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Who ate all the pies

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People often bemoan the lack of genuine hardmen in football today, but to be fair to modern players, every time they play there are 25 cameras following their every move. Plus football has become, if not a non-contact sport, then very much weighted towards the attackers. Small wonder that villains like Ron “Chopper” Harris, Tommy […]

Ah, so now we know why Jozy Altidore is in England. This just in from Jozy’s Twitter feed: So much for being discreet! Hull City’s first Premier League match this season is at Chelsea on 15 August. Therefore I conclude that Altidore is about to announce a move to the Tigers. (Chelsea play Man Utd […]

An anxious-looking Xabi Alonso gives the thumbs-up, reluctantly, during the traditional “medical ritual” that Real Madrid puts its new players through. It’s like a sort of hazing. Perhaps Xabi was worried that the doctor would discover his ginger pubes? [@ Off the Post] MORE XABI How much is Rafa Benitez to blame for the departure […]

Jozy Altidore is in England. How do we know? He’s said as much on his Twitter profile: What does this mean? Putting 2+2 together, it obviously means that he’s in England because he’s set for a move from Villarreal to the Premier League. Clubs who might sign the young American: Hull City, Everton, Fulham, Burnley. […]

1. Barcelona to make £12m bid for Jonny Evans? Nah, can’t see it. [@ Football Corner] 2. Who Ate All the Pies ranks second in the bloggers’ league! Does that mean we qualify for the bloggers’ Champions League? [@ Twofootedtackle] 3. Freddie Ljungberg’s migraine: “I couldn’t see my boots.” [@ Sounders FC blog] 4. Sir […]

Nice profile piece on Deuce. I love this guy’s laidback drawl… MORE DEUCE Top 10 footballers who rap

So who’s the Chelsea player with the ball for a head? (Click image to enlarge) Leave a comment with your answer. Monday’s answer: Steve Stone David Allison not only knew that it was Steve Stone, but even named the correct match. Sterling work, David. Shout-outs to Oller and MattyDub for also getting it right.

I was trawling through Press Association’s photo archive and came across these amazing pics of a couple of young footballers who were clearly very much in love… Heart-meltingly beautiful. MORE FOOTBALL LOVE STORIES John Terry and Frank Lampard: a football love story, in photos Cristiano Ronaldo and Ole-Gunnar Solskjaer Christian Vieri and Paolo Maldini Xabi […]

In which professional geezer/West Ham fan/shit actor/twat Danny Dyer takes one in the “north and sarf” (mouth): “That’s a powerful tool, that…” You are, Danny. You are. Most enjoyable.

This is where you get to pick Tottenham’s best starting line-up for this season. First up, I’l dazzle you (ahem) with my selection (based on Spurs’ squad at time of writing)… My XI, played in a fairly standard 4-4-2 formation: Huerelho Gomes Vedran Corluka, Jonathan Woodgate, Ledley King, Benoit Assou-Ekotto Aaron Lennon, Wilson Palacios, Jermaine […]

Shaq has been calling out Becks on Twitter. On July 29, the LA Lakers star Tweeted: “Its official, today is david beckham is scared of shaq, day, he should b scared, he can never score a goal on me,” Nice grammar there Shaq. Now Shaq has challenged Beckham, in a video captured by gossip website […]

Yes, lots of Xabi posts today, but like so many fans, Pies always had a bit of a man crush on him… The reasons to miss Xabi keep on coming… In this vid he comes across as, well, just a top bloke. And he’s not so immodest that he won’t admit that he’s one of […]

The beginning of the end for Xabi Alonso at Liverpool occurred a couple of seasons ago, when Xabi Alonso decided – quite rightly, in my view – to miss a Champions League match to attend the birth of his first child. That was the moment when relations between Rafa Benitez and Xabi soured, and the […]

Liverpool fans, I feel your pain. To mark the sad passing of Senor Xabi (more on which later today), Pies offers up a gallery of some of his finest moments in a Liverpool shirt. Click the image below to see the photos (right-click to enlarge - you know, in case any of you wants a commemorative […]

Proof that Aston Villa’s new signing looks suspiciously like one of Villa’s former players. As spotted by… me. Go me. Got a lookalike for the Pies? Email me with your shout.

Congratulations to Richard Wilkinson of Waterlooville, who wins a hardback copy of Grant Wahl’s “The Beckham Experiment”. Richard was the only Pies reader to correctly identify all three Man Utd players: 1. Paul Scholes 2. Teddy Sheringham 3. Clayton Blackmore Quite a few of you got two out of three. For example, regular Baller David […]

Joleon Lescott wants to leave Everton. Their new home kit has been cited as a key factor Seriously though, can you really blame Lescott for being tempted by a contract that is at least twice as fat as the one he’s currently picking up? Of course not. After all, he left Wolves before to go […]

“And this is where I keep my gold-plated pen, for signing new players. It doesn’t write in ink, it uses oil.” Mark Hughes has asked Diego Maradona to omit Carlos Tevez from Argentina’s squad to play Russia in next Wednesday’s international friendly. “We don’t think Carlos should play for his international team and we’d prefer […]

That is one impressive Plymothian accent by Mr Whitehouse. And I should know – I grew up in Plymouth. (It’s a bit of a shithole, tbh – very high proportion of chavs.) What’s a Janner, you ask? I refer you to the Urban Dictionary: A word often misused to describe a Plymouth resident or a […]

In order of preference: Nemanja Vidic (Man Utd) Man Utd may struggle to replace C-Ron’s goals but they should still be very mean at the back, thanks to the tried and trusted Vidic/Ferdinand axis. Vidic is the most expensive defender in most fantasy leagues, but with good reason: he’s a rock at the back and […]

Worst-case scenario: Liverpool lose both Xabi Alonso and Javier Mascherano this summer. Best-case scenario: Alonso and Maschy stay, obviously. But, Liverpool fans, if you could lose just one of the pair (and I know that it’s more likely to be Alonso), who would you let go? Let’s look at the evidence: Mascherano, 25, is a […]

Did Louis lose a pre-season bet? Or did he mean to dye his hair blonde and get the wrong colour? Or perhaps he’s trying to look like even more of a dick in a box than team-mate Marouane Fellaini? Whatever, this look is a tonsorial FAIL.

1. Why the Hillsborough disaster still matters. [@ Dan Loney Says It All] 2. Carlo Ancelotti is inspired by cheese. [@ At the Far Post] 3. C-Ron ignores crazy stalker ex-WAG. [@ Kickette]

City’s new away kit: … versus United’s new away kit: Gotta say this is a comprehensive victory for City’s new away kit. Very classy, especially the grandad collar. United’s, however, looks exactly like what it is: an unimaginative Nike template. Yawn. Which one gets your vote? Man City’s away kit v Man Utd’s away kit: […]

Think you know who this is? (Click image to enlarge) Leave a comment with your shout… Fridays answer: Jamie Redknapp Congrats to Sheldon, who was the first to identify the baller correctly as old Spice Boy Jamie Redknapp. Props also go to Mike P, Komutan and 6L4D3, who said Redknapp too.