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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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Proof, if proof be need be… “Shirts are more generous” is just a polite way of saying “our sorry collection of fat-fuck fans told us they couldn’t even squeeze into an XXL shirt”. I reckon these expanding City fans should follow the famously obese Toon Army’s example and go shirtless. [EPL Talk]

Internacional keeper Cleber seems to be angling for a move to Blackburn Rovers as Paul Robinson’s understudy. You see, if Cleber was capable of dealing with a fairly strong knee-high backpass by cleanly volleying the ball upfield, he would probably be a candidate for the Internacional strikeforce. But he can’t and he isn’t. Not a very Cleber boy.

How to offend one billion people First came Ronaldo at the 2002 World Cup. Then, in 2008, it was Spain’s men’s basketball team, followed closely by the Spanish tennis team. And now Argentina’s Olympic women’s footballers have been caught in the act. This photo was published – without controversy, we add – in the Argentine […]

Who messed up in their opening match?

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1. Manchester United
We are sure Fraizer Campbell will become a very good player in his own right, but he is not ready to lead the line for the champions of Europe. Man Yoo did not look comfortable against Newcastle, and you don’t want to be relying on Darren Fletcher to score your goals all season.

C-Ron voted “ultimate gay icon” An online survey of 3,000 gay men voted C-Ronaldo the ultimate gay icon. A spokeswoman for www.gaygolddiggers.uk.com said: “Ronaldo’s ripped body, slicked-back hair, shiny white teeth and jewellery swung the votes his way. He looks like any gay man or woman’s dream.” Yeah, he also looks like a frickin’ Guido. […]

A legend, do you hear me… Darren Huckerby facts: 1) He comes from the Northfolk team in north-east England 2) He’s a legend 3) He’s responsible for the Greatest Goal Ever 4) “Manchester” play in blue, it seems 5) He’s a LEGEND 6) His wife is too old to be a pop star

Actor shows off his fancy footwork Thespian Gary Oldman was chosen to front ITV’s campaign to promote its three-pronged football coverage (Champions League, FA Cup and England internationals) this season. We managed to get our hands on an out-take from the the promo ad, which shows that Oldman didn’t need a stunt double to pull […]

Half a dozen heroes from the new season’s first weekend Click on the photo to check out the list…

Brazil v Argentina, the board-game Olympics That’s one tense game of Jenga… until Carlos throws his toys out of the pram.

Some random thoughts on the weekend’s action 1. How do you expect me to concentrate fully on the Prem when the Olympics are still on? If the opening round of games felt a bit flat, that’s because they had to compete with the Greatest Show on Earth, starring Usain Bolt et al. Speaking of Bolt, […]

The most striking images from the Prem’s curtain-raiser Much more on Saturday and Sunday’s games throughout the day on Pies. For now, enjoy these pictures. Click on the image to launch the gallery…

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David James further secured his place in Horror Hair history by starting the new season with terrible chunky cornrows.

The Championship match between Burnley and Ipswich kicked off late yesterday when a parachutist involved in a pre-match jump missed his target and landed on the roof of the Turf Moor stadium. There was more mayhem when the fire engine that came to rescue the stranded parachutist couldn’t get into the ground because of parked cars. Ipswich eventually won 0-3, if you’re interested.

Predict the Premier League results. Can you do better than Pies? It’s back and this time we have prizes! Each Friday this season, Pies will run Prem Picks – all you have to do is leave a comment with your predictions (and an email contact address), to stand a chance of winning the weekly prize. […]

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1. Cristiano Ronaldo in the crowd at Old Trafford in a Real Madrid replica shirt.

Games

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

August 15th, 2008

It’s back! 1. Career path Valerenga, Rosenborg, Valencia, Besiktas, Lyon, Aston Villa (current) 2. Multiple choice In what year was Italy’s Serie A founded? a) 1898, b) 1900, c) 1902, d) 1904 3. Picture round Who dis? (Clue: he has less hair now) 4. Get shirty Danone, Sony, Tamoil and Sky Sports have all sponsored […]

Who’s in your engine room? Pies picks six midfielders who will strengthen your fantasy XI 1. Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal) Pros Last season, Cesc added goals to assists. Set to improve this season. If fit, will surely play every league game. Cons Expensive to buy. More after the jump…

Mark Hughes embarrassed by home defeat Man City lost at home to Danish side FC Midtjylland in the first leg of their Uefa Cup qualifier last night. It’s a rule in European football that you should always beat a team that you can’t pronounce – City failed miserably there. Sparky’s boys should still turn the […]

Friday’s news and rumours Paul Ince struggling to make friends at Blackburn? [BBC] Martin O’Neill cup-ties Gareth Barry. Screw you, Rafa [The Sun] Wayne Rooney fit for Man Utd opener v Newcastle [Mail] Adrian Mutu ordered by Fifa to pay £13.8m in damages to Chelsea, for failed drug test. It’s the biggest fine ever given […]

That’s all we want to know… Me, I’m going for Liverpool. Call me crazy if you want, I can’t hear you. Who will win the Premier League this season? ( surveys)

Pepe Reina saves penalty to spare The Pool’s blushes Not the start Liverpool fans wanted. Liege should have won the game, but I can’t see Rafa Benitez’s team playing so badly in the return leg. Maybe Liverpool’s ghastly green kit was to blame? Click on the image below to launch the gallery. And if you […]

Arsenal off to a winning start in the Champions League Scrappy first goal, neat set-up by Walcott for the second. Job done, can’t see Twente coming back from that, although as I said in the post below, Arsenal were far from convincing. And apologies for the dire soundtrack – who thinks it’s a good idea […]

Arsenal flatter to deceive, Steve McClaren stays a loser On the face of it, this is a very solid result for Arsenal. But in truth they were second-best to Twente for long periods of this scrappy game – 1-1 would have been a more realistic scoreline. Goals by Billy Gallas and Emmanuel Adeboyor did the […]

The best caption wins a five-disc DVD box set… Poor C-Ron: sat in the stands during Sunday’s Community Shield, all alone and probably wishing he was in Madrid. Oh well, how much sympathy can you have for a man who earns more than £100,000 in a single week? Exactly. Anyway, we want you to come […]

Either that or he has taken off to Holland to become a professional Arsene Wenger impersonator. This is hilarious. At one point he says: “We are what you call underdogs.” No, Steve. You are the one who speaks English as a first language (allegedly); you are what you call underdogs.