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Who ate all the pies

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The biggest story in Serie A this week was not Gennaro Delvecchio, of Sampdoria, doing whatever he is doing to Inter’s Luciano Zauri, for some reason. No, the big news is that Juventus are top of the table. Juve beat Cagliari 2-3 to pip Roma to top-spot after two games.

Is Michael Clarke Duncan, star of The Green Mile, how Heskey would look if he ever broke out a smile?

73755757.jpgHe’s gone from being one of the so-called ‘Untouchables’ to virtually an unmentionable at Stamford Bridge this season – is there any way back for Michael Ballack?

Pies looks at eleven players who made a mockery of tradtional XI with their crazy, mind-bending shirt numbers. At least it proves some footballers can count about 11!

You know the drill – one kick to hit the bar from the centre circle while you’re teammates goad you from behind, especially if they’re William Gallas.

76498202.jpgIt’s a club vs. country fight that’s been simmering all week as England waits to see if Liverpool’s Stevie G will be ready for our decisive Euro qualifiers.

Ajax’s goalscoring exploits might have grabbed the headlines early-on this season, but Feyenoord have been quietly going about their business. A 2-0 victory over Willem II at the weekend was enough to send them to the top of the Eredivisie. The goals came from Luigi Bruins and Roy Makaay.

Here is an XI so multicultural that even Arsene Wenger couldn’t have dreamt it up!

The buck-toothed Brazilian takes delivery of a new pair of boots and tests them out on the training pitch with spectacular accuracy.

76470813.jpgFor the past few weeks we’ve been musing over Manchester United’s shortage of strikers, wondering if they would spend again and who would be the ideal signing.

Casey Telford of England in action during an England training session ahead of the FIFA 2007 World Cup in China at Shanghai Songjiang Stadium on September 4, 2007 in Shanghai, China. Photo Paul Gilham/Getty Images

beard5.jpg Call this a little fluff piece, but has everyone seen Alan Hansen’s foray into facial hair on last weekend’s Match of the Day?

Sevilla secured a fitting tribute to Antonio Puerta by qualifying for the Champions with a comfortable 4-1 victory over AEK Athens. A brace from Luis Fabiano and goals from Seydou Keita and Alexander Kerzhakov secured a 6-1 aggregate win. The Spanish side will now line-up in Group H with Arsenal, Slavia Prague and Steaua Bucharest.

It’s like a James Bond film where you think, why doesn’t the villain kill him? – and then eventually he comes back to bite them.”
Northern Ireland FC (aka Fulham) manager Lawrie Sanchez compares Spurs to a James Bond after sneaking a 3-3 draw against them.

It seems our French friends will come up with any excuse to get their kit off – welcome to ‘stripfoot’.

dean%20ashton%20horror%20hair.jpgLast time we saw Dean Ashton he was going bald gracefully, but things change. He has returned from his long injury lay-off with this bleached blond barnet (because a healthy dose of peroxide was just what his dying hairs needed). All of this means the West Ham striker has been left looking like a born-again monk who gave up his life on the early 1990s rave scene to spend his days in the monastery.

Jose Mourinho gives us the occasional chuckle with the excuses he finds for Chelsea’s failings, but Wolfsburg manager Felix Magath has trumped even the Special One’s most special of cop-outs. With his side languishing in 14th place in the Bundesliga, Magath blamed his side’s poor showing in a 2-1 defeat to Hertha Berlin on they delayed rail service provided by Hertha’s sponsor, Deutsche Bahn, on Friday afternoon.

French fast-food chain Quick has launched its Anelka burger in honour of Bolton’s sulky striker Nicolas. The burger comes with a hint of pepper, apparently. If it is anything like its patron, you would imagine the burger fills a gap at first but leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth and a lot of bellyache.

76486547.jpgCesc Fabregas starred again for Arsenal in their 3-1 win over Portsmouth on Sunday. He’s only 20 but the young Spaniard is showing the sort of match-winning maturity that could see his dream of one day captaining the side come true.

75411484.jpgLiverpool are sitting at the head of the Premier League table for the first time in five years – and only a ‘ghost’ penalty against Chelsea has prevented them from claiming maximum points from their first four games.

QPR players wear the name of team-mate Ray Jones, who died in a car crash last weekend, on their shirts during the Championship match against Southampton at Loftus Road on Saturday.
Photo Clive Rose/Getty Images

This is a little scary! This appears to be Chelsea legend Gianfranco Zola starring in the video to Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart (click here if you want to put yourself through the entire video). What’s the Italian for Turn around, Bright Eyes?!

Real thrashed Villareal 0-5 to go top of La Liga after two games. Raul, Wesley Sneijder (two), Ruud van Nistelrooy and Guti were all on target for the champions. Coach Bernd Schuster was remarkably calm at his side’s early season form considering winning the league normally gets you sacked at Real. He said: “I am more happy with the play and the results than the league table. We still have things to improve and the league table is not important. To be first is not bad, but to be there later on is more important.”

Bolton 1-2 Everton
Wanderers look increasingly like they might be heading for a post-Allardyce fall from grace, while the Toffees go from strength-to-strength. Yakuba bagged a debut goal.


Horror Hair: Jose Mourinho

September 3rd, 2007

76476527.jpgWhen he arrived, Jose Mourinho was seen as the king of Continental cool – the sharp suits, trademark Armani overcoat, and perfectly coiffured hair all made him look more like a matinee idols than a Premier League manager.