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Who ate all the pies

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Against Blackburn at the weekend, Chelsea forward Salomon Kalou had a perfectly fair goal disallowed by a linesman (Peter Kirkup) who didn’t seem to realise you can’t be offside if you are behind the ball.

This has to be one of my favourite Shit Lookalikes for a while, so many thanks to Dave Harris (who edits his own fine Fulham blog, The Hammy End Chronicle) for sending it in. For younger readers, DeBarge is an RnB singer who was big in the 80s. If DeBarge played football, he’d also be a shoo-in for his own Horror Hair entry.

Props to Pies reader Piotr for sending this our way. This vid is apparently taken from a Polish league match between Górnik Zabrze and Cracovia Kraków. Marcin Cabaj, the goalkeeper for Cracovia makes himself look, in the words of Piotr, ‘like some random crack junkie put between the posts’. Quite…

A magical piece of improvisation by Zampagna to snatch a point for 10-man Atalanta – the Fiorentina keeper was caught totally off guard.
Via 101GreatGoals

Thanks to Pies reader Natasha Stephan for emailing in this shit lookalike. Like Rooney, Barrett is a young (22), pugnacious striker. Okay, Rooney has a slightly higher profile, but Chad is no schmuck and has already played for the US at junior level.

1 Cesc Fabregas (pictured after scoring against Spurs at the weekend) is so good it scares me. Two assists and one goal in the North London derby, and, as Arseblog points out, it wasn’t even his best performance of the season. Is there a more valuable player in the Premier League right now? (Answer: no, there isn’t)
2 I’m no West Ham fan, but it was great to see Dean Ashton score his first goal since the 2006 FA Cup final. Of course, the fact he’s in my fantasy football team has nothing to do with it!
3 More good news for Man City fans – this Michael Johnson fellow looks a bit tasty (click here to see his goal against Villa). And he’s still only 19. Suddenly the future of English football looks bright.

Kickster is Shiny Media’s new blog dedicated to women’s football. With the women’s World Cup in full swing (and England set to play Argentina in a crunch group match later today, at 1pm), Kickster brings you all the latest news, plus match reports and gossip. After the World Cup has finished, it’ll be back to […]

Tottenham v Arsenal 3-1 , Lawro 1-1, Pies 1-1 Birmingham v Bolton 1-0, Lawro 1-1, Pies 2-1 Chelsea v Blackburn 0-0, Lawro 2-0, Pies 2-1 Everton v Man Utd 0-1, Lawro 1-2, Pies 1-2 Portsmouth v Liverpool 0-0 Lawro 1-1, Pies 0-2 Sunderland v Reading 2-1, Lawro 2-0, Pies 1-1 West Ham v Middlesbrough 3-0, […]

There was a lot to frighten a football fan at Stamford Bridge this weekend. Flying boots leaving players hospitalised? Check! Ranting Portugueser? Check! Shocking linesman? Check! Shevchenko playing like a Rushden & Diamonds part timer? Check check check!
All frightening, but what the hell spooked Robbie Savage here? Let us know what you think, and we’ll post some kind of answer just as soon as Mr Savage’s agent picks up his phone…

susinano.gifGreetings Pies folk! This post is directed directly at you, directly. Not that all the usual posts aren’t, but, er, anyway – WE HAVE A WHO ATE ALL THE PIES COMMUNITY, is what I’m trying to say.

Yesterday we broke the news that drugs fan Peter Doherty is to manage his own football team. Eek. Well in illustrating that piece we unearthed a crusty old photo of the QPR crooner having a kick about. It got us thinking, just what kind of a player can someone that messed up make? Technically we always think we play 10% better with a hangover. And Gazza was great, as was Tony Adams even in his glug-glug-drivey-drivey period, but on the other hand you’ve never seen Keith Richards playing for England have you.
Anyway our answer has been delivered with this clip. We’d rate Doherty’s ball skills about 1.2 out of 10…

