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Who ate all the pies

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74132900.jpgPoor Schalke. They got within seconds of winning the Bundesliga in 2001, only for Bayern Munich to snatch the title from under their noses with a goal in the 94th minute in their game in Hamburg.

Yeah, this is table soccer! (Pumps fist, shakes mullet.)

These are our favourite goals of the season. Vote for your favourite after the jump.
1 Robin Van Persie vs Charlton

Very few players in the world are capable of scoring a volley like this. Happily for Arsenal fans, Robin van Persie is one of those rare players. Like no other goal I’ve seen and so it wins out as Pies’ favourite Premierhip goal of 2006/07.

_42771309_hollowaybw203.jpgThe BBC is asking readers of its website if they would like to see Ian Holloway keep his column for next season. What a stupid question – of course he should keep his column, it’s 20 times better than the mundane cliches churned out by other football columnists, such as Kevin Nolan and Owen Hargreaves.

According to Match of the Day anyway. And here it is: Jussi Jaaskelainen Save of the SeasonUploaded by amarchauhan

The story is that Rivaldo feels betrayed by his club, Olympiakos of Greece. The 35-year-old Brazilian World Cup winner announced his departure from Olympiakos after negotiations for a new contract broke down. The club said on Saturday that Rivaldo had rejected an offer to renew his contract for another year on the same terms as this season. But Rivaldo claimed that Olympiakos’s administration wanted to halve his salary.

And in other news, dog bites man. It has hardly come as a surprise, but Big Sam Allardyce has officially been confirmed as the new manager of Newcastle United. The former Bolton boss has signed a three-year deal at St James’ Park.

Aalesund’s Gustave Bahoken does his utmost to keep Lyn Oslo at bay in the Norwegian league with this Zaire-inspired moment of magic.

This advert for Dutch pension company Nationale-Nedelanden brings together some of the finest players to wear the oranger of Holland to score the perfect total football goal.

fowler%20t-shirt.JPGWith ‘God’ on his way out of Anfield once again, it is probably as good a time as any for Liverpool fans to invest in this tribute to the one and only Robert Fowler. A fitting, and only slightly blasphemous, tribute to an Anfield legend. It is available from TShirts365 for £14.99 if you click in the general vicinity of this hyperlink.

pearce.jpgDoes the Monday craziness never end? First Paul Jewell keeps WIgan up but then he resigns. Now Man City, who finished four points above the relegation zone, have sacked Stuart Pearce! What does this mean for out-of-work managers like Iain Dowie, Chris Coleman and the mighty Sven? It means their agents will be straight on the phone to Man City, that’s what.

This sketch from the Fox network’s MadTV sketch show is about American football, but the actors look like they would have made a formidable midfield pairing at their peak!

Unlike most people, we actually wait until the end of the season to do our ‘team of the season’. Makes sense, don’t you think? Anyhoo, here’s our selection for the best XI in 2005/06 (fitting neatly into a time-honoured 4-4-2 formation):
Reina.jpgGK: JOSE REINA (Liverpool)
Pepe still flaps at the odd cross like a giant baby bird, but we’ll forgive him the odd discretion (all keepers make mistakes, simple as that). Reina is still young for a keeper (just 24, although he looks more like 34) and improving all the time. He’s had a great season, behind a constantly changing back four, and the fact fans now take it for granted that Liverpool concede hardly any goals is a testimony to his effectiveness as a shot-stopper.
Honourable mention: David James (Portsmouth). A renaissance season for Jamo. Nothing calamitous about his form these days.

Arsenal.pngGoalkeeping: Jens is a talented pupil but he can be a disruptive influence on the class. I appreciate he has language barriers to overcome but he shouldn’t argue with the teacher so much – eight times in detention is not acceptable. Perhaps when Lukasz arrives next term he’ll calm down and stop being such a big confrontational German.
Defence: If William stopped talking in class for five fucking minutes, perhaps he could knuckle down and apply himself. And Emmanuel must learn to respect authority or he’ll never succeed in life.

