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Who ate all the pies

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ssss76706121.jpgSpare a moment’s thought for Viacheslav Malafeev. Not only is he called Viacheslav Malafeev, he played in goal for Russia last night. There was nothing he could do to stop Owen’s absolute screecher, as brilliantly captured here. And how nice was it to see Michael back in the kind of form? Newcastle fans must be simply gagging to see what kind of damage he’s going to cause against poor Derby on Monday…

Photo: Laurence Griffiths / Getty Images

ssss76704751.jpg Och! We’d already typed up our response for plucky Scotland’s brave performance against a rampant France last night. The brave jocks battled hard for 60 minutes at which point the Frenchers stepped things up a gear and ground out a 2-0 victory. That’s what should have happened, but the wee lassy AKA Lady Fate hate different things in mind. Her plan was for Scotland to win? Madness…
So “Och laddy!” you better toss my caber, because the skirt wearing gingers left the footballing world shell-shocked by beating France in France. Genuinely. It happened. Alreet? Nae bother.
Surely this has to be one of the haggis chomping McFootballers finest ever achievements? In our books, we’ve got it as their number two…
Photo: Getty

sssssir%20steve.jpgOkay, okay, we’ll be the first to admit it, we doubted Saint Steve’s capabilities at an international level. Yes, yes, we compared Lord McLaren to an artichoke (God’s worst vegetable) and laughed at his rubbish goldeny hair (well, what’s left of it). But we’ll also be first to admit that thanks to some of his wild decisions, England cruised to a much needed six points out of six. If it had gone tits up, decisions like playing Heskey would have seen him brutally destroyed faster than a kebab snuck into Fat Camp.
But were these brave decisions down to luck or genius, here’s how Pies sees it…

chimp_at_typewriter.jpg In mere hours time Wembley’s corporate boxes will be full of football fans stuffing their faces with lobster while their seats sit empty and England play Russia. Whatever the result tomorrow, one thing we can guarantee is that our red top Fleet Street friends at The Sun, Star and Mirror will come up with some glorious Soviet based headline puns. So can we beat them to it? Here’s our top guesses at what the hacks will go for, hopefully you lot can do even better…

aaa76550779.jpgLaughing at Germans has always been fun. With their love of the sausage, massive moustaches, and fondness of invading France, they’re not only easy targets, they haven’t a clue at why you’re chortling at them due to the fact most German’s lack laughing genes. Which is why we took such pride in poking gentle fun at their lady football star’s terrible mullet earlier in the week. As our sides reached splitting point looking at her gingery Barnet, we started getting comments. Apparently England’s very own Sue Smith has worse hair. A few phone calls and a google search confirmed this. Not only is it a bleached mullet. She’s tried to squeeze it into bunches. There’s litterally three hairstyles happening at once here. None of them good…

aaaParis-eiffel-tower%20copy.jpgBREAKING NEWS! According to reports on TalkSport the famous tartan army have just reached the Eiffel Tower… in their thousands. Apparently up to 15,000 jocks are converging on the giant froggy hunk of steel for a bit of a party and a sing song.
That’s all fine, until you find out what they’re singing. “Do-a-deer-a-female-deer!” from The Sound of Music. Can anyone please tell us why the hell they’re singing this? And while you’re at it, can anyone think of any other odd ball International chants. The Italians breaking into the White Stripes Seven Nation Army at the last World Cup instantly comes to mind. As does the German’s singing “Football’s Coming Home” wihtout a trace of irony. So have you heard any other gems? Do Slovakia sing James Blunt? Do Russia sing Back in the USSR?

