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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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Are Real Madrid really prepared to splash out £54m on Cristiano Ronaldo, as reported in the Guardian today? That is a monstrous transfer fee, not to mention the £150,000 a week salary that he would be looking to pocket. Is he really worth that much cash? And what happened to Real’s claim that the galacticos […]

Not the greatest game you’ll ever see, but then Liverpool did 95% of the work in Holland; there was no way PSV were going to overturn a 3-0 first-leg deficit. Crouchinho scored his third goal against PSV in two games to complete a thoroughly professional job. Apart from that, not much to report. You can […]

Talking of big, tough centre backs with girlie hair, keep you eyes peeled for Sevilla’s Javi Navarro playing against Tottenham tonight. The Spanish side’s captain is hard as nails, yet there is more than a hint of Mexes about his choice of haircut. In the first leg, Navarro wore his hair in the sort of […]

With a Chelsea-Liverpool Champions League now confirmed, time for a spot of deja vu. Here is Luis Garcia’s goal which decided the 2005 semi-final between the two sides. All of the ball over all of the line? Hmm. [Rob Parker]

England 3-1 Italy. That is the makeup of this season’s Champions League semi-finals. No representatives from Spain, Germany or elsewhere. So of Manchester United, AC Milan, Chelsea and Liverpool, where will you be putting your money? United are in scintillating European form judging by Tuesday night; Milan shouldn’t be in the competition but their quality […]

England will play their first game at Wembley on 1 June against Brazil, and not a blind team as we had first thought! The match is England’s first at Wembley since the Kevin Keegan-inspired 0-1 defeat to Germany in October 2000. The friendly will come just five days before the Euro 2008 qualifier in Estonia. […]

The gang at 101Greatgoals has tracked down footage of some of the greatest spankings in the history of the Champions League. Viva Youtube! 1 Juventus 7-0 Olympiakos (10 December, 2003) David Trezeguet bags a brace as Juve thrash the helpless Greeks.

This cracking video must have slipped through the Pies net last month, but is still worth showing now. Cheeky Leroy Lita spots Jens Lehmann wandering off for a rant and figures that he will probably have to return to his goal at some point. Schoolboy humour at its finest! [Rob Parker]

There is something wrong, almost contradictory, about an uncompromising centre-back with a girl’s haircut. The surftastic barnet of Roma’s Philippe Mexes is no exception. The Frenchman’s normally assured performances (although he horrendously lacked any sort of assurance last night) and sunkissed highlights have earned him the nickname Laurent Blond. Anyway, as is his hair wasn’t […]

Pies will miss Cookie Coleman. He has lovely shiny hair, big manly thighs and a finely tuned sense of humour. He’s also a damn good manager and despite Fulham’s poor form I didn’t get the feeling that his time at Craven Cottage – ten years of sterling service, as a player and manager – was […]

Improbably, the quadruple is still on after Chelsea overpowered Valencia last night. The English champions’ second-half performance was not pretty (compared with events at Old Trafford, at least) but it was an awesome display of power, stamina and mental strength. Valencia are very strong at home and it takes a very strong team to go […]

Bayern Munich are in pole position to face Manchester United in the Champions League semi-finals following their 2-2 to draw with AC Milan at the San Siro. For the return leg tonight expect the Germans to be kitted out in this football/rugby hybrid effort from the house of Adidas. To be honest I would be […]

AC Milan striker Ronaldo is the latest celebrity guest to be given The Simpsons treatment. The Brazilian – looking quite trim here next to Homer – is in an episode due to air on 22 April. His character will apparently teach Lisa how to play football, well soccer but you know… [Via The Offside, Rob […]

If Milan get past Bayern Munich tonight (a pretty big if but I think they can do it), then we’ll be treated to a Man Utd v Milan CL semi final. That means we get to watch the world’s two best players, Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo, face off. And what cute faces they are too. […]

Excellent news for both Newcastle and England is that Little Mickey Owen found the net on his return to action. The 27-year-old scored 10 minutes into his comeback against mighty Gretna in a behind-closed-doors friendly. Owen has been out of action since sustaining a sickening knee injury against Sweden in last summer’s World Cup. He […]

‘The fact that three English teams should be in the semi-finals probably makes our league the best in Europe.’ So says Alex Ferguson and who are we to argue with him? He continues: ‘Six or seven years ago Spanish football was the best. But on the evidence of this season Barcelona and Real Madrid are […]

Some Pies readers have been pondering how Zinedine Zidane still rakes in £8.5 million a year having hung up his boots. The answer is by making a living from being a formerly sweaty footballer. [Rob Parker]

‘This was the saddest night of my career…’ Francesco Totti, on the verge of tears after Roma crashed out. ‘It was a fantastic performance by every one of our players. The speed of our play and our penetration was absolutely superb… That’s absolutely the best night of European football we’ve had here.’ Alex Ferguson, a […]

In a word, wow. Who really saw this coming? Not me, for one – I predicted a draw. Simply one of the most scintillating performances by an English club in Europe, ever. Roma were pretty poor, but that was down to United’s relentless waves of attack. When Premiership teams play at such a high tempo, […]

1 Manchester United v Roma and Valencia v Chelsea: two excellent matches in very different ways. I decided to watch Manchester United first half and Chelsea second half – a good call I reckon! 2 United were absolutely unstoppable. The pace and verve of their attacking play was out of this world. Cristiano Ronaldo was […]

A couple of bets for the Man Utd v Roma tie: 1 Man Utd half-time/draw full-time (12-1) I could see United scoring in the first half, but 1-0 is a dangerous score to sit on, and Roma have the talent to strike back an go through with a draw. 2 Cristiano Ronaldo to score first […]

Seems Becks can’t kick his tat habit. He recently showed off a new forearm tattoo, apparently in tribute to Wentworth Miller’s character on Prison Break, fugitive Michael Scofield. The intricate design on his right arm includes his shirt number 23, and connects to the angel and clouds he already had on his arm. [Via Just […]

Just think how much less interesting the Premiership would be without Jose. 1 ‘Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one.’ The quote that started it all, uttered not long after Mourinho had arrived at Chelsea, in 2004. 2 ‘If I wanted to have an easy job… […]

Following yesterday’s Alistair McGowan clip, more classic football comedy on Pies courtesy of Ali G. Hear me now! Staines’ finest puts the Beckhams through the mill for Comic Relief. Includes the immortal line (while talking about the then baby Brooklyn): “So would you like him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad, […]

One of the funniest things I’ve seen all season. Everton’s defence goes one way, all except poor Joleon Lescott, who forgot he was supposed to be playing the offside trap. Even Phil Neville found it hard not to laugh about it when he was interviewed after the match.