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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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ChelseaDVD.jpgRoman Abramovich may have spent millions of pounds on a season of underachievement, but your average Chelsea fan can pick up a reminder of a campaign of mediocrity for just £11.99. Mr Abramovich must be wishing he had just kept his money in his wallet and waited for the DVD.

Comedian Paul Kaye – of Dennis Pennis fame – brings a touch of good old fashioned English football hooligan brutality to the oriental martial arts. Featuring, as they say on telly, strong language throughout, so plug your headphones in if you’re at work!

Graeme Le Saux, of all people, shows the Brazilians how it should be done…

Little Michael Owen, looking fitter and happier than he has done for ages, poses during an England Press Press Conference at The Grove Hotel on May 31, 2007 in Rickmansworth, England. [Photo: Pool/Getty Images]

73693347.jpgToday is most definitely a red letter day for Man Yoo fans. First Nani and Anderson, and now Man U have confirmed the signing of Owen Hargreaves the worst-kept secret in football. According to F365:
‘The Old Trafford club have confirmed a deal has been completed with Bayern Munich for the England international and with personal terms agreed and a medical passed, all that is required now is for the 25-year-old to officially sign what is expected to be a five-year contract.’

If Nani is a readymade replacement for Ryan Giggs, then Anderson has the potential to fill Paul Scholes’ big ginger boots. The 19-year-old Brazilian has wonderful vision, tremendous skill and pace to burn – not sure if he’s as bad a tackler as Scholesy though.

All this fuss over Nani, but is he actually any good? From what I can tell, yes, he is bloody good (and makes the ideal replacement for Ryan Giggs), but Fergie certainly won’t stand for those clownish back-flips:

4-2-3-1.gifWhat implications does the Nani/Anderson/Hargreaves triple deal have for the way Man Utd will play next season? The Sun reports that United fans can look forward to a new formation in 2007/08: ‘Sources close to Fergie say he will play a 4-2-3-1 formation next season — using Ronaldo, Anderson and Nani as his three attacking midfielders behind Wayne Rooney.’

3904089.jpegPretty much everyone is reporting that West Ham are very close to agreeing a deal, reported to be in the region of £7m, with Newcastle United to sign Scott Parker. Tottenham apparently stuck their noses in at the 11th hour, as they are wont to do when any talented English player is involved, but it seems that the Irons will get their man.

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Continuing on a Carlos Queiroz theme, I dug up this picture of him back in the day (the Eighties, I guess?) when he was rocking a magnificent moustache. I was thinking he reminded me of someone but I couldn’t put my finger on who. Then it came to me – Geraldo Rivera (just Geraldo to his friends), American talk-show legend and fellow moustache wearer.

CarlosQueiroz.jpgIf, as seems likely after a deal was agreed ‘in principle’, Portuguese starlets Nani and Anderson move to Man Utd in the summer, United fans should really be thanking Carlos Queiroz, not Alex Ferguson. Surely it’s no coincidence that Portugal’s greatest young talent, Cristiano Ronaldo, has chosen to remain at Old Trafford with Queiroz.

andnan.jpgMan Yoo have secured deals to bring highly-rated Portuguese-based duo Anderson and Nani to Old Trafford in a £30 million deal. The pair have long been the subject of longing glances from a host of Premiership managers, but Fergie seems to have won them over.

Sheva.JPGWelcome to the Pies Transfer flops of the season XI sponsored by Freddy Shepherd. In fairness to Freddy he does not have any representatives in the side. Chelsea and West Ham fans, avert your eyes now! Everyone else, click below.

Subside Sports is doing a tempting 3-for-2 offer on all Retake retro football shirts and t-shirts, like this lovely green Brazil top and this Taxi for McLaren tee, for example. Thanks to regular Pies contributor Cole for spotting this tasty deal.

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Duisburg players look dejected after losing the penalty shootout against Frankfurt during the Women’s DFB German Cup final at the Olympic Stadium on May 26, 2007 in Berlin, Germany.
[Photo: Stuart Franklin/Bongarts/Getty Images]

Wales captain Ryan Giggs will announce his retirement from international football this lunchtime, according to the BBC. Giggs’s decision to quite Wales means he will never play at a major international tournament, which undoubtedly makes him one of the greatest players never to do so. Here’s a video tribute to his almighty talent:

_42229602_sam_hammam_dugout203.jpg1 ‘Everyone’s very comfortable on the ball and almost all of them are athletic. We play what I call “orgy football”: the other team know they’re going to get it, but they don’t know from whom or where from.’
Cardiff’s ex-chairman Sam Hammam takes a wrong turn at metaphor junction.

baby_chimp.jpg94531.jpg
What a pair of cheeky monkeys they make.

hughes%20l.JPGFormer West Brom striker Lee Hughes is close to completing a deal with Oldham Athletic from his prison cell. The 31-year-old has been in jail since 2004 when he was convicted of causing death by dangerous driving. The £5 million striker fled the scene after crashing his £100,000 Mercedes into another car while driving on the wrong side of the road. It is rumoured Hughes will be released from prison this summer three years into his six-year sentence, and Oldham are preparing to pounce.

The world’s best referee (© Graham Poll) Graham Poll is retiring from / has been hounded out of football. The official has had his resignation accepted by the Professional Game Match Officials. His last game will be the auspicious Euro 2008 qualifier between Finland and Belgium next week.

This Pepsi commercial from around the time of the 2002 World Cup might get a cheap laugh, but remember it is someone else’s culture being misrepresented that you are laughing at. For instance, we all know it has been against Roberto Carlos’s culture to get a free kick on target since about 1997!

Beckham%20england.jpgNo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Nine games in charge of England is how long it has taken Steve McClaren to re-unite England’s oh-so-blatantly-slap-you-in-the-face-it’s-so-obvious-can’t-play-together World Cup midfield.

Ouch, ouch and ouch again. Keep your eye on the ball(s)…

[Via With Leather]

Oh for God’s sake not another crazy cross-bred ‘extreme sport’. How incredibly tedious.

More footage of this silly new sport below…

56041477.jpgAnd so we read yet another chapter in the increasingly tragic Gazza story. Gascoigne has undergone emergency surgery for a perforated stomach ulcer. He is understood to have been taken ill while celebrating his 40th birthday in Gateshead. His agent Jane Morgan said: ‘Paul Gascoigne was admitted to hospital last evening with severe stomach pains… He underwent emergency surgery for a perforated stomach ulcer and will remain in hospital for a few days. He’s recovering well from the surgery.’