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Who ate all the pies

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Reportedly wantaway Tottenham striker Dimitar Berbatov can barely contain his indifference as he finds the net for Spurs in their 0-2 Uefa Cup win against Hapoel Tel Aviv.
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Photo Getty

A Benfica YouTuber has begun clutching at straws like Celtic midfielder Scott Brown was clutching at his leg after the horrendous tackle by Augustin Binya the other evening. In defence of Binya, this compilation of “hard tackles” by Celtic players has been put together.

Peter%20Crouch%20book.jpgPeter Crouch is the latest footballer to bring out a book. Crouchinho has brought out Walking Tall (oh, I see what he did there!) just in time to cash-in on the Christmas market. Perhaps including a huge sock as a complimentary Christmas stocking would improve sales. Anyway with most of these books you have to wait until the inside pages for the unintentional comedy gold. Not so with Walking Tall. How much slap is he wearing in the cover photo? He looks like Alan Hansen’s make-up artist has been let loose on him!

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Becks has made a comeback of Hollywood proportions to make it back into McClaren’s thoughts as he desperately tries to fulfill his dream of making it to a 100 England caps. But the irony is that he could come up one short.

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“We always said that Crouch was all legs!”

76592176.jpgEngland’s hopes of reaching next year’s European Championships are slim and none with practically our only hope pinned on Israel to get a result against Russia on Saturday.

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In the biggest game of the season so far, Serie A leaders Inter Milan shared the points with newly-promoted Juventus. Julio Cruz gave Inter a first-half lead but Mauro Camaronesi grabbed a 77th minute equaliser for Juve. The 1-1 draw meant Inter remain at the top of the table but second-place Fiorentina were able to close the gap with a 0-1 win at Lazio.

Well, is it? Barnsley manager Simon Davey thinks so, but then again he is a bit biased because it secured three points for his side deep into injury time in Saturday’s 1-0 win over Preston. Davey gushed: “It was the best I’ve ever seen. You have to hold your hand up and congratulate the keeper for that penalty save. He’s a top keeper.” Heinz Muller is stereotypically monikered German between the sticks.

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Every so often the greatest footballer on earth will come out with a curveball statement straight from the Sepp Blatter school of thought.
Could God’s gift to football have come up with an ingenious way of spicing up the game or are these the mutterings of a man losing the race against age?

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Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo has been told to stay off the pies by nutritionalists who fear his new found love of northern grub could affect his performances.

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Since the ‘Sky fell in’ and I found that I couldn’t watch Premier League games at home as dishes (no matter how mini) are not allowed on my building, I’ve been forced to get my football fill at the pub. And, although I can’t knock the alcohol and atmosphere, there’s some things that are starting to wind me up.

It is not too often that you hear that Uefa have cited a red card for further sanctions. So when they announce they will be investigating an incident further with the possibility of increased disciplinary action, you know it must be something quite serious. That is certainly true of the tackle/assault which Benfica midfielder Augustin Binya was red-carded for against Celtic on Tuesday night.

Nike’s Put It Where You Want It bandwagon has rolled on a long way since we showed you Wayne Rooney defacing a camera with his marker pen back in July. The latest stop for TV daredevils Dirty Sanchez on the Put It Where You Want tour is paying a visit to Chelsea and France winger Florent Malouda.

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Now it’s the turn of the French revolution that’s crossed the channel and entranced crowds with their Gallic flair. Click through to vote for the finest Frenchman from our premier dix – and no, it isn’t just the Arsenal first team

It’s been one of the longest running feuds in the Premier League but the latest spat between the two is over Sepp Blatter’s plans to limit the number of foreign players in English teams.

Just in case you’ve forgotten how good Dennis Bergkamp was here’s the final goal of his sensational hat-trick that destroyed Leicester in 1997 – all three goals were so good that they won first, second and third places in Match of the Day’s Goal of the Month competition. We dare you to suggest a better threesome that doesn’t involve girls…

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The hacks at The Guardian obviously read a little wider than us. So while perusing English-language Turkish newspaper Today’s Zaman they uncovered a potential reason for Besiktas’ poor showing against Liverpool last night. The paper revealed bitterness about Besiktas’ defeat to Fenerbahce in the Istanbul at the weekend, moaning about “hair-pulling, pushing, shoving, rough tackling and provocation by both sides, and above all, terrible refereeing decisions. It will go into the record books as one of the worst-officiated Istanbul derbies in the Turkish soccer league since its inception in 1959. There were so many obvious errors, so many wrong calls and so many non-calls that it would be impossible to enumerate all of them.”

We have all heard managers remark that fans have been like a twelfth man for their side, but this is taking things a bit too far!

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Slavia Prague v Arsenal, Weds 7 November (ko 7.45pm BST)
Prediction Slavia Prague 1-1 Arsenal

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Man United v Dynamo Kiev, Weds 7 November (ko 7.45pm BST)
Prediction Man United 3-0 Dynamo Kiev

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A slight variation on our usual Horror hair theme but Dean Leacock’s ghetto fabulous attempt makes him look more like a boy ‘in a hood’ – we only hope that what’s underneath is even worse.

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Both of these mercenary strikers have been making unsubtle noises about leaving their respective clubs when the going got tough.

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1. Despite all the claims of a new brand of football, Avram Grant can do a good Jose Mourinho impression when he wants
2. Chelsea’s fluorescent yellow away kit was the brightest move they made last night

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Chelsea avoided defeat by the skin of the post’s paintwork as they weathered a storm of Schalke attacks last night, although they still only need one win from two to qualify.

Peter Crouch is back in the headlines, so it’s the perfect time to post this comically bad ‘remix’ of Dre and Eminem’s ‘Forgot About Dre’. Whoever edited this mix, don’t give up the day job – unless your day job happens to be editing music videos together with sports clips, in which case DO give […]