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Who ate all the pies

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Bayern Munich are in pole position to face Manchester United in the Champions League semi-finals following their 2-2 to draw with AC Milan at the San Siro. For the return leg tonight expect the Germans to be kitted out in this football/rugby hybrid effort from the house of Adidas. To be honest I would be […]

AC Milan striker Ronaldo is the latest celebrity guest to be given The Simpsons treatment. The Brazilian – looking quite trim here next to Homer – is in an episode due to air on 22 April. His character will apparently teach Lisa how to play football, well soccer but you know… [Via The Offside, Rob […]

If Milan get past Bayern Munich tonight (a pretty big if but I think they can do it), then we’ll be treated to a Man Utd v Milan CL semi final. That means we get to watch the world’s two best players, Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo, face off. And what cute faces they are too. […]

Excellent news for both Newcastle and England is that Little Mickey Owen found the net on his return to action. The 27-year-old scored 10 minutes into his comeback against mighty Gretna in a behind-closed-doors friendly. Owen has been out of action since sustaining a sickening knee injury against Sweden in last summer’s World Cup. He […]

‘The fact that three English teams should be in the semi-finals probably makes our league the best in Europe.’ So says Alex Ferguson and who are we to argue with him? He continues: ‘Six or seven years ago Spanish football was the best. But on the evidence of this season Barcelona and Real Madrid are […]

Some Pies readers have been pondering how Zinedine Zidane still rakes in £8.5 million a year having hung up his boots. The answer is by making a living from being a formerly sweaty footballer. [Rob Parker]

‘This was the saddest night of my career…’ Francesco Totti, on the verge of tears after Roma crashed out. ‘It was a fantastic performance by every one of our players. The speed of our play and our penetration was absolutely superb… That’s absolutely the best night of European football we’ve had here.’ Alex Ferguson, a […]

In a word, wow. Who really saw this coming? Not me, for one – I predicted a draw. Simply one of the most scintillating performances by an English club in Europe, ever. Roma were pretty poor, but that was down to United’s relentless waves of attack. When Premiership teams play at such a high tempo, […]

1 Manchester United v Roma and Valencia v Chelsea: two excellent matches in very different ways. I decided to watch Manchester United first half and Chelsea second half – a good call I reckon! 2 United were absolutely unstoppable. The pace and verve of their attacking play was out of this world. Cristiano Ronaldo was […]

A couple of bets for the Man Utd v Roma tie: 1 Man Utd half-time/draw full-time (12-1) I could see United scoring in the first half, but 1-0 is a dangerous score to sit on, and Roma have the talent to strike back an go through with a draw. 2 Cristiano Ronaldo to score first […]

Seems Becks can’t kick his tat habit. He recently showed off a new forearm tattoo, apparently in tribute to Wentworth Miller’s character on Prison Break, fugitive Michael Scofield. The intricate design on his right arm includes his shirt number 23, and connects to the angel and clouds he already had on his arm. [Via Just […]

Just think how much less interesting the Premiership would be without Jose. 1 ‘Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one.’ The quote that started it all, uttered not long after Mourinho had arrived at Chelsea, in 2004. 2 ‘If I wanted to have an easy job… […]

Following yesterday’s Alistair McGowan clip, more classic football comedy on Pies courtesy of Ali G. Hear me now! Staines’ finest puts the Beckhams through the mill for Comic Relief. Includes the immortal line (while talking about the then baby Brooklyn): “So would you like him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad, […]

One of the funniest things I’ve seen all season. Everton’s defence goes one way, all except poor Joleon Lescott, who forgot he was supposed to be playing the offside trap. Even Phil Neville found it hard not to laugh about it when he was interviewed after the match.

1 Alan Mahon, Watford v Portsmouth Hit with his weaker left foot. Hate to see what he could do with his good foot. Unstoppable.

So which Pies reader has outpredicted the rest and won a cool retro t-shirt from Goalhanger? To find out, read on…

Championship sides Barnsley and Birmingham can expect the postman to leave some fairly weighty packages from the FA over the next couple of days after a 22-man brawl erupted at the end of their Easter Monday fixture. Charges and disciplinary hearings are likely to be the order of the day after the scrap at Oakwell. […]

The Guardian, amongst others, reports that wee Michael Owen – how England & Newcastle have missed his goals – will take part in a Newcastle reserves match today against a junior team from Hartlepool United. Owen is expected to play at least 45 minutes but it’s extremely doubtful that he will play for anything like […]

Oh yes! These are the sort of moments that HolloWatch exists for. This is what it is all about! This sequence of videos shows Plymouth manager Ian Holloway becoming an air hostess for the day as he performs the traditional aeroplane safety talk in sign language. It is possible that this was for the benefit […]

Roma will be kitted out in their white away shirt as they try to hold onto a 2-1 advantage against Manchester United at Old Trafford tonight. The shirt is lacking in a sponsor as the Italian outfit are yet to find a company to pass what must be a pretty stringent vetting process after 18 […]

With the Premiership title race wide open after Saturday’s results, the Mind Games Tavern is open for business once again. The Sun reports today that Alex Ferguson is pondering which fine wine to share with Jose Mourinho after Chelsea meet Man Utd in the league at Stamford Bridge: ‘The last time Chelsea came to Old […]

A special bonus quiz to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Saviour, Alan Curbishley… (answers after Mr Click) 1 York City, Sheffield Wednesday, Leicester City, Preston North End, Leeds United (current). Whose career? 2 What position did the late Pope, John Paul II, play in his youth? 3 Picture round. Aw, ain’t he cute! […]

Not a vintage selection this month, but still a couple of beauties in there, namely Cristiano Ronaldo/Wayne Rooney’s length-of-the-pitch extended one-two against Bolton and Andrei Shevchenko’s FA Cup curler against Spurs. [Via 101GreatGoals] March Goal Of The MonthUploaded by samgoff

Reigning champs Houston Dynamo couldn’t score against Becks’ LA Galaxy on opening weekend of the new MLS season. But neither could the Galaxy, so honours even for two of the league’s bigger names. Elsewhere, new boys Toronto flopped, suffering a 2-0 defeat at the hands of CD Chivas, while Chicago Fire downed New England Revolution […]

A couple of years ago, The Eleven Forty Company launched the Opus luxury football table, a bespoke work of art that cost a cool £40,000 – yes, forty grand. Their first custom-built table featured players sculpted to look exactly like real-life football idols, including Eric Cantona, Diego Maradona, Edgar Davids and Carlos Valderrama. Anyways, they’ve […]