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Many congratulations to Cole, whose homage to Emile Butragueno wins our ‘design your own football t-shirt’ competition. The good people at Retro Football T-Shirts will make up Cole’s winning design (pictured) into a 100% unique t-shirt that he can wear proudly this summer. Nice one.

chuck_norris.gifBlackburn v Reading
Lawro: 2-0
Pies: 2-1
Actual: 3-3
Bolton v Aston Villa
Lawro: 1-1
Pies: 1-2
Actual: 2-2

sidwell221006_407x450.jpgSteve Coppell won’t confirm the identity of Sidwell’s new club yet, but it seems almost certain that the 24-year-old ginge has signed for Chelsea. Is he good enough to make it at the Bridge, or are we looking at Scott Parker Mk II, ie. a talented young English midfielder who will lose his way at a big club? You do have to wonder about the intelligence of a footballer who has his wedding vows tattooed on his back in massive letters.

evravsrobertrichardqd6.jpg
A thousand thank-yous to Pies reader Scott, who emailed us this splendid shit lookalike – in case you don’t know, Robert Ri’chard (nice apostrophe placement Robert) is a 24-year-old American actor, who has appeared in lots of TV shows (CSI: Miami, Veronica Mars etc.) and the odd shit movie (House of Wax and Coach Carter to name just two). Patrice Evra has never appeared in any episodes of CSI, as far as we know.

Olliesmirk.JPGPlymouth manager Ian Holloway has branded his latest transfer deal an ‘absolute snippetydoing’. Ollie has splashed out £400,000 making Hungarian winger Peter Halmosi’s loan stint at Home Park a permanent move. He said: “Considering the rest of the league are paying all sorts of money for all sorts of people, I would have thought £400,000 would be an absolute snippetydoing.”

st_pauli_-_bayern_-_ballack-kahn.jpgGerman sex toy company Beate Uhse has been ordered to pay €50,000 in damages to Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn after selling vibrators named after them during last year’s World Cup in Germany.
The company sold World Cup special edition vibrators called ‘Michael B’ and ‘Olli K’ in three shops.

Robbie Fowler applauds the Anfield crowd after making his final appearance for the club, for Liverpool against Charlton (the game ended 2-2). The man known on the Kop as ‘God’ didn’t score but that didn’t stop fans giving him a standing ovation when he was substituted.

Just before Sam Allardyce makes him a Newcastle player, mouthy Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton has been Blue Moon-lighting in the Eurovision Song Contest.
Barton.JPG

This hilarious (until you know the outcome at least) video features a dog tackling Brentford keeper Chic Brodie. The footage comes from a match against Colchester in 1970. The black-and-white terrier seizes on Peter Gelson’s backpass and launches itself at Brodie, shattering his knee cap and ending his career in the process.

Clock%20Sign.jpgThe season is over (bar the FA Cup final, playoffs and Champions League final) but we’d like to reassure all readers that Pies will continue to post scurrilous transfer rumours, mildly amusing YouTube videos, shit lookalikes, hot WAG news and much much more throughout the summer – we’re not going anywhere, and we hope you don’t either. I’d like to offer a massive thanks to all our readers, who have helped Pies’ increasing success. We couldn’t have done it without you, so give yourselves a big pat on the back. Next season we may even challenge for Europe…

74138379.jpgWith the official presentation of the Premiership trophy taking place after the final whistle, this result left everyone inside Old Trafford happy. Man Utd didn’t play their strongest team, but they still dominated large parts of the match and should have at least managed a draw. West Ham’s goal led a charmed life though and in the final 20 minutes they looked quite comfortable, safe in the knowledge that Man U needed to score twice to threaten their Prem status. People slag off Lucas Neill as a mercenary, but I thought he was inspirational at the back. Nigel Reo-Coker also had a great game, with sterling support from Yossi Benayoun and Mark Noble in midfield.