Poor Michael Owen has suffered more cruel injuries than a nymphomaniac hedgehog in recent times. So his electric form for England must have brought a smile to every face in Newcastle, who have still yet to see him at his best in a stripy shirt.
But is a fit Owen really too good to be true Geordies? Tragically there’s still three whole days to get through before your game against Derby, here’s what we think will probably go wrong in that time…


Fiendish Friday Quiz

September 14th, 2007

not%20the%20KKK.jpg1) At which club did Didier Drogba and Florent Malouda play for together, before Chelsea
2) Which club has this (pictured) beast as its mascot? (He’s not a KKK klansman we promise.)
3) Which 72 year old wrinkly FA cup winner is assistant manager at Watford?
4) How many different clubs has Steve Coppell managed?
5) Which Blackburn player fronts a boy band called The Players?
6) Who play at Moss Rose? (Clue: their bitterest rivals play at Moss Lane.)

Life was a daily struggle for poor Sam The Eagle on The Muppet Show. The miserable feathered censor would be the constant figure of hatred as he tried to make a bunch of muppets put on a good show. Sounds a bit like poor Mick’s job at Wolves really…

aaaaaa56030322.jpgOnly yesterday on Pies, we discussed Robin Friday being sent off after defecating in Lawro’s kitbag and then headbutting the poor Beeb pundit who used to have a smashing lip tickler. Today, it’s not the binge drinking cult legend Friday going toe to toe with Lawro, its us. But fear not, our bowels will not be unleashing any of last night’s balti onto Lawro’s gym kit, we’ll merely be seeing how we compare to him predicting this week’s Premier League games. Let’s get it on, starting with Martin Jol’s last ever game as a Spurs manager (probably)…

Tottenham v Arsenal
, Lawro 1-1, Pies 1-1
Birmingham v Bolton, Lawro 1-1, Pies 2-1
Chelsea v Blackburn, Lawro 2-0, Pies 2-1
Everton v Man Utd, Lawro 1-2, Pies 1-2
Portsmouth v Liverpool Lawro 1-1, Pies 0-2
Sunderland v Reading, Lawro 2-0, Pies 1-1
West Ham v Middlesbrough, Lawro 2-0, Pies 1-0
Wigan v Fulham, Lawro 1-0, Pies 1-1

ssss74200895.jpgBRRRRRRRREAKING NEWS! Slightly smelly super hoops fan Pete Doherty apparently wants to become a football manager. According to a report on today, the singer who once said “QPR is the only thing he prefers to narcotics”, is being lined up to manage a team suitable name Doherty FC. The team will then face celebrity opposition (Ralph Little and friends) on telly. As much as we hate most celebrity football, we’d actually love to see that. So who would be in the Babyshambles Moss poker’s starting eleven. Click continue reading to see who we think he’d be most at ease with…

ssss76706121.jpgSpare a moment’s thought for Viacheslav Malafeev. Not only is he called Viacheslav Malafeev, he played in goal for Russia last night. There was nothing he could do to stop Owen’s absolute screecher, as brilliantly captured here. And how nice was it to see Michael back in the kind of form? Newcastle fans must be simply gagging to see what kind of damage he’s going to cause against poor Derby on Monday…

Photo: Laurence Griffiths / Getty Images

ssss76704751.jpg Och! We’d already typed up our response for plucky Scotland’s brave performance against a rampant France last night. The brave jocks battled hard for 60 minutes at which point the Frenchers stepped things up a gear and ground out a 2-0 victory. That’s what should have happened, but the wee lassy AKA Lady Fate hate different things in mind. Her plan was for Scotland to win? Madness…
So “Och laddy!” you better toss my caber, because the skirt wearing gingers left the footballing world shell-shocked by beating France in France. Genuinely. It happened. Alreet? Nae bother.
Surely this has to be one of the haggis chomping McFootballers finest ever achievements? In our books, we’ve got it as their number two…
Photo: Getty

