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Who ate all the pies

Dip in to scour the latest Deadline Day titbits...

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As Alan Hansen likes to say, you can’t win the league in September – but you can lose it. Canny, Alan, canny. No one in the Pies fantasy league has lost it yet, although a couple of managers are trying their best. Congrats to new league leader Tommy, who had a storming week and wins […]

‘It is always fun to watch a game in which Celtic keeper Artur Boruc plays. The Polish international isn’t one to hide his emotions and watching him piss and moan on the pitch is as good of a reason as any to watch Celtic matches.’ [Man Utd v Celtic, The Offside]‘Again Emmanuel Eboue’s final ball […]

Portsmouth assistant manager Tony Adams has set off on the dangerous path cleared by Ian Holloway of comparing football to women. Adams claimed former club Arsenal was like an ex-girlfriend he still took an interest in. He told The Sun: "Arsenal are like an old girlfriend who you sometimes keep an eye on but I […]

The rumours earlier this week were that Alan Shearer was ready to give up his burgeoning media career and move into football management. That was before we knew about his big break though! It seems Super Al landed a part as an extra in Coronation Street earlier this week (as spotted by the excellent Corrie […]

The BBC’s latest football columnist (and budding literary critic), Bolton skipper Kevin Nolan, has revealed he is a big fan of player autobiographies. With Ashley Cole’s book currently the hot topic for discussion, Nolan has stood by the would-be authors among his fellow professionals.

You appreciate schadenfreude, right? So you want to watch all 13 goals from Germany’s demolition of San Marino? You’ve come to the right place (turn up your sound and enjoy the poignant music too)…

The latest excerpts from Ashley Cole’s sizzling autobiography reveal that he almost crashed his car when his agent told him that Arsenal had offered him just £55,000 a year, rather than the £60,000 he claimed he’d been promised. Cole writes: ‘I nearly swerved off the road. "He is taking the piss, Jonathan [Barnett, Cole's agent]!" […]

Including Chelsea’s win over Werder Bremen and Barca’s thrashing of Levski Sofia. Enjoy…

Chelsea star Michael Ballack has told The Daily Star that he can’t afford his dream home in London because house prices are too high. The German is believed to have set his heart on a six-bedroom home with a swimming pool, either in London or near Chelsea’s training ground in Cobham, Surrey. But after being […]

Newcastle assistant Kevin Bond takes a break amid bung claims [Guardian] Unemployed Swede seeks club to ruin [The Sun] Nottm Forest’s David Johnson retires with back injury [BBC Sport] Welcome to Wembley (pictured): Home of Tottenham Hotspur? [Guardian] Diego Tristan opts for Mallorca after flirting with Big Sam [BBC Sport]

Despite having nearly as much money to spend as Jose Mourinho should he ever get the urge, Harry Redknapp – media darling and one of football’s great wheeler-dealers – is mulling over a bit of a Sam Allardyce style bargain free transfer. You know the sort: washed up, big-name international who has lost his way.

We love a football nutter here at Pies. Barmy Fulham defender Moritz Volz is one of our favourites – probably second only to Ian Holloway, in fact. While some of football’s more compliant characters were partaking in a spot of international football last week, Volzy went on a holiday to Egypt.

Sorry Jerzy, but Brucie’s penalty dance is the original and still the best…

Dirk Kuyt and Craig Bellamy did very well for Liverpool in Eindhoven last night. If I was in Rafa Benitez’ shoes, I’d probably choose Kuyt/Bellamy as my first-choice strike partnership, with Peter Crouch/Robbie Fowler in reserve. The Crouch/Fowler axis is okay, but they have absolutely no pace between them, unlike Kuyt/Bellamy – and surely most […]

So I watched Chelsea v Werder Bremen last night on ITV4, partly because I thought that PSV v Liverpool (on ITV1) would be 0-0, and partly to escape the sound of Clive Tyldesley’s voice. Chelsea played well against a strong German team. The two Michaels, Ballack and Essien, were very good. Ashley Cole looked rusty […]

After world-scaring wins against Andorra (Kerpow!) and Macedonia (Zap!), England‘s superheroes are up to fourth in the world rankings, equalling our all-time high (Glenn Hoddle’s England also made it to fourth, in 1997) – that’s according to FIFA, the men who know about such things. Italy have dropped to fifth, so winning the World Cup […]

Manchester City defender Ben Thatcher has been given an eight-match ban by the FA for his horrendous forearm smash on Pedro Mendes. The ban has been back-dated to include the two games Thatcher has already missed through the internal suspension handed out by City. Is that really a long enough ban? Paolo di Canio picked […]

The Who Ate All The Pies campaign to get Jimmy Bullard into the England squad is over quicker than you can say: "Ouch, Scott. Please get off my knee." Fulham‘s chimney sweeping midfielder is likely to be out for the rest of the season after scans revealed damage to the cruciate ligament sustained when he […]

I wanted to induct Steven Gerrard into the Horror Hair Hall of Fame after the Merseyside derby, but couldn’t find a decent picture… I’ve got him now though! Stevie G is currently sporting what I would like to term the ‘grown-out Ronaldo (circa 2002)‘ to create a true pikey masterpiece. The only improvement I would […]

Watford blog site BHappy urged Hornets fans to smuggle bananas into the Reebok Stadium for last Saturday’s game against Bolton. Blogger Matt Rowson said the idea was: "In line with the national drive towards healthier eating habits and with a view to adding excitement and joy to potentially tedious away day trips." Unfortunately, Matt was […]

Arsenal might have had a terrible start to the season on the pitch but they are top of the table in the musical stakes. With accomplished mandolin and guitar player Gilberto Silva already at the club, the samba rhythm is beating well at the Emirates Stadium with the arrival of Julio Baptista. ‘The Beast’ plays […]

There is nothing like a bit of success on the pitch for a football club to bring any number of supporters out of the woodwork. Although that might aggravate the diehards, it is good business for shirt sales. Click below to read the glory-hunters’ guide to the current top kits. And for any amateur sports […]

You too can watch all the goals & highlights from the opening weekend in Italy’s Serie A (as well as highlights of Juve’s Serie B clash with Rimini). Just click on the image and away you go! PS. Newcastle fans will be delighted to know that Jean-Alain Boumsong is settling in nicely at Juve. Hmm.

In the light of Shay Given‘s overdue criticism of Newcastle’s ‘sub-pub standard defence’ (Titus, I think he means you), here’s Who Ate All the Pies’ Premiership Pub XI, featuring eleven players who you might not be surprised to find yourself up against on a rainy Sunday morning on Hackney Marshes…

Manchester City‘s young defender Micah Richards is likely to find himself in hot water after throwing a hissy-fit when substituted in the defeat at Reading last night. Here are five other great football tantrums. 5 Wayne Rooney disowns his boots much to the amusement of Stewart Downing