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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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1. Juande Ramos’ monopoly on the UEFA Cup is finally over, but only just. The Spurs manager has won the competition for the last two years with former club Seville and it took a penalty shoot out to prevent a possible hat trick.
2. Dimitar Berbatov scored one of the best goals of his career with a stunning volley after 80mins that sent the game into extra time against all odds – will Spurs still be able to keep hold of him next season?

This least flattering of lookalikes comes courtesy of none other than Ian Wright who revealed on a radio show yesterday that Fulham’s inspiration, Jamie Bullard, was nicknamed ‘Mask’ when they played together at West Ham – cruel but true…

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The France squad for the European Championships this summer are coming to terms with the prospect of two weeks without Nintendo Wii after coach Raymond Domenech banned his players from playing the console during the tournament. Domenech reportedly played Wii – strictly in the interests of his players, you understand – and picked up a nasty little injury.

Stick with this video while it sets the scene for Scott Oakes to strut his stuff. Picking the ball up in his own half, Oakes runs and runs, and then he runs a bit more before unleashing a brilliant strike. A truly outstanding solo wonder goal.

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Four-goal Frank Lampard is getting a bit too big for his boots and Didier Drogba doesn’t like it one bit. What he needs is a good shove in the back to bring his Messiah-like celebrations to an abrupt end and leave him flat on his face (or at least flat on his belly with his face hanging dangerously close to the pitch).

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1 English side dominates against international opposition before losing on penalties. In the words of Morrissey: “Stop me if you think that you’ve. Heard this one before.” I have been talking Phil Jagielka up for an England call-up and it looks like his penalty-taking is already at the required level.

This hilarious video shows prankster Paolo Calabresi conning Real Madrid officials that he deserves VIP treatment when he attends the Real-Roma Champions League tie because he is a Shit Lookalike for Nicholas Cage. This culminate in him being presented with a ‘Nicholas Cage 1′ Real Madrid shirt!

The Pies’ Premier League team of the season is shaping up quite nicely with readers voting for the ageless experience of Portsmouth’s David James in goal while Bacary Sagna’s seamless integration into the Arsenal team has made him your first choice right-back.
Now, we’re turning to the opposite defensive flank to find who has been the best left-back in the Premier League this season. As far as we can see the Big Four clubs have the best players sewn up in this position – although Pompey’s Herman Hreidarsson and West Ham’s George McCartney haven’t done badly and Gareth Bale impressed before injury. But who’s been the pick of the bunch?

You are England so you have to speak English.” No wonder Lassana Diarra couldn’t wait to quit Chelsea. Just look at this relentless bullying. Apparently Geremi is Diarra’s father!

Shirt manufacturers Pony are attempting to return to the lucrative football market with this viral spoof of Adidas’s Impossible Is Nothing adverts. They even brought in a David Beckham Shit Lookalike for the occasion.

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It would have been a great story: Inter Milan boss Roberto Mancini brings himself on as a substitute in a last-ditch attempt to score against Liverpool. Sadly this wasn’t a desperate man’s last throw of the dice but the Italian legend taking part in Inter’s centenary celebration friendly match a couple of days earlier.

It seems that every time Liverpool start to perform on the pitch, another problem arises off it to put them off their stride. The Reds have been embroiled in a takeover battle between their American owners and interested Arabs for most of the season – and the latest bout could threaten their Champions League hopes.

These crazy scenes come from Colombia and the Cali derby between Deportivo and America on Saturday. With Deportivo winning 1-0 a riot broke out in the stands. Police moved in prompting referee Wilmer Roldan to abandon the match on 82 minutes. Being the consummate professionals they are, the America players did the only thing the could and chased the referee off the pitch. Meanwhile, America coach Diego Umana was busy punching Cali boss Daniel Carreno. Around 60 fans had to be treated for injuries. And rumours today claim police are working on a theory that the full-scale riot was started by a jealous boyfriend angry that his girlfriend was flirting with another man!

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There has been no better time to be a Football League player given the number of Championship clubs through to the FA Cup semi-finals. Here is Pies run down on XI of the best players outside the Premier League.

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He may have scored 40 goals for his country but, as Don Fabio has already shown, reputations count for nothing under his new England regime – just ask Becks.
Owen only just made Capello’s first England squad but was snubbed against Switzerland with suggestions that he was only fourth in the strikers pecking order – and his Newcastle form hasn’t exactly strengthened a case for inclusion.
Will he make it back into Capello’s first team plans?

If you thought dodos were extinct, think again. Here is video evidence that they are not only alive and well, but also capable of scoring sweet volleys. This particular Dodo is a Fluminense player and he scored a wonder goal against Arsenal (no, not that Arsenal but Argentina’s Arsenal de Sarandi) this week. Full marks for technique and accuracy – there was no stopping this effort.

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The Horror Hair afro is back, folks! Emmanuel Adebayor was featured on Pies a couple of weeks ago, and now we are showcasing the beautifully burgeoning afro of Portsmouth’s Glen Johnson.

After this weekend’s giant killing exploits in the FA Cup, there will only be one top flight team (Portsmouth) in the semi-finals for the first time in a century – and it’s been 33 years since the final last lacked one of the big clubs from United, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs and even Everton.
While we all enjoyed the so-called ‘romance of the FA Cup’ dumping out the big teams, does it mean that the competition is now more important to the smaller clubs?

We’re continuing our search for the best players plying their trade in the Premier League this season – as chosen by Pies’ readers.
So far, 23% of you have slightly surprisingly named David James as the league’s best goalkeeper – and that was before Portsmouth put Man United out of the FA Cup. Now it’s time to turn our attention to the defence in front of him and first up is the right-back slot.

There are, it seems, numerous ways for football fans to channel the adrenaline generated by an FA Cup shock or two. For one pumped-up Barnsley fan, a YouTube montage in the style of a film trailer for 300 seemed like the most appropriate course of action. Enjoy.

One day Adidas has Lionel Messi stretching his leg behind him around giant sand-covered cones, and the next thing his hamstring is kaput. Coincidence? I think not…

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Sadly this photograph doesn’t quite do justice to Obafemi Martins’ gravity-defying new hairdo. The Newcastle United striker has developed some pretty impressive spikes that would risk puncturing the ball if the Magpies ever got any decent crosses into him!

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HEROES
Kayode Odejayi Oh, you thought he might be here, did you? Odejayi rose to head home Barnsley’s winner against Chelsea.

With only around ten games to go, it’s safe to say which players have been a success in the Premier League this season – so we’ve decided to assemble a team of the best performing players as chosen by ‘Pies readers.
We start in between the sticks with those eccentric loners who claim to be a different breed from their outfield teammates – the goalkeepers. They might not normally get the recognition they deserve but preventing a goal can be as important as scoring one at the other end.

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At the start of the season Pies presented its Silly Injuries XI celebrating the footballers who had managed to rule themselves out of contention for selection in bizarre circumstances. We can now add to that list Dundee’s Derek Lyle. The striker some how managed to fall through a glass table in his home which means he will miss his side’s Scottish Cup quarter-final against Queen of the South.