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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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1 English side dominates against international opposition before losing on penalties. In the words of Morrissey: “Stop me if you think that you’ve. Heard this one before.” I have been talking Phil Jagielka up for an England call-up and it looks like his penalty-taking is already at the required level.

This hilarious video shows prankster Paolo Calabresi conning Real Madrid officials that he deserves VIP treatment when he attends the Real-Roma Champions League tie because he is a Shit Lookalike for Nicholas Cage. This culminate in him being presented with a ‘Nicholas Cage 1′ Real Madrid shirt!

The Pies’ Premier League team of the season is shaping up quite nicely with readers voting for the ageless experience of Portsmouth’s David James in goal while Bacary Sagna’s seamless integration into the Arsenal team has made him your first choice right-back.
Now, we’re turning to the opposite defensive flank to find who has been the best left-back in the Premier League this season. As far as we can see the Big Four clubs have the best players sewn up in this position – although Pompey’s Herman Hreidarsson and West Ham’s George McCartney haven’t done badly and Gareth Bale impressed before injury. But who’s been the pick of the bunch?

You are England so you have to speak English.” No wonder Lassana Diarra couldn’t wait to quit Chelsea. Just look at this relentless bullying. Apparently Geremi is Diarra’s father!

Shirt manufacturers Pony are attempting to return to the lucrative football market with this viral spoof of Adidas’s Impossible Is Nothing adverts. They even brought in a David Beckham Shit Lookalike for the occasion.

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It would have been a great story: Inter Milan boss Roberto Mancini brings himself on as a substitute in a last-ditch attempt to score against Liverpool. Sadly this wasn’t a desperate man’s last throw of the dice but the Italian legend taking part in Inter’s centenary celebration friendly match a couple of days earlier.

It seems that every time Liverpool start to perform on the pitch, another problem arises off it to put them off their stride. The Reds have been embroiled in a takeover battle between their American owners and interested Arabs for most of the season – and the latest bout could threaten their Champions League hopes.

These crazy scenes come from Colombia and the Cali derby between Deportivo and America on Saturday. With Deportivo winning 1-0 a riot broke out in the stands. Police moved in prompting referee Wilmer Roldan to abandon the match on 82 minutes. Being the consummate professionals they are, the America players did the only thing the could and chased the referee off the pitch. Meanwhile, America coach Diego Umana was busy punching Cali boss Daniel Carreno. Around 60 fans had to be treated for injuries. And rumours today claim police are working on a theory that the full-scale riot was started by a jealous boyfriend angry that his girlfriend was flirting with another man!

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There has been no better time to be a Football League player given the number of Championship clubs through to the FA Cup semi-finals. Here is Pies run down on XI of the best players outside the Premier League.

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He may have scored 40 goals for his country but, as Don Fabio has already shown, reputations count for nothing under his new England regime – just ask Becks.
Owen only just made Capello’s first England squad but was snubbed against Switzerland with suggestions that he was only fourth in the strikers pecking order – and his Newcastle form hasn’t exactly strengthened a case for inclusion.
Will he make it back into Capello’s first team plans?

If you thought dodos were extinct, think again. Here is video evidence that they are not only alive and well, but also capable of scoring sweet volleys. This particular Dodo is a Fluminense player and he scored a wonder goal against Arsenal (no, not that Arsenal but Argentina’s Arsenal de Sarandi) this week. Full marks for technique and accuracy – there was no stopping this effort.

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The Horror Hair afro is back, folks! Emmanuel Adebayor was featured on Pies a couple of weeks ago, and now we are showcasing the beautifully burgeoning afro of Portsmouth’s Glen Johnson.

After this weekend’s giant killing exploits in the FA Cup, there will only be one top flight team (Portsmouth) in the semi-finals for the first time in a century – and it’s been 33 years since the final last lacked one of the big clubs from United, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs and even Everton.
While we all enjoyed the so-called ‘romance of the FA Cup’ dumping out the big teams, does it mean that the competition is now more important to the smaller clubs?

We’re continuing our search for the best players plying their trade in the Premier League this season – as chosen by Pies’ readers.
So far, 23% of you have slightly surprisingly named David James as the league’s best goalkeeper – and that was before Portsmouth put Man United out of the FA Cup. Now it’s time to turn our attention to the defence in front of him and first up is the right-back slot.

There are, it seems, numerous ways for football fans to channel the adrenaline generated by an FA Cup shock or two. For one pumped-up Barnsley fan, a YouTube montage in the style of a film trailer for 300 seemed like the most appropriate course of action. Enjoy.

One day Adidas has Lionel Messi stretching his leg behind him around giant sand-covered cones, and the next thing his hamstring is kaput. Coincidence? I think not…

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Sadly this photograph doesn’t quite do justice to Obafemi Martins’ gravity-defying new hairdo. The Newcastle United striker has developed some pretty impressive spikes that would risk puncturing the ball if the Magpies ever got any decent crosses into him!

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HEROES
Kayode Odejayi Oh, you thought he might be here, did you? Odejayi rose to head home Barnsley’s winner against Chelsea.

With only around ten games to go, it’s safe to say which players have been a success in the Premier League this season – so we’ve decided to assemble a team of the best performing players as chosen by ‘Pies readers.
We start in between the sticks with those eccentric loners who claim to be a different breed from their outfield teammates – the goalkeepers. They might not normally get the recognition they deserve but preventing a goal can be as important as scoring one at the other end.

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At the start of the season Pies presented its Silly Injuries XI celebrating the footballers who had managed to rule themselves out of contention for selection in bizarre circumstances. We can now add to that list Dundee’s Derek Lyle. The striker some how managed to fall through a glass table in his home which means he will miss his side’s Scottish Cup quarter-final against Queen of the South.

There were mixed fortunes for the British sides still involved in the UEFA Cup last night – although it was our big name teams that suffered while the lesser lights managed a few surprises.

Earlier this week we questioned the wisdom behind some of the more baffling managerial appointments made in the Premier League by asking you to vote for the worst one – with a unanimous 43% not backing Keegan to stage a Second Coming at Newcastle.
But among the many misses there have also been a few hits this season, with not only Daniel Levy being able to say, “I told you so’. So, who’s been the best new manager brought on this season?

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Apparently Liverpool fans are not best pleased with their American owners. They kept that one quiet, didn’t they? Some Reds fans have produced the somewhat inevitable slogan t-shirt aimed at co-owner George Gillett. You can pick one up from eBay by clicking here.

This goal from the final match of the 1984 season has everything: aggression, determination, speed, skill. The move starts as a slide tackle. Beardsley win the ball, turns on a halfpenny and finishes with a deft chip.

Werder Bremen keeper Tim Wiese made a truly horrendous error during his side’s tie with Rangers last night. Everything about it stank – the fact that it happened on the stroke of half-time, the fact that his team were still 0-0 in a Uefa Cup away leg at the time and, of course, the fact that he pushed a 35-yard shot into his own net. Daniel Cousin was the man who tried his luck, prompting more Rangers players than had probably anticipated to kiss their Cousin.