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Who ate all the pies

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I could have predicted two things before last night’s Liverpool/Maccabi Haifa match. The first being the ever reliable Clive Tyldsley saying that Peter Crouch has got ‘a good touch for a big man’ and secondly, that the match itself would be one of the dullest in history. Will the alleged title contenders please step forward?

Aston Villa v Reading Rejuvenated Villa will have too much for Steve Coppell’s team: 3-1Blackburn v Everton Not a match I’d pay to watch, I must admit. Hope the two teams prove me wrong and it’s a six-goal thriller, but I can’t see it: 0-0Charlton v Man Utd Tough fixture for Charlton, but at least […]

That Cristiano, he’s a crazy guy! Look at the way he casually nutmegs this tubby, middle-aged official – I’m sure Richard Dunne would give the Portuguese winger more problems. Hmm, then again…

One of the greatest goals in FA Cup history. What a run, what a goal, what a chest rug! (Gooners, look away now)

In the first of a weekly series of dilemmas/tricky questions, we start with the following teaser: Who would you rather have in your team’s central defence:Pascal Cygan or Jean-Alain Boumsong (who, btw, has just been offloaded to some little club in Italy called Juventus)? Hmm, that is a tough one. All opinions welcome…

Seeing an ugly footballer with a stunning blonde always puts me in mind of Mrs Merton’s classic one-liner to Debbie McGee: ‘So, Debbie, what first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?’ It’s a sad fact of life that not all famous people are blindingly attractive. Anyway, after extensive research, we can reveal that the Top […]

Whilst I’ve been away for the weekend, without access to any football, I’ve sat around daydreaming about my fave moments in football. One of them has been posted on YouTube. I had a video called ‘World’s Greatest Footballers Vol2′ (I never did get to see Volume 1) which had a stunning strike by Hugo Sanchez. […]

Football is tribal. You pledge your allegiance to a team and you don’t budge. That’s the way it’s supposed to work anyway. My first love has always been Bolton Wanderers. Over the years, I’ve acquired soft spots for teams. Some make sense. Some don’t. For example, my second team I keep an eye on is […]

I’ve been away this weekend and missed the footy highlights. Imagine my glee when I saw this. Goal. Of. The. Season. Yes, this early on. Mof Gimmers (Bolton Wanderers Fan)

Every football manager’s office should have one of those ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here…’ signs. Because, obviously, you do have to be mad to want to be a football manager. Some bosses are madder than others, naturally. Take a look at this lot, for example:

I admit my first reaction was to drop my bacon sandwich. Then I laughed, cause Eyal Berkovic was a bit of a diva, as I recall. He probably deserved it for taking that girly swing at Big John.

Good WeekendMartin O’Neill Great to have him back. Early signs that he’ll do for Villa what he did for Leicester.Cristiano Ronaldo/Wayne Rooney Best friends again. Aww, they make a lovely couple.Swindon Town Four wins in four league games now for Dennis Wise’s team. Bad WeekendLucas Neill Feted as one of the best centre-backs in the […]

Maybe losing out on Dirk Kuyt wasn’t such a bad thing. It now seems likely that Newcastle United will land Inter’s Obafemi Martins instead. I think he’ll terrify Premier League defenders…

I love British football’s black sense of humour – we may not be the best footballers in the world, but by God we can take the piss out of our enemies better than anyone else, as this Chelski-mocking Stamford Oilers t-shirt proves. It’s available from T-Shirts365, for £14.99. Because every team deserves a Russian billionaire.

Tha arrival of Khalid Boulahrouz (see previous post) got me thinking – who is the hardest player ever to play the beautiful game in Britain? Nominations on a postcard please (or you could just post a comment). A few names to conjure with: Duncan Ferguson, Mick Harford (pictured), Vinnie Jones, Roy Keane, Julian Dicks, Dave […]

Dutch hardman Khalid Boulahrouz has completed his move to Chelsea. He goes by the nickname ‘Cannibal’, which is one of the best nicknames we’ve had in the Premier League for ages. That’s exactly what football needs: more intimidating, WWF-style nicknames. Any more nickname suggestions? Oh, here’s a brief clip of Khalid the Cannibal clattering Ronaldo […]

Nicolas Anelka has been shooting his mouth off again, this time with claims that he’s very close to signing for Bolton. If Big Sam can control Le Sulk, this could turn out to be an inspired signing. Anelka’s still only 27, after all, and we know he can play a bit, as this fancy dribble […]

One down, 37 to go. Here’s our inaugural Premier League team of the week. A few surprise names in there:Paddy Kenny (Sheff Utd)Patrice Evra (Man Utd)Sol Campbell (Portsmouth)John Terry (Chelsea)Olof Mellberg (Aston Villa)Michael Essien (Chelsea)Scott Parker (Newcastle)Cristiano Ronaldo (Man Utd)Wayne Rooney (Man Utd)Kanu (Portsmouth)Dave Kitson (Reading) Do you agree? Who have we missed out?

1 So much for Alan Shearer’s prediction that Wayne Rooney would ‘stick one on Ronaldo’ when they returned to Old Trafford after the World Cup. Man Utd’s ruthless 5-1 defeat of hapless Fulham proved that Rooney just loves to play football – at one stage, it seemed as it R&R’s love-in might see them hold […]

Ashley Cole is NOT in Arsenal’s squad for their Premiership opener against Aston Villa, despite claiming he is available to play. Ooh, the plot thickens. Can we assume that this means a deal has been struck with Chelsea? If so, why hasn’t it been announced yet? Arseblog, who usually know what the craic is, seems […]

With just one day to go before the Premier League season begins, now is the perfect time to reveal to you, dear readers, our fearless predictions for the 2006/07 season. We’ve gazed longingly into our crystal ball and we think the table’s going to end up looking something like this…

Time’s running out fast if you want to join our Premiership fantasy football league  – we’re doing the free-to-enter Metro one but we’ll also be offering top monthly prizes of our own (cool gadgets, footie shirts etc.) – add a comment to this post or email me, and I’ll send you an invite. The deadline […]

Why didn’t Roy Keane and Patrick Vieira ever get the chance to go at each other like this?

Woah, he’s lost his weird Canadian/German/British accent, hasn’t he?

Liverpool have agreed a fee with Feyenoord for Dutch international Dirk Kuyt. That’ll piss off Newcastle, who also wanted the blonde striker. Kuyt will now undergo the usual medical and agree personal terms before completing a move believed to be worth around £10m. I may be proved wrong, but from what I’ve seen of Kuyt, […]