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Who ate all the pies

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Little Michael Owen is prepared to defy club manager Sam Allardyce by passing himself fit, against the Newcastle medical team’s advice, for England’s Euro 2008 qualifier against Estonia this Saturday. Big Sam, understandably, is unhappy with Owen’s country-above-club stance: ‘I don’t know whether two games in such a short space of time is right,’ the […]

Cristiano Ronaldo has offered an olive branch to Jose Mourinho after the pair became embroiled in a row at the end of last season, which ended with the ex-Chelsea boss claiming Ronaldo ‘lacked class’. But, in a surprising U-turn, Ronaldo has shown he bears no ill feeling towards Jose: ‘English football will miss Jose Mourinho. […]

The chaps on the Guardian’s excellent Football Weekly podcast alerted me to this save by the oft-maligned Valdes, and since I hadn’t seen it, I hunted it down on YouTube, especially for you. It’s certainly a fine double save, although not quite in the same league as Jim Montgomery’s famous effort for Sunderland in the […]

A touch of A-list glamour came to Loftus Road last night, in the form of supermodel Naomi Campbell. She was accompanied by ex-boyfriend and Renault F1 boss Flavio Briatore, who has been sniffing around QPR of late. C-lister Tamara Beckwith – didn’t she used to be some sort of useless IT girl? – was also […]

A pilot who let scaredycat Robbie Savage on to the flight deck has been sacked for breaking anti-terrorism rules. Ex-RAF pilot Pablo Mason, who sports a tremendous handlebar moustache, was shown the door by Mytravel after letting Savage near the controls in an attempy to ease his fear of flying. Savage had been travelling with […]

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We don’t want Teutonic Tuesday to become Bayern Munich-watch, but it is impossible to ignore them when they keep putting three or four goals past every team they come up against and dominating the Bundesliga. Just ask Nuremburg – the latest victims served up for Bayern by the fixture list – who were on the receiving end of a Luca Toni brace and a Ze Roberto goal at the weekend.

Time for a little game of What Was The Chinese Goalkeeper Thinking? again. The initial keeping from Qingdao Zhongneng goalie Li Shuai is a little dodgy, but Paul Robinson gets away with palming the ball to opposition strikers most weeks so we can’t be too harsh there. He then gets a bit of luck when the ball bounces off the crossbar, so why does he head the ball into his own net instead of catching it? Answers on an e-postcard please.

blackpool%20rock.jpgPlymouth manager and philosophical genius Ian Holloway told a Blackpool fan where he could put a stick of rock – in his ear. Ollie reacted when the Tangerines fan branded Argyle players thugs.

One’s an 80s popstar who couldn’t actually sing while the other is a footballer who’s also been fluffing his lines until recently. Via Man United Pies

It’s sort of a rhetorical question, because to my mind he is definitely the worst player in the top flight. I’ve seen him in the flesh a couple of times this season and he’s been truly shite, of a standard you’d expect of players in League One or worse. Quite why Lawrie Sanchez bought him, […]

This clip from the Australian A-League shows Newcastle Jets’s Joel Griffiths somehow managing to hit the assistant referee in the balls without any complaint from the official!

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Lionel Messi was instrumental as Barcelona demolished Atletico Madrid 3-0 at the weekend. The Argentine made one and scored one to keep the Catalan club within two points of table-topping Real Madrid. The league leaders also kept up their winning ways by beating Recreativo Huelva 2-0. At the other end of the scale, Levante have just one point to their name after seven games.

Wow, I’m surprised her head stayed on her shoulders. She got OWNED, as they say Stateside. Noob. By the way, this isn’t funny – I posted it as a warning to all dads and uncles who think it’s safe to have a garden-based kickabout with kids in the area… Ok, it’s a little bit funny.

Who predicted that the most successful transfer of the summer would involve Shakhtar Donetsk and Man City? Not me, for one. But this Sven chap clearly knows his stuff – signing playmaker Elano Blumer has been a masterstroke. The Brazilian put in yet another man-of-the-match performance, in City’s 3-1 stroll against Middlesbrough yesterday. Elano is […]

‘Where’s your wooden spoons Gaz?’ asks Dave. ‘I haven’t a fooking clue’ is the gist of Gary’s answer. Excellent stuff from football’s oddest couple – this is taken from a documentary titled ‘The Real David Beckham’, which was shown on Sky about five years ago, if I remember rightly. Aw, what a lovely couple they […]

In a match that could be mirrored by the Rugby World Cup final, Argentina took on England in the final of the Gay World Cup at the end of last month. Unfortunately, the result was not what we wanted. Argentina’s Los Dogos defeated English title-holders Stonewall FC 1-0 in Buenos Aires. With their victory, Los […]

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Dean Ashton’s latest injury setback means England could once again be lacking in bulky link-up/target-men. One man who fits into this category who has never been given his chance at international level is Bolton’s Kevin Davies.

Meet Jo (full name: Joao Alves de Assis Silva), a Brazilian striker who plays for CSKA Moscow, sporting the ‘windswept crackhead’ look during a league game against FC Vladivostok at the weekend. Tame that hair Jo!

Yet another nomination from Pies reader Chringle. There’s definitely an element of shitness to this one, but I see where he’s coming from. Personally, I think Mikel Arteta looks more like a Mediterranean Michael Vaughan.

Brazilian striker Alfonso Alves, a reported target for Man Utd and several other Prem clubs, just added a nought or two to his value by scoring SEVEN goals for Heerenveen against SE Heracles this weekend – for the record, Heerenveen won the game 9-0: What’s the proper name for a double hat-trick plus one? I […]

Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham
Craig Gardner won the match for Villa, but Dean Ashton is now a doubt for England after picking up a knee injury.
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1 With Paul Robinson fumbling a shot to leave Andriy Voronin with an easy tap-in – and nearly giving another goal away later on – the Spurs keeper’s England place must be in doubt. He is clearly not the in-form English goalkeeper, so he should not be England number 1.

Pies is loving this ad, which I guess comes from Sweden or some other Scando country where it’s acceptable to show a guy photocopying his butt cheeks. This office worker has some awesome skills, although I kind of suspect that it’s a fake!

Watched by fellow football legend Johann Cruyff, Sir Bobby Charlton tees off at the Alfred Dunhill Links Championship. As well as Charlton and Cruyff, Ruud Gullit and Matt le Tissier are among the ex-pros who turned up to play in the tournament in Scotland. Photo Matthew Lewis/Getty Images

Okay, I’ve just done a post about Sepp Blatter and his idea to introduce a quota system into European football, whereby clubs could field no more than five foreigners. In the Prem, this would obviously mean that managers – yes, Arsene, that includes you – would have to sign loads more English players to ensure […]