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Who ate all the pies

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aaaaagroundskeeper-wille.jpgWe’ll be honest we very rarely read the Glasgow Evening Times, due to (a) Pies HQ being 500 miles from Glasgee, and (b) us being HUGE fans of the Glasgow Evening Echo. But yesterday we read the future deep-fried pizza wrapper, whilst researching a feature about head-butting we’re trying to cobble together for some posh magazine. Anyway (or “anyhoo!” as they say in Glasgee) we’ll get to our point. Och!
The paper carried a story on the Tartan Army that has frankly warmed our cold cold heart. The thousands of kilt wearing legends, yesterday bravely forced the French police to re-open their favourite pub without remotely resorting to violence / croissant chucking. It’s a story that puts most football supporters to shame (and even more so us, for illustrating this story with Groundskeeper Willy from The Simpsons)…

aaaaa1628310.jpgImagine we were one country. Men from Stoke could proudly walk through Paris wearing a tartan dress, the people of Wales would know what victory felt like, and England’s goalkeeping “crisis” (though that’s technically a bit of a strong word for poor Robbo) would be solved in a jiffy.
So if we were just one nation battling for qualification together, who would you pick in your starting eleven tomorrow night (injuries taken into account, so no Rooney or Healy I’m afraid). For our pick click onward…

He’s the Sevilla striker who might cause England a few headaches on Wednesday that’s who. He’s never lost a game in which he’s faced Paul Robinson (and he scored past him too in Sevilla’s UEFA cup victory over Spurs). So should John Terry, Steve McCarrot and Paul Robinson fear the vodka guzzler? Here’s his best bit on film (complete with delightful Avril Lavigne soundtrack)…

aaaaa74347703.jpgThe weekend after an international break is always a popular time for a chairman to boot out his manager. You’ve had a couple of weeks to argue with your unwanted employee without the hassle of training interfering with ruck time, plus there’s plenty of spare time for a little light tapping up of a replacement. So who’s most likely to get the hoof after even the sniff of a bad result next weekend. Here’s the top ten as we see it…

aaaaa3449620%20copy.jpg Talk of ex Newcastle bloke Sir Fred buying poor Leeds from Sir Ken, which of these two elderly evils would you prefer in charge of your club? Let’s compare the two…

Punch Russian football into the interweb, you’ll get about ten sites offering near naked Russian foxes booting balls about, about 1000 sites yapping on about Roman Abramovich, a little about kids kicking balls on ice, and a truck load of grown men kicking lumps out of each other. The featured video, is an organised Moscow soccer brawl which reminds us of that newscaster brawl on the brilliant Will Ferrell movie Anchorman.
There’s still a major, major hooligan problem in Russia, much of it worryingly seems to stem around race and anti-semitism. So is New Wembley in danger of witnessing it’s first hoolie trouble this week? Fingers crossed no, but we’d be interested to hear what any of you with experience or knowledge of Russian football have to think on the matter. Let us know with your comments below.

aaaaa76630948.jpgJust because you’re a talented female footballer, and the Women’s World Cup is currently rocking China, doesn’t mean you escape the clutches of Who Ate All The Pies Horror Hair shaming.
Look at the state of the mullet of Germany star Melanie Behringer. At a guess we’d rate it at 15% ginger, but all of it is ill advised. Could this be the worst hair cut in female football? Let us know if you’ve seen a bigger shocker…

aaaaa76591719.jpgBrilliant crooning ex AC Milan keeper (he was on the books but never played) Luciano Pavorotti has his giant bearded face beamed onto the Wembley scoreboard prior to the Euro 2008 qualifier between England and Israel.
Photo Ryan Pierse / Getty Images

aaaaa76595589.jpgIt was almost quite heart warming to hear Bentley booed by England fans at the weekend. With so many empty seats as corporate goons stuffed their faces with Wembley frois graux and prawn sangers, the rings of boos every time the Blackburn winger touched the ball, let the world know real England fans were also in the ground. Fans who were (rightly!) disgusted that the hugely gifted Arsenal reject had snubbed an under-21 call up in the summer. But this got us thinking, what other grrrrrrrreat players have been booed by England fans…
Photo: Getty

Now we know Scotty Parker has been out of the England scene for a long while now, but we had no idea he felt so strongly about his lack of inclusion in the England team. Here he can seen having a massive punch up with poor Steve McCarrot.
Umm, what do you mean they’re ice hockey player who just happen to have the same names. Parker’s wearing the stripes of Newcastle! Umm, what? He plays for West Ham now? God, when did that happen? Anyway, it’s a great ruck. Enjoy…


