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Who ate all the pies

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The evergreen Luis Figo in action for Inter Milan, who went level at the top of Serie A (with Roma) after a 3-0 win against Sampdoria. Figo scored Inter’s third goal, adding to a brace by Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Photo Getty Images

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As Alisher Usmanov draws ever closer to an Arsenal takeover, so does the sound of a distant Antipodean tuba. That’s right… pudgy face… bad specs… receding hairline… it’s Harold Bishop from Neighbours…

Dr Lopes is not happy when he’s being interviewed for Portguguese TV and the interview is interrupted by footage of Jose Mourinho returning to his homeland. Lopes, who was Prime Minister of Portugal from 2004-2005, bemoans the fact that such news would be deemed more important than him, and ends the interview. Good old Jose, […]

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Arsene Wenger has serious fears for the future of English football, believing that the domestic game is in danger of being severely damaged by mass media coverage and new club ownership…

_linesman_offside.jpgReports are saying that our referees and assistants have been told to favour attacking teams on tight offside calls after being sent a directive that tells them: “Don’t get stuck in a time warp. Gone are the days when we would prefer a ‘dodgy offside’ to a ‘dodgy goal’.”…

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Marseille have sacked their manager Albert Emon (pictured). OM’s poor start to the season sees them sitting just one-point off the relegation zone. The club has moved quickly to install former Galatasaray coach and Belgian international Eric Gerets as the new coach.

Jose Mourinho has been given the Guardian Gallery treatment this week. And with Special One hype at its peak there is a bumper load of entries, including the one below which paints Chelsea as the Addams Family. Click here to see them all.

‘Motivation, motivation, motivation… the three Ms!’ Great to see this fantastic old clip again on YouTube – Peter Cook couldn’t be unfunny if he tried, even when he’s walking the line like this, ad-libbing left, right and centre… Via Guardian Sport Blog

Over on SpursPies, they’re looking at which Spurs player would make a welcome return to the side as the club celebrate their 125th anniversary. Personally, I’d like to see Ossie Ardiles back around, just so I can hear him sing “Tottingham!” See below if you’ve no idea what I’m talking about.

stefan%20wessels.jpgEverton keeper Stefan Wessels finished last night’s Carling Cup victory over Sheffield Wednesday looking like a cross between Bjorn Borg and Mr Bump after a collision with former Toffee Francis Jeffers.

joljoljol.jpgMartin Jol, currently caretaker manager of Tottenham Hotspur, has had a tough time of it lately. The fans love him and don’t want him to go, but boo him when he substitutes a player. Even though they went on to win the game. The chairman doesn’t like him and keeps asking just about everyone in the world if they fancy being Spurs manager. Jol, it seems, is not a popular boy….

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Again, whilst looking for something completely unrelated, I stumbled across this peculiar snap of Petr ÄŒech spread eagled in front of a camera man on the hollowed Wembley turf. What’s being said here do you reckon? “Come on Pete… this is the money shot…” or what? Chuck your version of events in the comments as usual Pieheads.

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Pies regular Jess Malone has submitted the latest in our series of Shit Lookalikes. Do you think Marky Mark Wahlberg could adapt to life in Liverpool’s midfield as easily as he made the transition from fresh-faced popster to haggard Oscar winner?

Now we know where Jose Mourinho went wrong. When Roman Abramovich started giving him a bit of lip he should have simply paraded in front of the Chelsea fans holding his genitals and shouting insults in the billionaire’s general direction. At least that would have been the advice of Colombian striker Leider Preciado.

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Since West Brom were relegated from the Premier League, Pies has come to expect the occasional arrogant outburst from young centre-back Curtis Davies. The 22-year-old has been eager to tell all and sundry just how good he is – too good for the Championship and ready for the Premier League again.

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No doubting the big game in Serie A this week. Table-topping Roma were held to a 2-2 draw by newly-promoted Juventus (that still sounds strange!). Roma still lead the way, but the chasing pack are now within two points. Juve manager Claudio Ranieri has been bigging his side up in the wake of the emphatic… draw. He said: “Our history demands that we win the scudetto. The pitch will be the only judge. But I can say that, after the excellent showing (against Roma), we want to fight for the title right to the end.”

Just for the record, you know, to clear things up, Chelsea have NOT offered the manager’s job to Marco Van Basten. And the Dutch FA says the same thing. Got that? Because I wouldn’t want you to think otherwise… Avram Grant is going NOWHERE. You heard it here first (well, second or third). More on […]

Crazy Chringle has sent me another inspired Shit Lookalike. I don’t know what the hell he’s smoking, but I’d like some too.

Quite a few more Carling Cup fixtures tonight. Here are my predictions for each one: Aston Villa v Leicester Martin O’Neill will see the Carling Cup as Villa’s most winnable trophy, so I expect him to field a strong Villa team, with Curtis Davies expected to make his debut. Prediction Aston Villa 3-1 Leicester Blackburn […]

Chelsea

Is Roman Abramovich paranoid?

September 26th, 2007

abramov.jpgIs it me or is Roman Abramovich getting a bit paranoid? When Chelsea face Hull City tonight, the Russian billionaire will be guarded by ten bodyguards this evening in the Directors’ Box. Including himself, that makes a weird starting XI. Hull’s chairman, Paul Duffen, told The Daily Mail: “His security people have been in touch for the past couple of weeks and 10 of the 24 tickets we offer visiting directors will be taken up by security.”…

76174664.jpgDoes anyone else think that it’s funny that the British press seemingly wants Sven Goran Eriksson as the new Chelsea boss? It seems a little more than ironic that the same press who dragged the Swede over the coals for his drab tactics and dour approach whilst at the helm of the England side, seemingly feel that he’s the man to keep Roman Abramovich happy with beautiful free flowing football in the demise of Jose Mourinho’s tenure….

league_ladders.jpgRemember buying copies of Shoot and Match and giddily flicking through to pore over new kits and footy news? Salivating over your League Ladder (as pictured) and proudly keeping it correct with every result? Well, as you grow up, you leave those mags behind in favour of… well… Pies and the like. With that in mind, you may be thrilled to learn that Shoot is still knocking about and is all ready for a relaunch with a new look and features…

76967757.jpgIt doesn’t make much sense to me that Man Utd would complain about Avram Grant being granted dispensation to manage Chelsea without a Uefa pro licence, as reported by BBC Sport. If I was involved with Man Utd, I’d want Avram Grant to remain as Chelsea manager for as long as possible – rather that than they bring in a world-class manager like Guus Hiddink, surely? It all seems a bit silly, given that Grant has already managed the Israeli national team.

We don’t feature Turkish football a lot here on Pies. In fact, our coverage of it is pretty much limited to the gratuitous violence of the occasional mass brawl. I’m not sure whether this video will make you wonder why we don’t feature it more often or show you exactly the reasons we don’t.

With the Gay World Cup underway, Pies has become camper than the Village People sharing a tent with George Michael. To continue the theme here is a video showing what Baddiel and Skinner would call ‘homoerotic moments in football’.