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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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This lot make Cristiano Ronaldo look like Gavin McCann.

Disaster strikes! Frank Lampard is out of the Andorra game after breaking his wrist during a training session – the country owes a debt of gratitude to Wayne Rooney, whose shot struck Lamps. What we need now is for Gerrard and Hargreaves to play a blinder in central midfield and for Steve McClaren to wake […]

If you’ve been having any problems with Pies in the last 24 hours (I know I have!), it’s almost certainly due to the fact that we’re currently in the process of switching publishing platforms. We should be fully settled in to our new shiny new home very soon, and ready to push for automatic promotion. […]

Women of the world, wouldn’t you love it, just LOVE IT, if you could go out with the hotness that is Kevin Keegan? Just watch how he carries his blouson/jacket over his shoulder, not to mention the exemplary way he treats his lovely wife Jean…

‘Hello, David Beckham here, writing this in my LA mansion. Welcome to my Photoshop School, where talented young Photoshoppers can come, for a small (well, large actually) fee and learn proper mad skills off me, innit. This week I done a poster wiv Sean Penn and that nasty man Steve McClaren, who’s so stupid he […]

Crooks tries to break Steve ‘Dead Man Walking’ McClaren’s spirit but the Mac’s got his game face on – you know, the one where he looks like a National Express driver emerging from his coach’s toilet after a Glasgow-to-London long-haul journey.

A random YouTube search for ‘Andorra’ threw up some Eurovision Song Contest bollocks and this memorable goal celebration by RVN. Having been taunted by Andorra’s players for missing a penalty, Ruud gets his own back in his own special (ie. childish) way.

Here’s the second part of our Ten Greatest Football Books list. You can read part one here. My Father and Other Working-class Football Heroes, by Gary ImlachLike Nick Hornby’s Fever Pitch, My Father… is more of a memoir than a straight football book. Imlach, whose face you may know from his time presenting TV coverage […]

Health firm Herbalife are the latest business to buy into Brand Beckham after becoming the new shirt sponsors of LA Galaxy. The company flogs weight loss and nutritional products, despite a logo and name which make it seem like the friendly face of marijuana dealing! Herbalife has signed a deal worth between $3.5 million and […]

Remember when Wayne Rooney used to score goals for England? Vaguely? Well, his last two competitive goals for England were this pair he scored against Croatia at Euro 2004. Check out some excitable commentary from John Motson, including the prophetic: "Is there nothing this boy can do!" [Rob Parker]

The release dates for the new kits seems to get earlier and earlier each season. Newcastle’s home shirt for next season is already available for pre-order ahead a 2 May launch. Out go the traditional stripy sleeves in favour of an a much more black affair. Think more zebra than bar-code for the 2007-08 season! […]

If it had been David Beckham or Xabi Alonso we would have all been raving about, so why shouldn’t we get excited about Hawar scoring from his own half for Al Ain against Al Shaab in the UAE President’s Cup last month. This was the winning goal in a 3-2 victory. Not bad! [Rob Parker]

Ladies and gents. Pies can finally reveal something that Frank Lampard is great at (which many people have been wondering after yet another woeful performance in an England shirt). Yes folks, Lamps is great at beating Kalou in a thumb wrestling match whilst wearing a Mexican wrestling mask. Stops us looking at that face which […]

We’ve got a rubbish manager who can’t help to stop negative play and it’s all infuriatingly boring. For any Englishman, this isn’t exactly news, but what is worrying about the current set-up is the lack of drive, willingness to perform and a dressing room that looks about as harmonious as George Best’s relationship with his […]

Fulham defender and unofficial English Tourist Board spokesman Moritz Volz has leapt to the defence of the English climate. The German told The Guardian’s Small Talk [Cue Land of Hope and Glory in the background]: "It’s not as bad as people say it is. England has to be one of the most beautiful countries in […]

1 He is not Steve McClaren.2 Even after a dull 0-0 bore draw with Israel, Ollie would still entertain us with his post-match interview. Whereas McClaren… 3 Ian Holloway could motivate a stone (although whether this is a big a feat as motivating a bunch of overpaid egotists is up for debate!)4 Ollie is happily […]

Paul Robinson Robbo (pictured, left) failed miserably to score the goals for which he was brought into the side. And he wore gloves when it wasn’t even cold. 1/10Phil Neville His lopsided face only served to upset the balance in the team. Surely Gary/Phil’s sister Tracey would be a better bet? One point for at […]

So whilst England failed abjectly to trouble the scorers against plucky Israel (and respect to the home side’s stalwart defenders), the good ‘ole US of America stood as one to applaud this hat-trick, scored by Landycakes for the national team against Ecuador. Watch out for his third goal – it’s a cracker:

Here’s a picture of Ollie, Pies Ed. arriving at work in his new yacht this morning, having cleaned up at the bookies this weekend. Mad props to Lee Honeyball, our new tipster, who landed all four of his live bets in his debut column, adding up to around a 150-1 quadruple. Mystic Lee correctly predicted […]

Cristiano Ronaldo rammed Belgium goalkeeper Stijn Stijnen’s threats of violence down his throat as he helped Portugal to a 4-0 victory on Saturday. And he scored two goals against the man who warned he would be leaving the pitch on a stretcher for good measure! Just like England, Portugal made the necessary adjustments after a […]

Good weekendTurkey A 1-4 away win in their grudge match against Greece.David Healy The Northern Ireland striker scored his second hat-trick of the qualifiers against Liechtenstein.Scotland Still sitting pretty on top of Group B after victory in Georgia. Bad weekend [Rob Parker]

[Mof Gimmers]

Did you enjoy the brilliant Top 20 Comedy Football Moments (Vol. 2) t’other day? Well, the flip side of the footballing coin is the ugly bit of the game. This video features the recent spat between Inter and Valencia, but you’d have to look hard to top the horrendous Schumacher hip-tackle that saw Battiston breaking […]