they blew it out of the water with a snide dismissal worthy only of the Great Peter Kenyon: “Chelsea Football Club can confirm it has completely rejected an offer from Manchester City for John Terry. “It was made clear to City, for the second time […]

Now Fergie has two crocked Owens to play with. Boom boom.

It’s happening! It’s really happening. We have officially moved from the hazy world of rumour to Planet FACT. But as Bob said in an earlier Pies comment, Mickey could still fail his medical. Jeez, the little fella must be very excited though. [@ Mirror]

Look at this piece of insania! It’s krazy with a k. It’s the work of a funky German company called Do You Football. That doesn’t even make sense. So this is what happens when Germans think outside the box. The smudges are some sort of reference to Bochum’s industrial heritage, I believe. Bochum was a big […]

I’m out. That is all. [@ 101GreatGoals]

This is bollocks. Can I go back to the home now? Let us never forget that the only reason Fergie signed Cristiano Ronaldo was because his players told him to. So I wonder if actually Fergie is – at last - out of touch with football reality? Football reality says Michael Owen is slow and always […]

You know how hard it is to PhotoShop Crouchy’s head onto stuff? Harder than you’d think – he has a strange-shaped head (and a strange-shaped body, for that matter) This can’t be right. Owen to Man Yoo and now a rumour saying Crouchinho is a target for Milan. Has planet football gone bat-shit crazy overnight? […]

In which Moss FK midfielder Lars Øvrebø goes straight to the top of any list marked ‘Own goals you wish you’d scored at the other end.’ I also enjoyed the woefully contrived build-up play of HamKam’s No.22, Roman Kienast. He looks like a lumbering, shitter version of any Prem right winger. I understand he’s currently […]

My name is Michael Owen. I am aspirational, charismatic and fully fit, I promise. It’s great to be back in red, representing a world-class brand I know Fergie is a pensioner, but what the dickens is he doing rummaging around in the charity-shop cassette basket? Michael Owen is wanted by Hull and Stoke; the champions […]

Landycakes has stood up to be counted. In an explosive quote from Grant Wahl’s new book, ‘The Beckham Experiment’, the US midfielder reveals a shocking level of emnity and resentment towards Golden Balls. Get a load of this: “All that we care about at a minimum is that he [Beckham] committed himself to us. As […]

50,000 fascists fans turned up at the Bernabeu to say hi to Kaka. Imagine how many will turn up to welcome C-Ron.

The terrible rumour that Villa fans awoke to this morning claimed that Martin O’Neill is about to sign Titus Bramble. Reports in today’s Daily Star say that O’Neill will offer Wigan Athletic around £3.5m, plus teenage midfielder Barry Bannan for the much-maligned centre-back. As you might expect, plenty of Villa fans are not best pleased […]

A very enjoyable interview with Crouchinho, in which he reveals all sorts of stuff, including a passion for steak, Kerry Dixon and Kings of Leon. He also lifts the lid on his favourite swear word. Pies’ favourite English footballer? Crouchy, no doubt. [@ Channelbee]

Did Arsenal get Arshavin to replicate his famous goal celebration for a photo shoot for the Gunners’ new third kit, or is this just a very good bit of Photoshopping? Either way, Arsenal’s new third kit is rather smart, even if some Gooners have complained that it looks a bit too much like Tottenham’s classic […]

Carla Suarez Navarro of is Spain’s hottest female tennis talent. Samir Nasri… well, you know exactly who he is. Now this is what I call a first-class Shit Lookalike. They don’t really look much like each other, but at the same time I see exactly what Paul Beatty (the reader who suggested it) means. Good […]

On Twitter, the Houston Dynamo striker styles himself as “an active guy who loves to surf and who plays soccer for a living. Can’t complain.” The Chingster’s positive attitude makes a refreshing change from many Prem stars, who don’t seem to know they’re born. Plus he Tweets regularly, on all manner of subjects. Sample Tweets […]

Most football managers are control freaks, of course, but I couldn’t help but smile at a recent quote by Fernando Torres on his obsessive manager: “Rafa concentrates on the professional side of things. He tries to improve every minor detail and movement you carry out during the course of a game, and he also explains […]

Don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry From today’s Current Bun: “A girl suffered cuts on her arms when soccer ace Cristiano Ronaldo kicked in a car window, it emerged last night. The Portuguese star faces a police quiz over the injuries to Sara Pardal, 17. “Ronaldo, 24, allegedly flipped in […]

That’s quite a tackle. I call it the ‘Chuck Norris double-leg sleeper’. Lethal when done correctly.

Valencia is a good player with pace, skill and, crucially, solid Premier League experience at Wigan. And at 23, he’s younger than Cristiano Ronaldo, the man who he replaces – not directly - at United. But will Valencia turn out to be a Kanchelskis or a Kleberson? Check out some video evidence and vote after the […]

… According to Spanish rag Marca, anyway - but then Marca is the mouthpiece of Real Madrid, so it’s pretty much what you’d expect to hear. But I have to say Marca sounds very confident that the deal is already done (for around €35m), and also that it will be announced in the next 24 hours. […]

£18m! Really? What the what?! (Yes, I am a bit late to this.) I guess Mark Hughes has a major man-crush on Santa Cruz, then, otherwise he’d have wised up to the fact that the striker is worth … ooooh … let’s say more like £6m. Great deal for Blackburn, this. Don’t you think Peter […]

She’s not worth it, son From the Beeb: “Cristiano Ronaldo has completed his world record £80m move from Manchester United to Real Madrid after agreeing a six-year deal. “United, who accepted Real’s offer for the winger on 11 June, have confirmed the move has been finalised and he will be presented to the fans on […]