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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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This is bollocks. Can I go back to the home now? Let us never forget that the only reason Fergie signed Cristiano Ronaldo was because his players told him to. So I wonder if actually Fergie is – at last - out of touch with football reality? Football reality says Michael Owen is slow and always […]

You know how hard it is to PhotoShop Crouchy’s head onto stuff? Harder than you’d think – he has a strange-shaped head (and a strange-shaped body, for that matter) This can’t be right. Owen to Man Yoo and now a rumour saying Crouchinho is a target for Milan. Has planet football gone bat-shit crazy overnight? […]

In which Moss FK midfielder Lars Øvrebø goes straight to the top of any list marked ‘Own goals you wish you’d scored at the other end.’ I also enjoyed the woefully contrived build-up play of HamKam’s No.22, Roman Kienast. He looks like a lumbering, shitter version of any Prem right winger. I understand he’s currently […]

My name is Michael Owen. I am aspirational, charismatic and fully fit, I promise. It’s great to be back in red, representing a world-class brand I know Fergie is a pensioner, but what the dickens is he doing rummaging around in the charity-shop cassette basket? Michael Owen is wanted by Hull and Stoke; the champions […]

Landycakes has stood up to be counted. In an explosive quote from Grant Wahl’s new book, ‘The Beckham Experiment’, the US midfielder reveals a shocking level of emnity and resentment towards Golden Balls. Get a load of this: “All that we care about at a minimum is that he [Beckham] committed himself to us. As […]

50,000 fascists fans turned up at the Bernabeu to say hi to Kaka. Imagine how many will turn up to welcome C-Ron.

The terrible rumour that Villa fans awoke to this morning claimed that Martin O’Neill is about to sign Titus Bramble. Reports in today’s Daily Star say that O’Neill will offer Wigan Athletic around £3.5m, plus teenage midfielder Barry Bannan for the much-maligned centre-back. As you might expect, plenty of Villa fans are not best pleased […]

A very enjoyable interview with Crouchinho, in which he reveals all sorts of stuff, including a passion for steak, Kerry Dixon and Kings of Leon. He also lifts the lid on his favourite swear word. Pies’ favourite English footballer? Crouchy, no doubt. [@ Channelbee]

Did Arsenal get Arshavin to replicate his famous goal celebration for a photo shoot for the Gunners’ new third kit, or is this just a very good bit of Photoshopping? Either way, Arsenal’s new third kit is rather smart, even if some Gooners have complained that it looks a bit too much like Tottenham’s classic […]

Carla Suarez Navarro of is Spain’s hottest female tennis talent. Samir Nasri… well, you know exactly who he is. Now this is what I call a first-class Shit Lookalike. They don’t really look much like each other, but at the same time I see exactly what Paul Beatty (the reader who suggested it) means. Good […]

On Twitter, the Houston Dynamo striker styles himself as “an active guy who loves to surf and who plays soccer for a living. Can’t complain.” The Chingster’s positive attitude makes a refreshing change from many Prem stars, who don’t seem to know they’re born. Plus he Tweets regularly, on all manner of subjects. Sample Tweets […]

Most football managers are control freaks, of course, but I couldn’t help but smile at a recent quote by Fernando Torres on his obsessive manager: “Rafa concentrates on the professional side of things. He tries to improve every minor detail and movement you carry out during the course of a game, and he also explains […]

Don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry From today’s Current Bun: “A girl suffered cuts on her arms when soccer ace Cristiano Ronaldo kicked in a car window, it emerged last night. The Portuguese star faces a police quiz over the injuries to Sara Pardal, 17. “Ronaldo, 24, allegedly flipped in […]

That’s quite a tackle. I call it the ‘Chuck Norris double-leg sleeper’. Lethal when done correctly.

Valencia is a good player with pace, skill and, crucially, solid Premier League experience at Wigan. And at 23, he’s younger than Cristiano Ronaldo, the man who he replaces – not directly - at United. But will Valencia turn out to be a Kanchelskis or a Kleberson? Check out some video evidence and vote after the […]

… According to Spanish rag Marca, anyway - but then Marca is the mouthpiece of Real Madrid, so it’s pretty much what you’d expect to hear. But I have to say Marca sounds very confident that the deal is already done (for around €35m), and also that it will be announced in the next 24 hours. […]

£18m! Really? What the what?! (Yes, I am a bit late to this.) I guess Mark Hughes has a major man-crush on Santa Cruz, then, otherwise he’d have wised up to the fact that the striker is worth … ooooh … let’s say more like £6m. Great deal for Blackburn, this. Don’t you think Peter […]

She’s not worth it, son From the Beeb: “Cristiano Ronaldo has completed his world record £80m move from Manchester United to Real Madrid after agreeing a six-year deal. “United, who accepted Real’s offer for the winger on 11 June, have confirmed the move has been finalised and he will be presented to the fans on […]

Mere seconds after I had posted about Hull City’s retro new kit, a lightbulb went on over my head: Jimmy Bullard’s pose is spookily similar to that struck by Queen’s Roger Taylor for the band’s groundbreaking video for ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’. So thanks to me. I’m amazing. Also: Bullard v Boni Got a lookalike for Pies? […]

No doubt many Hull fans will prefer the thick stripes of last year’s home kit, but their new pinstriped home shirt - modelled here by Geovanni – takes me back to the mid-1980s, before the days of the Premiership and Sky Sports. It’s a happy place that smells of pies and Bovril. The away kit - modelled […]

Everyone knows how difficult it is to produce a convincing movie about football; look at the Goal! 3 trailer for evidence. But Rudo y Cursi, a new film set in Mexico, gets it right - by concentrating on the characters and not the action on the pitch. The movie is a charming comedy about two brothers […]

Sorry I didn’t get around to writing this up sooner, but as I mentioned a couple of days ago, Pies is currently undergoing a redesign, and so our resources have been directed elsewhere. Stick with us and I promise we’ll deliver a better Pies for all mankind. Anyway, this was a cracking final to finish […]

Probably the most bullshit-flavoured transfer talk I’ve seen The Sun trot out so far this summer. Arshavin’s quote - if he even said it – carries about as much weight as me saying “I would quite like to sleep with Adriana Lima one day… she’s very attractive.” [Image and more quality ranting @ Arseblog]

I’m in two minds about the very real possibility of the US of A becoming a major force in world football in the next decade. This summer’s Confed Cup has shown that America has the potential to compete with the likes of Brazil and Spain, and although I still think they have no chance to […]

Chad Marshall is a defender for Columbus Crew. John C Reilly is a character actor - you might recognise him from his fine work in such movies as Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Step Brothers, The Gangs of New York, Hard Eight, Talladega Nights and Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. Thanks to Harrington Weihl for the tip. […]