It was with much sadness that the yellow breaking news Sky Sports scrolly thing delivered us the news that Ian Porterfield had died last night. The double-hard Scotsman was probably best known for his time as a player at Sunderland, but he was also an international and Premier League manager.
Here, then as a mini tribute to the chap, are his top 10 sporting achievements as we see it. If you have any memories of Porterfield’s reign at your particular club / country please let us know…

If you’re shouting names at your computer screen now, there’s a new football quiz that might be right up your street. It’s called Who The Chicken Hell Are You? (clever) and it’s thanks to the betting into folk at Chicken Dinner.
Frankly some of the chickeny quizes are easier than pulling a chav in KFC. We got 12 out of 12 in the “When We Were Young Category” where you supposed to guess who the player is from their youth team mug shot. That’s worryingly easy since we’ve only got two GCSEs and a certificate officially labeling us “special”. However the other categories, are more taxing, more fun, and frankly if someone doesn’t tell us who the top right bloke in the “receeding” section is soon we might burst.
Anyway if you like quizzes, get there now by clicking the word quiztastic. And don’t forget to let us know how you scored…

aaaaagroundskeeper-wille.jpgWe’ll be honest we very rarely read the Glasgow Evening Times, due to (a) Pies HQ being 500 miles from Glasgee, and (b) us being HUGE fans of the Glasgow Evening Echo. But yesterday we read the future deep-fried pizza wrapper, whilst researching a feature about head-butting we’re trying to cobble together for some posh magazine. Anyway (or “anyhoo!” as they say in Glasgee) we’ll get to our point. Och!
The paper carried a story on the Tartan Army that has frankly warmed our cold cold heart. The thousands of kilt wearing legends, yesterday bravely forced the French police to re-open their favourite pub without remotely resorting to violence / croissant chucking. It’s a story that puts most football supporters to shame (and even more so us, for illustrating this story with Groundskeeper Willy from The Simpsons)…

aaaaa1628310.jpgImagine we were one country. Men from Stoke could proudly walk through Paris wearing a tartan dress, the people of Wales would know what victory felt like, and England’s goalkeeping “crisis” (though that’s technically a bit of a strong word for poor Robbo) would be solved in a jiffy.
So if we were just one nation battling for qualification together, who would you pick in your starting eleven tomorrow night (injuries taken into account, so no Rooney or Healy I’m afraid). For our pick click onward…

He’s the Sevilla striker who might cause England a few headaches on Wednesday that’s who. He’s never lost a game in which he’s faced Paul Robinson (and he scored past him too in Sevilla’s UEFA cup victory over Spurs). So should John Terry, Steve McCarrot and Paul Robinson fear the vodka guzzler? Here’s his best bit on film (complete with delightful Avril Lavigne soundtrack)…

aaaaa74347703.jpgThe weekend after an international break is always a popular time for a chairman to boot out his manager. You’ve had a couple of weeks to argue with your unwanted employee without the hassle of training interfering with ruck time, plus there’s plenty of spare time for a little light tapping up of a replacement. So who’s most likely to get the hoof after even the sniff of a bad result next weekend. Here’s the top ten as we see it…

aaaaa3449620%20copy.jpg Talk of ex Newcastle bloke Sir Fred buying poor Leeds from Sir Ken, which of these two elderly evils would you prefer in charge of your club? Let’s compare the two…

Punch Russian football into the interweb, you’ll get about ten sites offering near naked Russian foxes booting balls about, about 1000 sites yapping on about Roman Abramovich, a little about kids kicking balls on ice, and a truck load of grown men kicking lumps out of each other. The featured video, is an organised Moscow soccer brawl which reminds us of that newscaster brawl on the brilliant Will Ferrell movie Anchorman.
There’s still a major, major hooligan problem in Russia, much of it worryingly seems to stem around race and anti-semitism. So is New Wembley in danger of witnessing it’s first hoolie trouble this week? Fingers crossed no, but we’d be interested to hear what any of you with experience or knowledge of Russian football have to think on the matter. Let us know with your comments below.

