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Who ate all the pies

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El Nino exposed as arse groper

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Will Guus Hiddink guide the Russians to glory? RUSSIA (Group D) Group mates Spain (10 June, Innsbruck), Greece (14 June, Salzburg), Sweden (18 June, Innsbruck) Three most valuable players 1) Igor Akinfeev Brilliant young goalie, with a nice line in saving penalties. 2) Andrei Arshavin Twinkle-toed playmaker, so important to his country’s hopes that he […]

Will Zlatan and his blond team-mates have more fun at the Euros? SWEDEN (Group D) Group mates Greece (10 June, Salzburg), Spain (14 June, Innsbruck), Russia (18 June, Innsbruck) Three most valuable players 1) Zlatan Ibrahimovic Hugely talented, but mentally fragile – you never know if you’re going to see Amazing Zlatan or Amazingly Crap […]

Euro links for your enjoyment C-Ron voted the hottest player involved in Euro 2008, according to poll of 12,000 women (he hasn’t slept with them all). [MSN Sport] Dutch striker Ruud van Nistelrooy’s opening goal in the win over Italy was legitimate, says Premier League referees’ chief Keith Hackett. So there. [BBC] And some non-Euro […]

Please don’t underachieve again SPAIN (Group D) Group mates Russia (10 June, Innsbruck), Sweden (14 June, Innsbruck), Greece (18 June, Salzburg) Three most valuable players 1) Iker Casillas Probably the best goalkeeper in the world, and with a suspect defence in front of him, his brilliant shot-stopping skills will be needed. 2) Fernando Torres Yet […]

Not a good look for the Italian midfield terrier There’s nothing like a girly headband for diminishing a player’s hardman status.

Video highlights of both of yesterday’s games. Catch ‘em quick before YouTube pulls them down… Holland make it look easy against the world champs: France vs Romania below…

Can the defending champions shock Europe again? GREECE (Group D) Group mates Sweden (10 June, Salzburg), Russia (14 June, Salzburg), Spain (18 June, Salzburg) Three most valuable players 1) Giorgos Karagounis Proved his immense worth to Greece at Euro 2004 – he’s a clever, dynamic, tenacious midfielder, although at 31, he’s less dynamic these days. […]


1. The best game of the tournament so far, and the perfect tonic to the snoozefest that was France-Romania. Exciting action from start to finish, attacking football and excellent passing on display.


1. Zzzzzzz. What a load of rubbish. By far the most boring match of the tournament so far.

As far as we are aware, this is the only official Euro 2008 song performed by the coach of the country in question’s thrash metal band. It is of course Croatia’s Slaven Bilic and his band Rawbau with their own unique brand of rock music and red-and-white chequerboard patriotism.

Another sad story of in-fighting and underachievement? HOLLAND (Group C) Group mates Italy (9 June, Bern), France (13 June, Bern), Romania (17 June, Bern) Three most valuable players 1) Edwin van der Sar Vastly experienced and cool of head, unlike many of his young team-mates. 2) Rafael van der Vaart I was going to name […]

Basketball hero forced to like Chelsea Garnett is on course to help the Boston Celtics defeat the evil L.A. Lakers and win this season’s NBA finals. In between shooting hoops though, he found the time to pick up a personalised Chelsea shirt, free of charge. “Y’all made my day…this is huge” Kev, you’re such a […]

The world’s best player (two years ago) to link up with Darius Vassell? My mind is boggling If Ronaldinho ends up at Eastlands, it will be the biggest transfer coup in Premier League history, perhaps in the whole history of football. That’s not to say that Man City are a small club, but if you […]

In which a Polish lad betrays his former homeland Two goals – the second was a cracking strike – by Polish-born Lukas Podolski gave the Germans the ideal start to Euro 2008. Before the tournament began, I tipped him to win the Golden Shoe, but of course I didn’t act on my own advice. D’oh. […]

The name says Pig farmer, but the hair says skunk-a-like

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Will they find the Group of Death just a bit too scary? ROMANIA (Group C) Group mates Don’t ask… but if you must know: France (9 June, Zurich), Italy (13 June, Zurich), Netherlands (17 June, Bern). Ouch. Three most valuable players 1) Adrian Mutu (pictured, above) The controversy-courting striker has matured greatly since he left […]

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It’s time to go Beenhak To The Future, Pies fans, for Poland’s Dutch coach Leo Beenhakker is Christopher Lloyd’s Shit Lookalike twin. Just call him Doc Leo. The only question is can he go back in time and make his players defend a bit deeper in last night’s match against Germany?

Not a good night Vienna, but it could have been worse


1. It is not a good idea to give away a stupid penalty three minutes into your opening game as hosts of a tournament.
2. So much for whipping boys. Aside from the first half-hour, the hosts were the better team.
3. Croatia’s pony-tailed physio looks like he would be better suited to a career as a roadie to Slaven Bilic’s band Rawbau. Maybe he is.


Austria didn’t qualify for the 2002 World Cup, which meant Ronald Gercaliu wouldn’t have got his chance to show off his mohican when everyone else was doing it (overlooking the fact that he was still at school in 2002!). So while Becks and co. have moved on, young Ronald wasn’t going to let his time in a major international tournament pass without showing off his own daft hairdo. He has also dyed his longer strip of hair strawberry blond for good measure.

He’s a goalkeeper, Jim, but not as we know it


1. What a well worked goal from the centre-back Pepe. He was a more impressive attacking threat than Nuno Gomes.
2. Portugal thoroughly deserved their win having hit the woodwork three times. It could have been four or five goals.
3. David Pleat is obsessed with threesomes. In the first half, he said: “It’s a threesome in midfield.” In the second half: “Turkey converted to a threesome up front.”


1. What a damp squib to get the tournament underway. I felt as disinterested as the Swiss crowd until the Czechs broke the deadlock.
2. Poor old Alexander Frei. He cried his little eyes out (shades of Gazza). The Swiss skipper must know his tournament is over.
3. You would have expected the Swiss supporters to have been a bit more vocal and a bit more excited about the prospect of opening a major international tournament on homesoil. Then again the players were not much better.

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Ahoy there, ye land lubbers. The Czech Republic’s buccaneering defender is a bit of a lookalike for Johnny Depp’s Pirates of the Caribbean character.

Can the World Cup holders follow up with a Euro win? ITALY (Group C) Group mates Netherlands (9 June, Bern), Romania (13 June, Zurich), France (17 June, Zurich) Three most valuable players 1) Luca Toni On fire for Bayern this season, and expected to lead the line for Italy at Euro 2008. 2) Gianluigi Buffon […]

Pies’ headline of the day! Leo Beenhakker, the Dutch coach of Poland’s national team, apologised yesterday after a Polish tabloid newspaper, Super Express, published a mocked-up image of him holding the severed heads of Michael Ballack and German coach Joachim Low, along with a headline demanding the slaughter of Germany at Euro 2008: “Leo, give […]