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Who ate all the pies

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Nancy and Le Mans finished level on points last season in distinctly mid-table positions. They are level on points again three games into the Ligue Un season, but both have a 100 per cent record and are top of the table. As you can imagine, Le Mans set the pace headlines are de rigeur. Pre-season favourites Lyon and Marseille are both languishing in the bottom-half of the table, although Lyon have a game in hand.

57579372.jpgEddie Murphy impersonator, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, has teamed up with Robbie Fowler at Cardiff City in what once would have been a dream partnership in the Premier League.

There is the football season, and then there is seasonal football. My guess is that as soon as this pitch gets a bit waterlogged, you get out of there! This pitch is slap bang in the middle of the Rio Almanzora, in Andalucia, Spain, which is fine until the snow melts and it rains in the mountains. Any more suggestions for football pitches in unusual location, Pies fans?

sven%20mobile.jpgA student has been receiving good luck messages and player offers intended for Sven Goran Eriksson. Christina Tambaros was assigned the number used by Eriksson when he was England boss after he quit last year. The 17-year-old received messages from former Charlton boss Les Reed and PFA chairman Gordon Taylor, and an offer to take Inter Milan midfielder Aparecido Rodrigues Cesar on a free transfer from his agent.

o%27connor%20hair.jpgBirmingham City’s Garry O’Connor is getting all geographical with his disastrous barnet. On top he has been building mountains, but down below there are waves. O’Connor was born in Edinburgh, which also happens to be the hometown of the Bay City Rollers. Coincidence? We think not. Could we be on the verge of a mullet revival? Let’s hope so, Horror Hair fans!

With a combined cost of around £250m, even Roman’s roubles would be stretched to afford this team consisting of the most expensive players (in their position) in the Premier League.

Pitch invader extraordinaire Jimmy Jump has been up to his old tricks again. The Barca fan – most famous for ‘jumps’ at the 2006 Champions League semi-final between Villareal and Arsenal and the 2007 Champions League final – entered the fray once again at the Catalan giants’ friendly with Bayern Munich yesterday.

2403664.jpgIs it just me, or does Cristiano Ronaldo have a new free kick routine?

US%20soccer%20ball.jpgIn case anyone missed Channel 5’s new MLS programme that’s being fronted by Soccer AM’s Tim Lovejoy, I have to comment on some bizarre sporting expressions being bandied about by Stateside commentators.

It is becoming an annual tradition for Italian clubs to be thrown out of Europe at this time of the season (and then let in again in some instances). This season it is Lazio who many people want to be banned from the Uefa Cup after crowd violence and racist chanting overshadowed their 1-1 draw with Dinamo Bucharest on Tuesday night. Five Romanians were injured in clashes at the match and one remains in hospital after being stabbed in the side.

Becks found the net (and perhaps even more miraculously, the pitch) in LA Galaxy’s victory over DC United in the SuperLiga. The goal came on 28 minutes, and he also set up Landon Donovan for a second goal. Beckham, who was made captain for the game, lasted 63 minuted before he was substituted. He said: “It was nice to get the early goal, but it was not just about my goal and Landon’s goal. I think it was a team performance that was exceptional, we worked hard as a team and played hard as a team and we won as a team. So it was more pleasing for the performance.”

Portsmouth 1-1 Manchester United
Cristiano Ronaldo grimaces after being shown a red card for violent conduct.

Jamie Carragher has confirmed that he will not return to international football. After finally getting a guaranteed first team place, the Scouse defender has decided he doesn’t want it – but is he sticking to his guns or shooting himself in the foot?.

Whilst watching the Superliga game between Pachucha and Houston Dynamo (which ended 2-2 with Pachucha winning on pens), I witnessed one of the flukiest goals I’ve ever seen in my life. In fact, I’ll stick my neck out and say that Dwayne De Rosario opener is the jammiest goal in the history of football. Watch […]

76066140.jpgSven made a triumphant return to English football at the weekend when his new look Manchester City side outplayed Spurs with some of the weekend’s most attractive football.

1275780.jpgWatching the Football Years last night (on some freeview channel), I reveled in the season or 89/90. That year, Liverpool won the league, Man United won the FA Cup and most importantly, the biggest charlatan in football made his appearance…

Lampard%20Chair.jpgAs previously reported on Pies, midfield barndoor misser and KD Lang lookalike, Frank Lampard, has his own TV channel dedicated to him. Orange announced the launch of Frank TV, a mobile channel dedicated to England and Chelsea star, and will be available exclusively to the 1.3 million Orange 3G customers on its mobile phone TV service. Orange mobile TV channels also include BBC, Channel 4, Sky and FHM…

Fresh from his outspoken comments on WAGs, here is a Roy Keane t-shirt showing the Sunderland boss as Brad Pitt in the film Snatch. He becomes Pikey Mickey, the caravan-dwelling, dog-loving bareknuckle boxer, for this t-shirt from TShirts365.

Shamon motherf*cker! Remember when Michael Jackson was still black and had most of his own facial features?

Yet another of Pies’ hugely popular barrel-scraping doppelgangers series, Shit Lookalikes, for your viewing pleasure. Fulham’s Anglo-Ecuadorian-Northern Irish manager Lawrie Sanchez and his new specs are a dead ringer for Anglo-Chinese Channel 4 presenter Gok Wan, star of the WAG must-watch How To Look Good Naked.

Reigning Dutch champions PSV Eindhoven have unveiled their new star performer. He has certainly got a lot of pace, has a great engine, plus he can keep running for 90 minutes and still have plenty left in the tank. Unfortunately, for PSV’s football fans it is a car.

This spoof of Wayne Rooney’s Put It Where You Want It campaign for his new Nike boots shows Reading centre-back Michael Duberry putting it exactly where he wants it – right on top of Wazza’s paper-thin boots. Crunch goes the metatarsal.

Everton piled the pressure on Spurs boss Martin Jol with a 1-3 victory at White Hart Lane. Joleon Lescott headed Everton into an early lead after losing ‘marker’ Anthony Gardner. Gardner returned the favour by exposing Lescott’s slack marking to equalise. A second goal of the season for Leon Osman and a deflected free-kick from Alan Stubbs completed the victory.

_42023998_keane300.jpgOur question asking whether footballers are under the thumb seems to have been answered by that eternal fountain of testosterone himself, Roy Keane.

The England squad is in crisis at the moment. Why? We’ve got no strikers. Don’t think it’s that bad? Well, Steve McClaren does as he sets off for a trip to White Hart Lane this evening to watch the three leading contenders to replace Wayne Rooney in the forthcoming Euro 2008 qualifiers. Crouchistuta finds himself […]