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Who ate all the pies

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sweet-sixteen.jpgOlympos Xylofagou striker Panagiotis Pontikos scored an astonishing 16 (sixteen) goals as his side thrashed SEK Ayios Athanasios 24-3 in the Cypriot third division this weekend. That’s six more goals than Man City scored all season at home.

72237496.jpgIf, during a Premiership relegation battle, you look around the dressing room and see any of the following players, ask for a transfer immediately because you’re going down:

The FA Premier League initiated legal action against YouTube on Friday for copyright infringement, which could be bad news for football fans everywhere. If you miss Match of the Day on Saturday night/Sunday morning or Sky’s Super Sunday, YouTube is the first port of call to catch up on any Prem action you have missed.

Ollie has kept us thoroughly entertained this season. English football would be a more boring place without his wit and wisdom. Ollie, we salute you! Here’s ten of his best quotes of the season:
1 ‘If anybody’s offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they’re just jealous that he’s got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything. I thought his [Joey Barton's] bum cheeks looked very pert.’
2 ‘I think us human beings will end up with thumbs like giant crabs pretty soon because of all the texting that goes on and the playing of these stupid computer games, and we’ll have lost the art of talking. It really does worry me.’
3 ‘If you go to the ballet you have about eight intervals – it’s different class. In fact you could almost have your 10 pints during the breaks and by the end of it you’re loving it. I strongly recommend it.’

Let’s hear it for Arsenal Ladies! In winning the Women’s FA Cup at the weekend (4-1 against Charlton Women), they completed an unprecedented quadruple (League Cup, Premier League, FA Cup and Uefa Cup). In other words, they did what Chelsea couldn’t. Many congrats to all concerned – a fantastic achievement.
It was also very encouraging to see that a crowd of almost 25,000 turned up at Nottingham Forest’s City Ground to watch the FA Cup final – that’s double the previous record crowd for a women’s FA Cup final. [Photo: Getty Images]

71305930.jpgIf this isn’t prime material for pub-based speculation, I don’t know what is: Fergie has announced, via chief exec. David Gill, that Man U have identified ‘three targets’ to buy during this summer’s season break. We’ve taken a good look at Man U’s squad to see which areas they need to strengthen…

1530992.jpgMan City v Man Utd
Lawro: 0-2
Pies: 1-3
Actual: 0-1
Everton v Portsmouth
Lawro: 1-0
Pies: 0-0
Actual: 3-0

Two Charlton Athletic fans come to term’s with their club’s relegation. Charlton lost 2-0 at home to Spurs last night, condemning them to the drop. Tottenham’s win keeps them in the hunt for a Uefa Cup place, and also ensures the Premiership status of Fulham for at least another season. Watch highlights of the match after the click…
[Photo: Getty Images]

Scoring an own goal is always galling for a footballer, but to score it from a penalty – and a penalty you conceded at that – must make you want to walk off the pitch there and then. PogoÅ„ Szczecin’s Thiago is the man wishing the pitch would open up and swallow him. More Polish […]

73488478.jpgI could hardly bring myself to post on Glenn Roeder’s demise because just thinking about the charisma-free Roeder makes me fall asleep and dribble on my keyboard – and dribble + keyboard = f**ked-up keyboard.

Some fine goals scored this weekend. The game of the weekend was a ‘six-goal thriller’ (aren’t they always?) between Real Salt Lake and Red Bull New York. Real still hasn’t won a game this season but they pushed NY all the way and picked up a well-deserved point. Red Bull’s failure to win saw the Kansas City Wizards, who defeated Columbus Crew 1-0, move to the top of the Eastern Division.
There’s a three-way tie at the top of the Western Division, with Colorado Rapids, Houston Dynamo and FC Dallas all on seven points (although Dallas has played one game more). Houston beat Colorado 3-1 in this division’s big match-up.
Current MLS standings & all the weekend’s goals below [Via Climbing the Ladder]:

Yesterday’s crunch game at the Emirates was absorbing, if only to watch Chelsea’s grip on the Premiership title finally relax – they’ve been bravely hanging on with one hand to the edge of a cliff for several months now. A team with a lesser manager than Jose Mourinho would have capitulated long ago, so I give the Blues my respect for pushing Man Utd almost all the way.

1 Mark Noble, West Ham v Bolton
Cock the hammer, pull the trigger, bosh…

3-0 Noble vs Bolton
Uploaded by wwwARSENALCLIPStk

And so, after a mighty slog of a season, we now know the champions in each of English football’s top four divisions:

Vieri turns, he shoots, the ball goes in the back of the net. Except that doesn’t really tell the whole story.

Vieri vs Sienne
Uploaded by REM-Y

In the blue corner, we have Michael Ball, who seemed hell-bent on inflicting some kind of Zorro Zed on Cristiano Ronaldo’s chest during the Manc derby on Saturday…

Ball (MC) Stamp On Ronaldo (MU)
Uploaded by FootballHeaven

Kenwyne Jones of Southampton celebrates scoring a goal during the Championship match between Southampton and Southend United at St Mary’s Stadium on Sunday. Southampton’s 4-1 victory ensured that they finished the season in sixth position. They now face Derby County in the play-offs.
[Photo: Ian Walton/Getty Images]

West Ham’s players touch their noses – as you do – during a training session yesterday, prior to today’s crucial Premiership clash with Bolton at Upton Park. [Photo: Getty Images]

Can Arsenal stop Chelsea today? Not if Jose has anything to do with it…

Something for the Chelsea fans to have nightmares over tonight!

Villa’s new crest (on the left) actually looks older than the one it replaces (shown on the right). Brand new retro, you might say. EPL Talk has the lowdown on the new crest:
‘The star signifies the one European Cup that Villa won. ‘Prepared’ is the club’s motto. The use of ‘AVFC’ to signify Aston Villa Football Club also is very retro as more and more clubs these days avoid putting the words ‘FC’ into their crest (the best example is Manchester United).’

74016235.jpgLeeds United have been relegated to League One after being deducted 10 points for going into administration. The 10-point deduction means Leeds will finish the season bottom of the Championship, below Southend and Luton, the other two relegated clubs.
On the positive side, Leeds will not lose any points for the start of their first season in League One. Administrator KPMG has already agreed to sell the club to a newly-formed company led by chairman Ken Bates.

Moss.jpgPlymouth boss (and the only Football League manager to tell us to go swivel - so far!) Ian Holloway has been having a good moan about women in shorts in his latest BBC column. Ollie was responding to a question about the new Kate Moss range at Topshop.