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Who ate all the pies

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This sketch from the Fox network’s MadTV sketch show is about American football, but the actors look like they would have made a formidable midfield pairing at their peak!

Unlike most people, we actually wait until the end of the season to do our ‘team of the season’. Makes sense, don’t you think? Anyhoo, here’s our selection for the best XI in 2005/06 (fitting neatly into a time-honoured 4-4-2 formation):
Reina.jpgGK: JOSE REINA (Liverpool)
Pepe still flaps at the odd cross like a giant baby bird, but we’ll forgive him the odd discretion (all keepers make mistakes, simple as that). Reina is still young for a keeper (just 24, although he looks more like 34) and improving all the time. He’s had a great season, behind a constantly changing back four, and the fact fans now take it for granted that Liverpool concede hardly any goals is a testimony to his effectiveness as a shot-stopper.
Honourable mention: David James (Portsmouth). A renaissance season for Jamo. Nothing calamitous about his form these days.

Arsenal.pngGoalkeeping: Jens is a talented pupil but he can be a disruptive influence on the class. I appreciate he has language barriers to overcome but he shouldn’t argue with the teacher so much – eight times in detention is not acceptable. Perhaps when Lukasz arrives next term he’ll calm down and stop being such a big confrontational German.
Defence: If William stopped talking in class for five fucking minutes, perhaps he could knuckle down and apply himself. And Emmanuel must learn to respect authority or he’ll never succeed in life.

Many congratulations to Cole, whose homage to Emile Butragueno wins our ‘design your own football t-shirt’ competition. The good people at Retro Football T-Shirts will make up Cole’s winning design (pictured) into a 100% unique t-shirt that he can wear proudly this summer. Nice one.

chuck_norris.gifBlackburn v Reading
Lawro: 2-0
Pies: 2-1
Actual: 3-3
Bolton v Aston Villa
Lawro: 1-1
Pies: 1-2
Actual: 2-2

sidwell221006_407x450.jpgSteve Coppell won’t confirm the identity of Sidwell’s new club yet, but it seems almost certain that the 24-year-old ginge has signed for Chelsea. Is he good enough to make it at the Bridge, or are we looking at Scott Parker Mk II, ie. a talented young English midfielder who will lose his way at a big club? You do have to wonder about the intelligence of a footballer who has his wedding vows tattooed on his back in massive letters.

A thousand thank-yous to Pies reader Scott, who emailed us this splendid shit lookalike – in case you don’t know, Robert Ri’chard (nice apostrophe placement Robert) is a 24-year-old American actor, who has appeared in lots of TV shows (CSI: Miami, Veronica Mars etc.) and the odd shit movie (House of Wax and Coach Carter to name just two). Patrice Evra has never appeared in any episodes of CSI, as far as we know.

Olliesmirk.JPGPlymouth manager Ian Holloway has branded his latest transfer deal an ‘absolute snippetydoing’. Ollie has splashed out £400,000 making Hungarian winger Peter Halmosi’s loan stint at Home Park a permanent move. He said: “Considering the rest of the league are paying all sorts of money for all sorts of people, I would have thought £400,000 would be an absolute snippetydoing.”

st_pauli_-_bayern_-_ballack-kahn.jpgGerman sex toy company Beate Uhse has been ordered to pay €50,000 in damages to Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn after selling vibrators named after them during last year’s World Cup in Germany.
The company sold World Cup special edition vibrators called ‘Michael B’ and ‘Olli K’ in three shops.

Robbie Fowler applauds the Anfield crowd after making his final appearance for the club, for Liverpool against Charlton (the game ended 2-2). The man known on the Kop as ‘God’ didn’t score but that didn’t stop fans giving him a standing ovation when he was substituted.

Just before Sam Allardyce makes him a Newcastle player, mouthy Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton has been Blue Moon-lighting in the Eurovision Song Contest.

This hilarious (until you know the outcome at least) video features a dog tackling Brentford keeper Chic Brodie. The footage comes from a match against Colchester in 1970. The black-and-white terrier seizes on Peter Gelson’s backpass and launches itself at Brodie, shattering his knee cap and ending his career in the process.

Clock%20Sign.jpgThe season is over (bar the FA Cup final, playoffs and Champions League final) but we’d like to reassure all readers that Pies will continue to post scurrilous transfer rumours, mildly amusing YouTube videos, shit lookalikes, hot WAG news and much much more throughout the summer – we’re not going anywhere, and we hope you don’t either. I’d like to offer a massive thanks to all our readers, who have helped Pies’ increasing success. We couldn’t have done it without you, so give yourselves a big pat on the back. Next season we may even challenge for Europe…

74138379.jpgWith the official presentation of the Premiership trophy taking place after the final whistle, this result left everyone inside Old Trafford happy. Man Utd didn’t play their strongest team, but they still dominated large parts of the match and should have at least managed a draw. West Ham’s goal led a charmed life though and in the final 20 minutes they looked quite comfortable, safe in the knowledge that Man U needed to score twice to threaten their Prem status. People slag off Lucas Neill as a mercenary, but I thought he was inspirational at the back. Nigel Reo-Coker also had a great game, with sterling support from Yossi Benayoun and Mark Noble in midfield.

No more glamour trips to Reading and Middlesbrough for the Blades next season, but at least you still have the love of Sean Bean, international superstar & hearthrob.

It’s a sad day for Yorkshire in general – how is it that the biggest county in England has no representation in football’s top flight?

Sheffield Utd manager Neil Warnock looks on in dismay as Wigan boss Paul Jewell celebrates the 2-1 win at Bramall Lane that kept his team in the Premiership. Warnock’s Blades were relegated, along with Watford and Charlton Athletic.
[Photo: Ross Kinnaird/Getty Images]

You could waste half your life on YouTube looking for football-related clips. Luckily, Pies is here to do it for you. Think once, think twice, think bike (ouch, that’s gotta hurt)…

Keep your eyes on the road Freddy.

Having come up trumps with the Dirk Kuyt/Hercules axis of blondeness, regular Pies reader Cole continues on a lookalike tip with this sterling effort – Phil Neville (left) and Lurch (right), the butler from the Addams Family, could be father and son.

Continuing on a Harry Enfield/Paul Whitehouse tip, here’s the funniest sketch Enfield ever did. Still makes me chuckle out loud…

Before Jose Arrogantio, there was Julio Geordio…

Burley.jpgThe Sun – who very kindly mentioned us in their paper today – reports that Southampton fan Matt Pearce is offering a month’s holiday in his beach-front home in Australia in return for tickets for his team’s play-off match against Derby.

premierleague.JPGOh, forget the Premier League! It’s over and done with. The Pies Fantasy League is where it’s at! As we head into the last round of fixtures. Tommy is playing the part of Man Utd and seems to have the league wrapped up, but Matt M is doing a better job than Chelsea in keeping it going to the wire.
Click here to see the latest league table.

Sir Bobby Charlton pulls back the drapes on the new statue of Sir Bobby Moore, situated outside the new Wembley Stadium. Outgoing PM Tony Blair was also in attendance. To see more pics from the statue’s unveiling, click below…
[Photo: Getty Images]

With the news that Robbie Fowler will not be offered a new contract at Liverpool at the end of the season, Pies has tracked down pictures of the veteran striker storming out of Anfield at a steady pace!