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Who ate all the pies

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78544768.jpgTottenham coach Juande Ramos has seen more than enough of Paul Robinson (favourite TV show: The Clangers) to realise that Spurs really, REALLY need a new goalkeeper if they are ever to achieve consistency.

Here is Middlesbrough and Spurs target Fred (the Brazilian with the most Premier League-friendly name in his country’s history) scoring what we think is the fastest goal ever scored with video evidence to back the claim. And 3.17 seconds is a pretty quick goal in anyone’s book.

Here at Pies we love a good goalkeeping clanger, and this effort from AEK Athens’ Marcelo Moretto fits perfectly into that category. Asteras Tripolis’ Filomena can hardly believe his luck as his shot wriggles under the keeper.

Props to Sheldon, Shiny Media’s design guru, for this tremendous nomination. Jermain, you’re going to have to do a lot more than that to win a place in Fabio Capello’s England team… More Shit Lookalikes

Serie A broke up for the festive period with Inter Milan holding a comfortable seven-point lead over Roma at the top of the table. Juventus are a further point behind Roma and six points ahead of fourth-placed Udinese, meaning this year’s scudetto is at best a three-horse race.

Not only did G. Neville last 45 minutes for Man Utd’s reserves against Everton last night, before being replaced at half-time, but he also scored a goal! Most un-Neville like behaviour, although it wasn’t exactly a wonder goal by all accounts, involving at least two deflections. Still, it is good to see the miserable old […]

This hilarious video shows Jose Mourinho forging a new career as the Special presenter of Setanta Sports phone-in I’m On Setanta Sports. No cabbage. Bring back Special One.

Jermain Defoe played in Tottenham’s Carling Cup semi-final against Arsenal last night sporting some kind of cranial G-string. Pies is not sure what is more shocking, the haircut or the fact that Defoe played a game. Dressing up as the planet Saturn is one way of attracting the attention of other clubs during the transfer window, I suppose.

May 1998 With the 1998 World Cup just weeks away, Gary Neville and best buddy David Beckham enjoy a sunny day on the golf course with British pro Paul Broadhurst at Mill Ride Golf Course in Ascot. Photo Andrew Redington/Allsport

Harry Redknapp is the bookies’ favourite to replace Sam Allardyce at Newcastle, although he’s said he’s happy at Portsmouth (he hasn’t ruled himself out though…). Alan Shearer has also been tipped to take the hot seat, but he’d prefer to be a pundit for the BBC. Vote below for your choice: online surveys – Take […]

50807960.jpgWell, Newcastle fans, you got what you wanted. Happy now? You effectively forced Sam Allardyce out of your club, without ever giving him a decent chance to show what he could do (as your Mackem rivals have generously done to Roy Keane, who has kept his job despite a string of dismal results). Another fine mess.

Remy Bonjasky is a Dutch Mixed Martial Artist, famous for his deadly flying knees.
Breno, Bayern’s new Brazilian wunderkind, is 18 and tipped for the very top. He’s a defender who can play at full-back or centre-back and, like most Brazilians, he’s not short on skill – as the following video of him scoring for former club Sao Paulo against Santos shows…

It seems that Mad Jens Lehmann is off to Borussia Dortmund this month, ending weeks of speculation that he would leave Arsenal after losing his place to Manuel Aluminium. The Bundesliga club claims that Lehmann has agreed terms with them, but there are still a few Is to be dotted and Ts to be crossed […]

Firstly, this was a game Tottenham should have won. They were the better team last night, but we shouldn’t forget that Arsene Wenger fielded a virtual ‘B’ team, where Spurs started with a stronger, more experienced team.

Tonight sees the first leg – do we really need two legs? – of the second Carling Cup semi final. In the red corner, Arsenal’s kids and fringe players (minus Lassana Diarra, who may be on his way out of the club). In the blue corner, Spurs, who will put out a near full-strength side. […]

Aston_Villa.pngCurrent league position 7th
Squad health Villa’s small squad means that Martin O’Neill simply can’t afford any injuries to key players. Ashley Young, Gabriel Agbonlahor, Zat Knight and Nigel Reo-Coker have all improved under O’Neill, whilst club captain Gareth Barry continues to lead by example. John Carew is finding his feet in the Premier League, and Villa fans will hope that reports of interest in the big Norwegian striker from Juventus are nothing more than tabloid filler. That’s the good news. On the downside, Villa still need a decent right-back and one more first-class striker, preferably to replace the woeful Marlon Harewood.

Gabriel ‘Sylar’ Gray (played by American actor Zachary Quinto) is one bad motherf**ker in Heroes – he steal everyone’s superpowers, by slicing open their heads no less, and then does bad things with them.

1582123.jpgLaurent Robert has talent to burn. He’s also a big girl’s blouse, and exactly the last sort of player you need in a relegation fight.

Simply unstoppable. Five Shay Givens wouldn’t have kept it out.

John Obi Mikel is sent off by referee Peter Walton after a wild, studs-up challenge on Phil Neville during the Carling Cup semi final 1st leg between Chelsea and Everton at Stamford Bridge on January 8, 2008 in London, England. Photo Phil Cole/Getty Images

As suggested by, er, me. I was watching Oscar-winning movie Crash on DVD the other night, when I noticed that actor Chris Bridges (aka rapper Ludacris) looked a bit like West Ham defender Anton Ferdinand. And ‘looking a bit like’ a footballer is enough to make a Shit Lookalike. More Shit Lookalikes

Well, his FIFA 08 persona at least. Not quite as controversial as it might have sounded then, but it is still funny. Ronny has a shot at goal and is suddenly overwhelmed with passion.

The three-fingered ‘A’ salute being flashed around as a goal celebration has created a bit of a murmur. Is it a secret Premier League cult? Are footballers gradually learning the alphabet? When Wigan defender Titus Bramble used the celebration against Liverpool the plot thickened. Did it stand for ‘At last I’ve scored for my team instead of the opposition’?

Ajax dropped to third in the Eredivisie after a disappointing festive period. The Amsterdam giants suffered a humiliating 2-1 defeat at bottom-club Excelsior, and followed it up with consecutive 2-2 draws against Twente and VVV Venlo.

“It wasn’t me, sir, honest. It was Tony Adams – he did it. Not the cane, Mr Capello!”