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Who ate all the pies

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The incredibly good-looking Kaka used to have such fun with his buddies at the San Siro. Good work, but not as good as the brilliant Arsenal version.

Arthur Lemarcus Banks III (aka Marcus Banks) plays basketball in the NBA for Toronto Raptors. He does indeed look a bit like Billy Gallas. That is all. Thanks to Pies reader Ben for sending in this SL. Good spot, sir. Think you can do better than Ben? Email Pies with your unlikely lookalikes.

Much consternation in Manchester with the YouTube release of a video shot at the Spirit of Shankly’s end-of-season party, showing people chanting “Munich!” during a singer’s live performance. Spirit of Shankly (formerly Sons of Shankly) is the self-appointed official supporters’ union of Liverpool FC. Self-righteous, much? As I wrote in my column for, it’s […]

Anthony Van Loo was diagnosed with a heart condition in June 2008 but allowed by doctors and Uefa to resume his playing career, on the condition that he have a defibrilator implanted in his chest. Thankfully, when the young Roeselare defender had a real heart attack during a Belgian league match against Royal Antwerp this […]

1. Mohamed Aboutrika At the 2008 African Cup of Nations, the Egyptian midfielder lifted his shirt after scoring against Sudan to reveal a T-shirt bearing the message “Sympathy with Gaza”. He was given a yellow card for breaking FIFA’s rule against displaying political slogans during play, but received no further punishment for his political statement.

The clean-living Cliff Richard of Brazilian football vs the clean-living pin-up boy of English cricket. I can hardly tell them apart.

Kaka only joined Madrid because Becks told him how nice it was in Spain. Lovely tapas, pretty ladies etc. Or, Kaka only joined Madrid to help fund Silvio Berlusconi’s dubious lavish lifestyle. That’s big of him.

It’s official. Kaka has signed for Real Madrid. Everyone’s a bwinner baby. The Brazilian cost Real a cool £56m, the most expensive single transfer in football history. It beats the £47m Real paid for Zinedine Zidane in 2001. The transfer went through quickly, which seems to be the way clubs are doing business this summer. […]

Answer: no it couldn’t. I’m all for simple kits, and though this new Umbro shirt is simple, it looks horribly cheap and flimsy. And the shirt sponsor, which sticks out like Gareth Southgate’s nose, looks like it’s been ironed on. Not good. Agree, disagree? Leave a comment or vote after the jump (and see a […]

Something to make you smile on a grey Monday afternoon (unless you live outside the UK, in which case it might not be grey or even Monday!) Jeff Stelling, you are a God. Chris Kamara, you are a legend. Paul Merson, you are a buffoon, but in the best possible way. At least there are […]

I was sure this wasn’t going to be quite this shit, but actually, it is pretty shit. In my head, Desperate Dan has a gap in his teeth, like Carson. Not in reality though. Still, the facial hair is a pretty good match.

Yep, they all belong to Jesus, and no, I won’t make a joke about crosses. This is the Clericus Cup, an annual football tournament competed for by teams of Catholic priests and seminary students. It began as recently as 2007. This year’s event, which took place in Rome, wrapped up at the end of May. […]

1. Victoria Beckham forgets to apply her make-up, and other embarrassing celebrity moments. [@ Holy Taco] 2. Top 10 Premier League players to drop into conversation as fictional swear words. [@ Off the Post] 3. C-Ron is Miss World 2010. [@ Dirty Tackle] 4. MLS goals of the week. [@ 101GreatGoals]

Last week, Gooners voted to keep Cesc Fabregas at Arsenal, with Andrey Arshavin in second. Fabregas and Arshavin accounted for more than 70% of the vote, so it seems fairly clear which players mean the most to the club’s fans. Now we have the same question for Villa fans: if you had to sell all […]

This post may contain men in pants… 1. George Best’s Boutique The fifth Beatle lived up to his nickname. Best dressed like a pop star and was one of the first high-profile players to open his own fashion boutique. He was one of the most fashion-conscious footballers of his era, even if he did admit […]

Merseyside Police were called to the Hillsborough memorial garden in Port Sunlight, Liverpool, early this morning to investigate reports of vandalism. They arrived to find paving slabs lifted up and stone balustrades knocked down and smashed. I doubt the “youths” (it’s always youths, isn’t it) who committed this unbelivably crass act will ever be caught, […]

Well that was tough. Job done by England but the match won’t live long in the memory. Neat, acrobatic finish by Wazza Rooney for England’s third, and, um… er, not a lot else to mention - a 4-0 win away from home in Europe is a great result, but this Kazakh team is absolutely useless; Championship […]

It required a mighty effort on my part not to illustrate this preview of England’s game in Kazakhstan with a picture of Borat, as so many other websites have done. Instead, I chose to use a photo of the Kazakhstan national team, because I think it’s disrespectful to suggest that Borat is the only thing […]

C-Ron has another award to add to his bulging pants. Did I say pants? I meant mantlepiece – it’s easy to get the two confused. Gay Times, a British magazine read by precisely no Premier League footballers (that we know of), has announced the winner of its “Sexiest Man Alive” poll. The winner, as the […]

Fantastico drible? No. If Fat-Ron tried that anywhere in Europe, he’d be laughed at, then tackled. Some Brazilian defenders are still in awe of him, which is understandable and cute. But it does make it hard to take the Brazilian league seriously. [@ The Spoiler]

Pies needs you! To support England’s 2018 World Cup bid, I want to hear your all-time World Cup XIs (in a 4-4-2 formation). John Barnes, who is one of the ambassadors for the bid, has chosen his all-time World Cup XI – all you have to do is guess which players he chose. The reader […]

Simon Cowell’s new boy band intimidated Westlife Sergio Tacchini, Adidas, Fila, Ellesse, Diadora… brand names to bring tears of nostalgia to the eyes of football casuals in the Eighties. (A lot of hooligans were also casuals, but it’s worth pointing out that many casuals had no interest at all in “top boys” and their firms.) […]

Landycakes is not happy. Tim Howard is not happy. Carlos Bocanegra is… you get the message. Bonus fact! Landon Donovan’s voice is being used by the US military as a new form of smart weapon: a 20-second clip of Landycakes speaking is enough to put even the most alert of enemies into a deep coma […]

After Kath’s not-shit-at-all lookalike last time up, I thought we needed to return to a genuinely shit entry. And here it is. Think you can do better (I’m sure you can). Email Pies with your suggestion

This is how the Fair Play table looked at the end of the 08/09 season (click to enlarge). It’s judged on the following criteria: R/Y = Red/Yellow cards (three pts for a red, one for a yellow), max. of 10 pts per match P/P = Positive Play, max. 10 pts per match R/O = Respect […]