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Who ate all the pies

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If you answered no then you obviously didn’t see BBC’s Inside Sport last night. If you answered yes then please form an orderly queue. Self-centred doesn’t cover it. Gabby Logan could have asked him what he had for breakfast and the answer would have been along the lines of: “Well, when you’re me there is no point saying what you have had for breakfast because people have already made there minds up what food I eat.”

Probably the first and only musical tribute to Nigel Clough! Irish band The Sultans of Ping shook the music world with all the vigour of a mild bout of indigestion when they strolled onto the scene in the early 1990s. They did leave behind a few decent tracks, including this ode to Cloughie Jnr. The track is available on the excellently titled album Casual Sex in the Cineplex!

‘That is body on body!’ What the hell is this young ‘keeper made of? Titanium? Turn your volume up to enjoy the sound of high-school football carnage. Hit of the year? Maybe. Via Sport Pie

1989 (From l to r) Carlo Ancelotti (currently AC Milan’s head coach), Frank Rijkaard (currently Barcelona’s coach), Marco Van Basten (in charge of the Dutch national team) and Ruud Gullit (recently made boss of LA Galaxy) line up in the defensive wall for Milan against Real Madrid during the European Cup semi-final played at the […]

Sky Sports News might get its fair share of stick for its 24/7 coverage of the most mundane vaguely football-related activities, but here is evidence that the BBC were doing it 38 years ago. David Coleman presents live coverage of the celebratory dinner held by Manchester City following their FA Cup win.

Scenario 1 Robbie Keane was sent off for a clumsy tackle that warranted a yellow. Keane is a mouthy sod, always in the ear of any ref, but he is not a dirty player. (Watch the incident here)

Didier Deschamps tries to fake a smile as Theo Zagorakis draws France in the Euro 2008 Group of Certain Death (see below).

I didn’t expect Arsenal to get three points out of their trip to Villa Park this weekend. Martin O’Neill’s side came into the game full of confidence after their 4-0 win at Blackburn, and they would have fancied their chances at home to the league leaders. But in the first half, Arsenal destroyed them. Emmanuel […]

Liverpool 4-0 Bolton Wanderers Peter Crouch shields the ball from Gary Speed.

Real Madrid gave themselves a four-point lead at the top of La Liga after both their nearest rivals slipped up. Looking at the fixture list, Real would probably have been content to maintain their one-point lead but second place Villarreal lost 2-0 at Vallodolid. And, as if that wasn’t good enough, Barcelona could only muster a 1-1 draw against city rivals Espanyol.

Sebastian Larsson His stunning late winner gave Alex McLeish victory against Tottenham in his first match as Birmingham City match.

What’s all this about then? It was one thing for Big Sam Allardyce to insist on playing a striker in midfield, but now he appears to have taken to playing a porcupine in midfield. Alan Smith has rekindled his love affair with peroxide. Unfortunately there wasn’t enough left in his last bottle to do a full head of hair.

There are two very different stories at the moment for French football giants past and present. Lyon are currenly numero un – still top of the table after their 0-2 win at Rennes at the weekend. Former champions Paris St Germain on the other hand are sitting in the relegation zone after their 2-1 defeat at Nice.

I’m already bored with tabloid speculation about England’s next manager, and especially the tedious ‘Jose in come and get me plea!’ bollocks being spouted incessantly by not just the red-tops, but broadsheets too. That said, I did want to post on this issue, because it gives me a chance to showcase my headline-writing skills. Yes, […]

Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi and Kaka have just been announced on a three-man shortlist for FIFA’s World Player of the Year award. The award voted for by the managers and captains of the national teams of FIFA’s member nations, will be presented at FIFA’s world player gala in Zurich on 17 December. That’s a pretty […]

‘The biggest football job in Europe and in the world is to be the England manager.’ Sven-Goran Eriksson, November 2007 I respect Sven’s opinion, but I think his quote is mere hyperbole. Forty years ago, maybe it was true, but surely there are bigger management jobs in world football these days? To manage any of […]

1 Crystal Palace, Birmingham City, Crystal Palace (current). Whose career? 2 Who played for England at least once every year for 15 consecutive years, a record for any England player? 3 Who were the first English team to win a European trophy since the Heysel disaster in 1985? 4 What do Lucas Neill, Sam Allardyce, […]

Neil Warnock wants to build his Palace team around a 15-year-old midfielder. The prodigy’s name is John Bostock. You may have heard of him – the hype wagon is already rolling. Bostock, who hails from Camberwell, made his Palace debut last month against Cardiff, aged 15 years and 289 days. He has already captained England […]

Football isn’t the same without Gary Neville. He’s one of the finest ever examples of a player who you love if he’s on your team, but absolutely hate if he’s not. Even Man Utd fans know deep down that he’s a bit of a humourless prat, but he’s their humourless prat. We do miss G […]

Hmm, not quite the romp for Spurs I had imagined before the match. Aalborg scored within two minutes (I chuckled when that happened) and then again on 37 minutes (I didn’t chuckle when that happened) but a rousing second-half performance from was just enough to get the ‘Yids’ (in inverted commas, to placate the politically […]

Barbara Walters, veteran American journalist/TV personality, has named David Beckham (and missus Victoria) as one her Most Fascinating People of 2007. I know what I’m buying Walters for Christmas – a good dictionary, so she can look up the true definition of the word ‘fascinating’. I suppose she has a point – like most of […]

Here’s a video of some mean, foreign-speaking types taking the piss out of our referees – and when you watch it, you’ll see why Europeans think our officials are a bunch of clowns. The clip where Jeff Winter gets smacked on the side of the head is particularly satisfying though.

June 1994 Carlos Valderrama, the man with the most iconic haircut in the history of football, is hunted down by John Harkes during Colombia’s first-round match against the USA at the 1994 World Cup, held at the Rose Bowl, Pasadena. The USA won 2-1. Photo Stephen Dunn/ALLSPORT

setanta%20claus%20des%20lynam.JPGFormer Match of the Day (and indeed Countdown) host Des Lynam has reinvented himself as a Santa Claus impersonator. Des will be ho-ho-hoing all the way to the bank for his portrayal of Setanta Claus – the pervy old man who brings people the pay-to-view TV they need for Christmas.

The modern footballer just can’t get up to the sneaky antics of their predecessors. As LA Galaxy midfielder Kevin Harmse has discovered following the match against FC Sydney, the TV cameras will see what you are up to even if it is away from the action. Harmse was spotted planting his foot on the arm of Sydney’s Brendon Santalab. He was well within the school playground code of conduct though, according to his coach Ruud Gullit. The Dutchman said: “The guy who kicked David Beckham, he triggered it. He did it not only once, but twice. David warned him and said it’s a friendly.”