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Who ate all the pies

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Man United v Dynamo Kiev, Weds 7 November (ko 7.45pm BST)
Prediction Man United 3-0 Dynamo Kiev

A slight variation on our usual Horror hair theme but Dean Leacock’s ghetto fabulous attempt makes him look more like a boy ‘in a hood’ – we only hope that what’s underneath is even worse.

Both of these mercenary strikers have been making unsubtle noises about leaving their respective clubs when the going got tough.

1. Despite all the claims of a new brand of football, Avram Grant can do a good Jose Mourinho impression when he wants
2. Chelsea’s fluorescent yellow away kit was the brightest move they made last night

Chelsea avoided defeat by the skin of the post’s paintwork as they weathered a storm of Schalke attacks last night, although they still only need one win from two to qualify.

Peter Crouch is back in the headlines, so it’s the perfect time to post this comically bad ‘remix’ of Dre and Eminem’s ‘Forgot About Dre’. Whoever edited this mix, don’t give up the day job – unless your day job happens to be editing music videos together with sports clips, in which case DO give […]

Since when did Rafa’s Liverpool score this many goals? Since last night, when they ripped an impotent Besiktas to shreds, thanks to a Yossi Benayoun hat-trick and a couple from Liverpool’s forgotten man, Peter Crouch.

Liverpool v Besiktas, Tues 6 November (ko 7.45pm BST)
Prediction Liverpool 3-0 Besiktas

Schalke v Chelsea, Tues 6 November (ko 7.45pm BST)
Prediction Schalke 0-2 Chelsea

Now it’s time to take the gloves off by asking you to decide who’s the hardest between two heavyweight managers that you wouldn’t want to meet down a dark training ground – it’s one North East derby that would guarntee claret being spilt.

72300094.jpgChelsea’s stars were less than impressed with Avram Grant’s primitive training methods.
Let us know if you can come up with a better caption

77683163.jpgTonight is the first of three crucial games that will decide if Liverpool, finalists in two of the last three seasons, will even make it out of the Champions League group stages this time around.

77680776.jpgSteve McClaren has travelled around 5,000 miles to watch David Beckham play in a charity match against Vinnie Jone’s Sunday league team, Hollywood United.

Pele wasn’t quite right when he said that an African nation would win the World Cup by the turn of the century. But, with the players emerging from the continent and the next tournament in South Africa, his comments are carrying more weight.

David Cann A linesman in correct call shocker! Cann didn’t hesitate to blow the whistle when Gallas’ last gasp shot crossed the line, which means the usual calls for video technology can be put on hold for a week – although Spurs fans who remember a similar incident starring Roy Carroll won’t have taken any consolation.

76959548.jpgHe was the bookie’s favourite to go next so it’s no great surprise that Wigan have shown Chris Hutchings his P45 after the club’s sixth defeat in a row against Chelsea on Saturday.

Spurs self-styled ‘Ghetto Kid’ made his debut at the weekend but had a bit of a stinker – not least for his Pepe Le Pew haircut.

Woah, it all kicked off, handbags-style (ie. a lot of shoving and pushing and shouting but not much more), following a game between Brazilian clubs Atletico Paranaense and Gremio earlier in the week. A mass brawl, captured by TV cameras, started in the changing rooms and then continued at the airport. Any Portuguese speakers want […]

Cheers to Shit Lookalikes stalwarts Chringle for this gem.

Jussi Jaaskelainen of Bolton claims a cross during the Barclays Premier League match between West Ham United and Bolton Wanderers at Upton Park on November 4, 2007 in London, England. Photo Ryan Pierse/Getty Images

I used to think Ashley was such a nice boy when he was making his way at Arsenal – the sort of polite young man you could take to meet your parents. Then, something happened to him. He went over to the Dark Side, for what reason I don’t know exactly. It all started with […]

If tomorrow’s Arsenal v Man Utd clash offers one tenth of the entertainment of this amazing FA Cup match, I’ll be a happy man. I still don’t think I’ve seen a more pulsating game in this country. Two teams – and bitter, bitter rivals, as they were, and still are – at the very top […]

Props to the chaps on The Guardian’s Football Weekly podcast, who mentioned in their latest pod that Juande Ramos is a ‘dead ringer’ for Father Damien Karras from the movie The Exorcist. He bloody well is!

June 1974 West Germany captain Franz Beckenbauer shakes hands with East German counterpart Bernd Bransch before the start of their World Cup first round match on 22 June 1974 in Hamburg. East Germany went on to win the match 1-0, thereby wiping the smug grin of the Kaiser’s face. Photo Allsport UK/Allsport

The sports minister, Gerry Sutcliffe, has branded John Terry’s salary ‘obscene’. Sutcliffe also attacked Chelski’s general attitude to cash. He said: ‘Good luck to John Terry but I think it is obscene to be on £150,000 a week,’ said Sutcliffe. ‘People in the street cannot understand salaries like that. Chelsea are £250m in the red […]