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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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The players (and owners) who came in from the cold

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“We need to go in relaxsched, we need to go in with also belief.” What? Steve McClaren’s fake Dutch accent is on the go again. This guy is such a plonker. The accent is bad enough (there are loads of annoying people who accidentally imitate the accents of those they talk to), but to start rearranging your syntax…. Macca – you’ve got issues!

Danish defenders for dummies, by Pies

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Name Lars Christian Jacobsen

Wrexham striker Jefferson Louis scores a lovely goal in his side’s victory over Altrincham. He is substituted before the end and obliges the pitchside reporter with a frank analysis of why he came off. A little too frank for Setanta Sports’ liking! This is the television gods punishing those who think it is acceptable to break away from the match to interview someone during the game.

Should have got a Brazilian

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Reds sign another speedy Spaniard

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Liverpool have joined a host of other top football teams (plus Tottenham) in the football-meets-motorsport extravaganza that is Superleague Formula. Roma, AC Milan and Porto are among the clubs to sign up for the competition, which starts at Donington Park this weekend.

Just look at Avia keeper Eduardo Martini frantically weighing up his options. He eventually settles on belting it as hard as he can, and I bet he is glad he did now. One of those bizarre kicks of the turf and a loop over the Parana keeper later, and Eduardo is a goalscoring hero.

Ferg for London 2012?

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The Prem’s biggest bottom-lip bearers

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1. Nicolas Anelka
The man who is nicknamed Le Sulk is our inevitable number one. The original master of the enforced transfer saga that we have heard so much about this summer with Robbie Keane, Gareth Barry, Dimitar Berbatov etc. This guy has made a career out of it, playing for nine clubs and rarely moving on without a fall-out of some description.

Commentator discovers hard way that mass loss of life is not particularly funny

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Aside from the fact that his head and/or hair is a very odd shape, the most striking thing about Wigan Athletic’s Paul Scharner prior to watching his side lose against Chelsea was his Elton John hand-me-down specs.

With the startling news in the wake of defeat Fulham that Arsene Wenger doesn’t like excuses, we look at six of his best rational explanations

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1.”I did not see it.”

David Beckham took time out from being criticised by journalists on both sides of the Atlantic to overhit a pass to a Chinese Olympic organiser. Becks took part in the handover section of the closing ceremony as part of the London 2012 team. He appeared with Leona Lewis and Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page.

Schteeve van der McClaren gets some more stick for his phoney Dutch accent and his similarity to the Joker from Batman.

Peroxide Phil

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Summaries from the weekend action

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1. The changed man of the week award goes to Arsene Wenger, who after defeat to Fulham proclaimed: “I don’t like excuses.”
More conclusions after the jump…

Pies’ handy guide to Man City’s new Belgian defender Name Vincent Kompany Age 22 Nationality Belgian Club history Anderlecht, Hamburg SV, Man City (current) Position Central defender Is he any good? I know that in Konami’s Pro Evolution Soccer series he used to be a very talented, fast-improving young centre-back (I had him in my […]

Games

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

August 22nd, 2008

1. Career path Marconi Stallions, Dynamo Dresden, Kaiserslautern, Bradford City, Middlesbrough, Fulham (current) 2. Multiple choice Who was Man Utd’s club captain before Roy Keane? a) Steve Bruce, b) Bryan Robson, c) Eric Cantona, d) Paul Ince 3. Picture round Who dis? 4. Get shirty Danka, Kejian and One 2 One have all sponsored the […]

Come to Wearside, my pretties

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These days Roy Keane and Sunderland seem to be taking a Panini sticker approach to the transfer market (“got, got, got, need, got”). Either that or they have drafted in Barry Fry to work behind the scenes because the Black Cats seem to be assembling a HUGE squad. If you believe the papers, there is barely a footballer in the Northern Hemisphere who Collector Keane hasn’t got an eye on. And if they are Irish that’s even better.

Chelsea must break British transfer record to buy Robinho According to The Guardian, Real Madrid have told Robinho that he will be allowed to leave the Bernabeu, but only if Chelsea offer £32m for the Brazil international. The London club recently had a bid of £26m refused. Big Phil Scolari is desperate to sign his […]

Love letters from Beijing

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How do you keep your club manager happy when you have missed the start of the Premier League season to play for your country’s under-23 squad on the other side of the world? Easy, you send messages of your undying love for him through the media. Javier Mascherano has been letting Rafa Benitez know that, even though he is in China, his heart is in Liverpool.

Arsenal star embarrassed in restaurant Cesc Fabregas was dining out with two female friends at Soho club Studio Valbonne when his bill of almost £300 arrived. A witness said: “He tried one card, it failed. Then another. It failed again. After much faffing he sent an aide out to get cash.”

Liverpool’s boss up to mischief? As soon as it was clear that Argentina would beat Brazil in their Olympic football semi-final (when the Argies went 2-0 up), Brazilian midfielder Lucas seemed hell-bent on picking up a red card. Lucas fouled Liverpool team-mate Javier Mascherano from behind, and was indeed sent off. The red card means […]

Why has Man City defender fallen out of favour for his country? How many more times do I have to watch Wes Brown flail around for England at right-back? Brown is a capable centre-back, but a poor full-back. He often looks nervous on the ball, his close control is lacking, and while he runs the […]

David James, consider yourself bamboozled Like all England friendlies, last night’s match against the Czech Republic, was depressing and pointless. At least Marek Jankulovski had the decency to light up proceedings with this moment of class. Thanks Marek.