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Who ate all the pies

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Everton’s big hair bear won’t cut his locks Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain As the photo on the right shows, Marouane Fellaini didn’t always have enormous hair - and look how much happier he looks with a big-ass Afro! Fellaini’s hair has become […]

Hiddink’s Got Talent As Dutch rebel Guus Hiddink smoked a cigar in Wembley’s hallowed dressing room, he performed an awesome victory dance with his players and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich. “There was South American, eastern European and African dancing going on,” said Guus, who is a man of many talents. “All the players and staff […]

Departing Chelsea boss falls victim to British bureaucracy A very bad artist’s impression of Guss Hiddink smoking a tab Super Guus could receive a fine for lighting up a celebratory cigar at Wembley, after Chelsea’s 2-1 win against Everton in Saturday’s FA Cup Final. The Dutchman was caught on camera with said stogie as he […]

What’s the German for swollen nutsack? So, congrats to Herr Ballack, who came off the bench to help Chelsea to victory in the FA Cup Final. Some good luck at last for the German.

Blue is the colour at Wembley today What it looks like to face Chelsea I’m not expecting much entertainment from today’s FA Cup Final, the 128th in the competition’s history (stat fans) - and the sun is shining madly in London, so I probably won’t even watch it live (it’s been a manic week of football […]

Either that, or Ronaldinho’s really let himself go Don’t worry, Milan fans: your club’s transfer policy has not taken a turn for the worse. The tubby chap in the jeans represents Milan’s “12th Man”, as part of the adidas campaign to launch Milan’s new home kit – which, I think, looks a bit strange with […]

Ronaldo and Tevez to strop out of Old Trafford? 1. Cristiano Ronaldo is sulking. He slammed Alex Ferguson’s tactics for Wednesday’s Champions League final, saying: “Ferguson did not tell me anything. Nothing. I didn’t realise I was to play as a striker.” [@ The Sun] 2. …Which all means C-Ron’s definitely off to Real Madrid […]

It wasn’t a vintage season, but there were enough memorable moments for it to qualify as an entertaining season. Here, in no particular order, Pies lists its highlights Phil Brown’s public team talk Trailing 4-0 at half-time against Man City, a disgusted Tan Man decided to upbraid his useless players out on the pitch. It’s […]

Ah, gotta love the rivalry between Man Yoo and the Bin-dippers, especially when it comes up with priceless comedy like this… United fans who want to ease the pain of Wednesday’s CL defeat may like to know that they can buy a t-shirt with this design, @ TShirtsUnited

Villa unveil pinstriped away kit. Eees nice This is Aston Villa’s new away shirt for the 2009/10 season. As you can see, it’s made by Nike, it’s very stripey (though the stripes are subtle) and I think it looks rather smart. I much prefer it to other Swooshy designs I’ve seen for next season (Arsenal’s […]

Rangers striker mocks Celtic rival, repeatedly Nacho Novo, Rangers’ diminutive Spanish striker, is clearly a bit mad. And it seems he can’t stop having a pop at Giorgos Samaras, Celtic’s Greek forward. It’s classic schoolyard stuff, along the lines of “We won the league, you didn’t… na-nah-na-nah-na! In the above video, Nacho breaks out the […]

Did I say brave? I meant foolish This is a recreation of how angry Fergie must have looked when a brave/foolish reporter dared to question his ambition, in the postmortem of Manchester United’s 2-0 defeat by Barcelona in the Champions League final. Just look at his big red face, and guess how many wasps he’s […]

All of Fergie’s team were below-par in Rome. But who was United’s biggest disappointment? Who was Man Yoo’s worst player against Barcelona?(online poll)

More gay innuendo than you can shake a stick at… Sample quotes: “He’s not frightened to go in where it hurts.” “He’s gonna come inside.” Genius. And notice the prominence of football’s most orgasmic commentator, Jonathan Pearce.

MAN UTD REACTION “Barcelona are a brilliant team and in my opinion Andres Iniesta is the best player in the world, he’s incredible.” Wayne Rooney “In our best performances this season we have defended very well, but the defending was shoddy.” Alex Ferguson “You have to give credit to a very good Barcelona team. If […]

See again where it all went wrong for United Relive the magic of Xavi & Iniesta, the petulance of C-Ron, the play-acting of Puyol, the dulcit tones of Tyldesley and Pleaty. It’s all there. Actually, on second viewing, the match was short on genuine highlights. Got to love Messi’s header though, especially in light of […]

Who’s hot, who’s not HOT Xavi and Iniesta The best midfield partnership on the planet. And the greatest of these is Iniesta (last night anyway). Pep Guardiola Won the treble in his first season. If Carlsberg did a football team, it would be Barcelona. Carles Puyol Was written off, but played a blinder. Shame about […]

Protectors of the beautiful game win third European title 1. Dream final? Yep, it made me sleepy, so in that respect it lived up to its billing. But after so much hype, this was a big fat anti-climax – as a spectacle, I mean. Even taking into account the depth of modern squads, both clubs […]

Such a beautiful horizon… Well, we’re all tremendously excited about this, I can tell. I can’t remember this much hype before a football match since England last got knocked out of the World Cup. I suppose the hype is warranted. Not since Milan tonked Barca 4-0 in 1994 have we been treated to a Champions […]

The egos have landed Cristiano Ronaldo (Man Utd) Scored a stunning goal in open play against Porto in United’s CL quarter final, then followed it up with a ridonkulous free-kick in United’s semi final, second leg at Arsenal (watch both goals here). Who knows what C-Ron has planned for the final, but I think it’s […]

Getting down to the business end of the Champions League finalists Wayne Rooney (Man Utd) Who knew Rooney would turn out to be a world-class left winger? But that’s what he’s become, even if it’s not the first position he’d choose to play. Rooney’s successful conversion – even if it’s temporary – is testament to […]

Hmm, I can guess which way this will go… Park Ji-Sung (Man Utd) Left out of the squad for last year’s final, but Fergie has promised him a role in Rome. He’ll probably start, and on the right (then why do I get the nagging feeling that Fergie will thrown a curveball and start instead […]

Giggsy has his work cut out here Ryan Giggs (Man Utd) Giggsy is very well respected in Europe, I’d say more so than any British player of the last 15 years. He’s now coming to the end of his illustrious career, but he’s still worth his place in United’s starting line-up (just). I doubt he’ll […]

Cheeky boy Remember Lee Sharpe? Before Ryan Giggs burst on the scene, Sharpe was United’s poster boy. He was a fine player, but his main problem was a) he liked to party, and b) he just wasn’t as good as Giggs. In the end, he’ll be remembered as just another Englishman who didn’t fulfil his […]

Vote on this crucial midfield battle Anderson (Man Utd) It would be unfair to call Anderson a headless chicken – he is a more intelligent player than that - but he does have a tendency to run around like a man who left his brain in the changing room. That could be a good or bad […]