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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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Warning: these two men can severely damage your goal difference The Confederations Cup (come on, I know you can feign interest with me…) kicked off at the weekend. Pre-tournament favourites Spain demolished New Zealand, thanks to a Fernando Torres hat-trick, while in the other game, hosts South Africa played out a scrappy goalless draw with […]

“Were it not for an unhappy spell at Real Madrid and two injury-scarred years at Newcastle, he would be spoken about in the same breath as Torres and Ronaldo and valued in the priceless figures that only match-winning goalscorers ever justify.” This is perhaps the best quote from a 30-page begging letter brochure, produced by […]

Many thanks to the improbably named Tucker Markus for this gem. Do you have an even shitter lookalike up your sleeve? Email Pies with your suggestion(s).

[@ FootballShirtCulture] This looks rather like the same Nike template for Arsenal’s away shirt for last season, but there are much worse designs to appropriate. I know some Fulham fans liked the classic simplicity of the white home shirts worn in recent seasons, but the black trim works for me – I think this looks […]

C-Ron haters, and Sky Sports, are resorting to this classic line. But is it true? In the Alex Ferguson era, there seems to be two distinct categories of United players who have been shown the exit door: 1) Young players who were tipped for great things but never quite made the grade (Lee Sharpe, Luke […]

A scything tackle on the referee’s blindside. We’ve all wanted to do this at one time or another. “But ref, I slipped!” Question: why do so many YouTube videos have a cheesy-but-euphoric trance soundtrack? Answers on a postcard please. Or leave a comment, it’s much quicker.

Good work, person on the internet with too much time on their hands who did this. [@ RoM]

Carlito was delighted when his mum turned up at Man Utd’s training ground Fergie phoned Tevez this week to assure him that he had a future at Old Trafford. The Argentine’s response can be paraphrased as follows: “It’s a bit f**king late, gaffer!” Tevez is still hopping mad that he didn’t get to play more […]

“Have you seen my arse? It’s like an Alsatian’s.” Stevie G has been at the truth serum again. (Yes, I did Photoshop this. Sorry.)

United – Ronaldo = what league position? Make your call: Where will Man Utd finish in the league next season?(poll)

Getting a footballer to sign a photo, then revealing it’s a photo of that player missing a penalty: priceless. I’m glad these Gooners got so much enjoyment from such a lame stunt. They’re easily pleased, clearly. Watch the reveal, if you care.

No great shock that Andorra, who would struggle to compete in League Two, were thrashed by Fabio Capello’s boys in white. England could have scored more than ten goals but settled on six. Gold stars for Wayne Rooney, Glen Johnson and Frank Lampard, who were all excellent. This qualifying thing seems all too easy for […]

Well it’s not every week that a £56m transfer deal is forgotten about quite so quickly. Yesterday, Kaka was the name on every fan’s lips. Today, the Brazilian’s record move to Madrid is off the agenda, completely overshadowed by the mega news that C-Ron is also off to the Bernabeu, for even more cash. I […]

Two-nil up in the Manchester derby and C-Ron sulks in the dug-out after being taken off. Was he thinking, “Right, that’s it – I’m done with Fergie and the shit Manchester weather…” or was it after the Champions League final defeat that he made up his mind? Make your call below…

White really makes my tan pop… Holy crapola! According to the BBC, Manchester United have accepted an £80m bid from Real Madrid for Cristiano Ronaldo. And about time too. “United have agreed to give Real Madrid permission to talk to the player,” a statement from the English champions stated. The statement added that the decision […]

An anoymous Scottish man - let’s call him Mad Jack McMad - bet £135,000 on England to beat Andorra in last night’s World Cup qualifier at Wembley, at prohibitive odds of 1/200. He did win his bet, but walked away with just £675 in winnings. Smart, or dumb? (I go with dumb.) “No way do I want […]

It looks very much like Setanta is about to go under. The company is no longer taking customer subscriptions, and this week BSkyB refused a £50m lifeline payment to the Irish TV operator, which owes more than £30m to the Premier League. Setanta is still broadcasting, but for how much longer? It would be a […]

Andorra? Andorra… that’s in Africa, right? Like everyone in America, I know very little about Andorra. I do know that they are playing England tonight at Wembley (Btw, if you have a ticket and live in London, good luck figuring out how to outsmart those pesky Tube strikers – the turnstiles will now open earlier, […]

In the last couple of weeks, Arsenal and Aston Villa fans have voted to keep Cesc Fabregas and Ashley Young respectively. Fine choices both. Today, it’s the turn of Chelsea. If you had to sell all but one of Chelsea’s players (to build an entirely new squad, say) who’d be your last man standing, and […]

This Albanian peasant – let’s call him Geoff – was born with a rare genetic disorder. Geoff’s illness means he can’t walk anywhere without continuously performing keepy-ups. It’s a curse, although on the plus side, Geoff is clearly good enough to play in the Scottish Premier League.

The incredibly good-looking Kaka used to have such fun with his buddies at the San Siro. Good work, but not as good as the brilliant Arsenal version.

Arthur Lemarcus Banks III (aka Marcus Banks) plays basketball in the NBA for Toronto Raptors. He does indeed look a bit like Billy Gallas. That is all. Thanks to Pies reader Ben for sending in this SL. Good spot, sir. Think you can do better than Ben? Email Pies with your unlikely lookalikes.

Much consternation in Manchester with the YouTube release of a video shot at the Spirit of Shankly’s end-of-season party, showing people chanting “Munich!” during a singer’s live performance. Spirit of Shankly (formerly Sons of Shankly) is the self-appointed official supporters’ union of Liverpool FC. Self-righteous, much? As I wrote in my column for, it’s […]

Anthony Van Loo was diagnosed with a heart condition in June 2008 but allowed by doctors and Uefa to resume his playing career, on the condition that he have a defibrilator implanted in his chest. Thankfully, when the young Roeselare defender had a real heart attack during a Belgian league match against Royal Antwerp this […]

1. Mohamed Aboutrika At the 2008 African Cup of Nations, the Egyptian midfielder lifted his shirt after scoring against Sudan to reveal a T-shirt bearing the message “Sympathy with Gaza”. He was given a yellow card for breaking FIFA’s rule against displaying political slogans during play, but received no further punishment for his political statement.