sssssir%20steve.jpgOkay, okay, we’ll be the first to admit it, we doubted Saint Steve’s capabilities at an international level. Yes, yes, we compared Lord McLaren to an artichoke (God’s worst vegetable) and laughed at his rubbish goldeny hair (well, what’s left of it). But we’ll also be first to admit that thanks to some of his wild decisions, England cruised to a much needed six points out of six. If it had gone tits up, decisions like playing Heskey would have seen him brutally destroyed faster than a kebab snuck into Fat Camp.
But were these brave decisions down to luck or genius, here’s how Pies sees it…

chimp_at_typewriter.jpg In mere hours time Wembley’s corporate boxes will be full of football fans stuffing their faces with lobster while their seats sit empty and England play Russia. Whatever the result tomorrow, one thing we can guarantee is that our red top Fleet Street friends at The Sun, Star and Mirror will come up with some glorious Soviet based headline puns. So can we beat them to it? Here’s our top guesses at what the hacks will go for, hopefully you lot can do even better…

aaa76550779.jpgLaughing at Germans has always been fun. With their love of the sausage, massive moustaches, and fondness of invading France, they’re not only easy targets, they haven’t a clue at why you’re chortling at them due to the fact most German’s lack laughing genes. Which is why we took such pride in poking gentle fun at their lady football star’s terrible mullet earlier in the week. As our sides reached splitting point looking at her gingery Barnet, we started getting comments. Apparently England’s very own Sue Smith has worse hair. A few phone calls and a google search confirmed this. Not only is it a bleached mullet. She’s tried to squeeze it into bunches. There’s litterally three hairstyles happening at once here. None of them good…

aaaParis-eiffel-tower%20copy.jpgBREAKING NEWS! According to reports on TalkSport the famous tartan army have just reached the Eiffel Tower… in their thousands. Apparently up to 15,000 jocks are converging on the giant froggy hunk of steel for a bit of a party and a sing song.
That’s all fine, until you find out what they’re singing. “Do-a-deer-a-female-deer!” from The Sound of Music. Can anyone please tell us why the hell they’re singing this? And while you’re at it, can anyone think of any other odd ball International chants. The Italians breaking into the White Stripes Seven Nation Army at the last World Cup instantly comes to mind. As does the German’s singing “Football’s Coming Home” wihtout a trace of irony. So have you heard any other gems? Do Slovakia sing James Blunt? Do Russia sing Back in the USSR?

It was with much sadness that the yellow breaking news Sky Sports scrolly thing delivered us the news that Ian Porterfield had died last night. The double-hard Scotsman was probably best known for his time as a player at Sunderland, but he was also an international and Premier League manager.
Here, then as a mini tribute to the chap, are his top 10 sporting achievements as we see it. If you have any memories of Porterfield’s reign at your particular club / country please let us know…

If you’re shouting names at your computer screen now, there’s a new football quiz that might be right up your street. It’s called Who The Chicken Hell Are You? (clever) and it’s thanks to the betting into folk at Chicken Dinner.
Frankly some of the chickeny quizes are easier than pulling a chav in KFC. We got 12 out of 12 in the “When We Were Young Category” where you supposed to guess who the player is from their youth team mug shot. That’s worryingly easy since we’ve only got two GCSEs and a certificate officially labeling us “special”. However the other categories, are more taxing, more fun, and frankly if someone doesn’t tell us who the top right bloke in the “receeding” section is soon we might burst.
Anyway if you like quizzes, get there now by clicking the word quiztastic. And don’t forget to let us know how you scored…

aaaaagroundskeeper-wille.jpgWe’ll be honest we very rarely read the Glasgow Evening Times, due to (a) Pies HQ being 500 miles from Glasgee, and (b) us being HUGE fans of the Glasgow Evening Echo. But yesterday we read the future deep-fried pizza wrapper, whilst researching a feature about head-butting we’re trying to cobble together for some posh magazine. Anyway (or “anyhoo!” as they say in Glasgee) we’ll get to our point. Och!
The paper carried a story on the Tartan Army that has frankly warmed our cold cold heart. The thousands of kilt wearing legends, yesterday bravely forced the French police to re-open their favourite pub without remotely resorting to violence / croissant chucking. It’s a story that puts most football supporters to shame (and even more so us, for illustrating this story with Groundskeeper Willy from The Simpsons)…