aaaaa76630948.jpgJust because you’re a talented female footballer, and the Women’s World Cup is currently rocking China, doesn’t mean you escape the clutches of Who Ate All The Pies Horror Hair shaming.
Look at the state of the mullet of Germany star Melanie Behringer. At a guess we’d rate it at 15% ginger, but all of it is ill advised. Could this be the worst hair cut in female football? Let us know if you’ve seen a bigger shocker…

aaaaa76591719.jpgBrilliant crooning ex AC Milan keeper (he was on the books but never played) Luciano Pavorotti has his giant bearded face beamed onto the Wembley scoreboard prior to the Euro 2008 qualifier between England and Israel.
Photo Ryan Pierse / Getty Images

aaaaa76595589.jpgIt was almost quite heart warming to hear Bentley booed by England fans at the weekend. With so many empty seats as corporate goons stuffed their faces with Wembley frois graux and prawn sangers, the rings of boos every time the Blackburn winger touched the ball, let the world know real England fans were also in the ground. Fans who were (rightly!) disgusted that the hugely gifted Arsenal reject had snubbed an under-21 call up in the summer. But this got us thinking, what other grrrrrrrreat players have been booed by England fans…
Photo: Getty

Now we know Scotty Parker has been out of the England scene for a long while now, but we had no idea he felt so strongly about his lack of inclusion in the England team. Here he can seen having a massive punch up with poor Steve McCarrot.
Umm, what do you mean they’re ice hockey player who just happen to have the same names. Parker’s wearing the stripes of Newcastle! Umm, what? He plays for West Ham now? God, when did that happen? Anyway, it’s a great ruck. Enjoy…


Fiendish Friday Quiz

September 7th, 2007

harryredknapp.jpg 1. Who was the first black player to score a hat-trick for England?
2. Who is in the photo?
3. Which Premier League goal keeper keeps a bottle of Holy water in the back of his goal at every game?
4. True or false. Edgar Davids was completely blind until the age of five.
5. What six clubs did Dennis Wise play for?
6. What the hell does Mickey Adams do these days?

a74d_1_sbl.JPGThe 1950 World Cup in Brazil was when a cheeky li’l nipper named Edson Arantes do Nascimento (AKA Pele) clutched onto a radio and decided he wanted to become a football God. The goal machine who now helps out men who can’t get erections, was only nine, knee high to a goose, but deeply moved by Uruguay’s shock defeat of Brazil in the final. So after the final whistle went, legend has it he went out and built a ball out of socks, and started training day in day out so he could win the trophy back for Brazil. Eight years later he did just that.
Now, one of the Uruguayans who broke Pele’s heart in 1950 is flogging his World Cup winners medal on eBay. We reckon it’s probably one of their grandkids as most of the players are dead. But whoever’s medal it is, bidding is currently at a ridiculously low £0. Seriously. This is a part of World Cup history! Like owning a snippet of Bobby Charlton’s comb over. We would give you the link, but frankly we’re just going to buy it ourselves and then lie to our friends that our Granddad was from Uruguay and he beat Brazil to win the World Cup once. Nobody would ever believe that crap? Oh, alright, here’s the link….

England V Israel
Lawro 2-0, Pies 3-0
Lawro is claiming width will be the key, and we have to agree with him here. Joe Cole should get his chance to show Jose Mourinho exactly what he’s made of, and why he shouldn’t be stuck on the bench for Chelsea. An early goal is key, if Wembley turn on England, this could go belly up very quickly, but at the end of day, it is Israel we’re playing not Argentina…

mclaren.jpgFormer drunk Tony Adams has come out in the press today to compare Steve McLaren with turnips Graham Taylor. The Sun even dare call poor Steve a McTurnip. There are of course two minor problems with this theory. Firstly, Steve McShinyteeth lacks the tactical knowledge of Taylor, secondly the turnip has already been taken in England manager folklore. As of course has the swede.
So lets think outside the box here. What vegetable mosts suits McLaren? For our money it has to be the artichoke…

1 Waiting with baited breath for the Sunday tabloids to see what trouble he had got himself into this week.
2 The fact that he seemed to be at every Premier League ground every Saturday.
3 Errrr, well, er, impersonating his, er, post-match interviews, of course.

Nancy’s early season form is looking less like fluke with each match. They are two points clear at the top-of-the-table with a game in hand following their 2-0 victory over St Etienne. Carlos Kim (the guy upside down in the picture above) and Marc-Antoine Fortune were on the scoresheet.

rachelyankey.gifThe latest of our slightly reductive attempts to explain the skill of England’s women by comparing them to blokes they sort of play a bit like.