Fiendish Friday Quiz

September 7th, 2007

harryredknapp.jpg 1. Who was the first black player to score a hat-trick for England?
2. Who is in the photo?
3. Which Premier League goal keeper keeps a bottle of Holy water in the back of his goal at every game?
4. True or false. Edgar Davids was completely blind until the age of five.
5. What six clubs did Dennis Wise play for?
6. What the hell does Mickey Adams do these days?

a74d_1_sbl.JPGThe 1950 World Cup in Brazil was when a cheeky li’l nipper named Edson Arantes do Nascimento (AKA Pele) clutched onto a radio and decided he wanted to become a football God. The goal machine who now helps out men who can’t get erections, was only nine, knee high to a goose, but deeply moved by Uruguay’s shock defeat of Brazil in the final. So after the final whistle went, legend has it he went out and built a ball out of socks, and started training day in day out so he could win the trophy back for Brazil. Eight years later he did just that.
Now, one of the Uruguayans who broke Pele’s heart in 1950 is flogging his World Cup winners medal on eBay. We reckon it’s probably one of their grandkids as most of the players are dead. But whoever’s medal it is, bidding is currently at a ridiculously low £0. Seriously. This is a part of World Cup history! Like owning a snippet of Bobby Charlton’s comb over. We would give you the link, but frankly we’re just going to buy it ourselves and then lie to our friends that our Granddad was from Uruguay and he beat Brazil to win the World Cup once. Nobody would ever believe that crap? Oh, alright, here’s the link….

England V Israel
Lawro 2-0, Pies 3-0
Lawro is claiming width will be the key, and we have to agree with him here. Joe Cole should get his chance to show Jose Mourinho exactly what he’s made of, and why he shouldn’t be stuck on the bench for Chelsea. An early goal is key, if Wembley turn on England, this could go belly up very quickly, but at the end of day, it is Israel we’re playing not Argentina…

mclaren.jpgFormer drunk Tony Adams has come out in the press today to compare Steve McLaren with turnips Graham Taylor. The Sun even dare call poor Steve a McTurnip. There are of course two minor problems with this theory. Firstly, Steve McShinyteeth lacks the tactical knowledge of Taylor, secondly the turnip has already been taken in England manager folklore. As of course has the swede.
So lets think outside the box here. What vegetable mosts suits McLaren? For our money it has to be the artichoke…

1 Waiting with baited breath for the Sunday tabloids to see what trouble he had got himself into this week.
2 The fact that he seemed to be at every Premier League ground every Saturday.
3 Errrr, well, er, impersonating his, er, post-match interviews, of course.

Nancy’s early season form is looking less like fluke with each match. They are two points clear at the top-of-the-table with a game in hand following their 2-0 victory over St Etienne. Carlos Kim (the guy upside down in the picture above) and Marc-Antoine Fortune were on the scoresheet.

rachelyankey.gifThe latest of our slightly reductive attempts to explain the skill of England’s women by comparing them to blokes they sort of play a bit like.

kellysmith.gifAnother of the Pies guides to England’s women:
Smith is England’s best – at least, most influential – player by a country mile, with the ability to change a game in the time it takes her to drop her shoulder.

76498660.jpgAccording to his Wigan teammate, Chris Kirkland – Emile Heskey is ‘England’s Didier Drogba,’ and he doesn’t mean he’s a big man who spends more time on the floor than on the ball.

Another in our series of handy educational posts introducing England ladies. Meet Karen Carney.

fayewhitecup.gifThis is the first in a series of posts aimed at familiarising you with some of the England ladies.

The women’s World Cup starts in five days and chances are you know bugger all about it, which simply won’t do. I know they’re girls and that, but they’re pretty good, and since most of the games are on BBCi / Eurosport you might as well give it a try.

The biggest story in Serie A this week was not Gennaro Delvecchio, of Sampdoria, doing whatever he is doing to Inter’s Luciano Zauri, for some reason. No, the big news is that Juventus are top of the table. Juve beat Cagliari 2-3 to pip Roma to top-spot after two games.

Is Michael Clarke Duncan, star of The Green Mile, how Heskey would look if he ever broke out a smile?

73755757.jpgHe’s gone from being one of the so-called ‘Untouchables’ to virtually an unmentionable at Stamford Bridge this season – is there any way back for Michael Ballack?