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20 Utterly Craptacular Football Mascots

By Chris Wright

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin…

1. Spitfire the Dog, Eastleigh FC

That hat…

(Thanks to @Iwantcurlyhair2 for the nudge)

2. Hammerhead, West Ham

Like Optimus Prime’s cross-eyed little brother…

3. Toby Tyke, Barnsley

This is what happens when you let the Wacaday wardrobe department dress your matchday mascot…

4. ???, Real Valladolid

The ’99 Valladolid side line-up alongside what appears to be a giant gormless carrot…

5. Terry Byte, Fulham

He’s a computer. It’s a clever play on ‘terabyte’ you see…

6. Jünter the Foal, Borussia Mönchengladbach

Fetlocks? More like shitlocks…

7. Darkie, Aston Villa

Harking back to a simpler, more innocent racist time…

8. Slavek and Slavko, Euro 2012

You guys just suck…

9. Lucifer’s rottweiler, Club Tijuana


10. Bazi, Bayern Munich

Had Enid Blyton been born and raised in Bavaria, Noddy would probably have looked a little like this…

11. Naranjito, 1982 Spanish World Cup

An undoubtedly loveable cool little orange fellow on paper, the whole concept broke down once the human legs were grafted on. The skirt also seems a little unnecessary…

12. Mrs Growler, Huddersfield Town


13. ???, Barcelona

Giant, one-eyed penis in an inflatable jumpsuit? Perhap, perhap…

14. Millwall Lion, Millwall

My Millwall Lion, what a lovely parasol you have…

15. Erwin, Schalke 04

Raul obviously hates him and that’s good enough for us…

16. Desmond the Dragon, Rochdale

I’ve seen more intimidating dragons in my time…

17. The Pitman, Hednesford Town

Because all miners were blue and had beaks…

18. Benny the Box, Telford United

The budget is obviously a bit tight at Telford….

19. Pilgrim Panther, Boston United

Someone’s been up all night on the Pro Plus and Strepsils…

20. Mr Testicles, Everton

The cause was a noble one (to raise awareness of testicular cancer) but the inescapable truth is that Everton dressed some poor sod up as a giant pair of hairy gonads and had him parade around Goodison…

This way for more mascot-based shenanigans on Pies.

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By Chris on April 2nd, 2012 in FAIL, Featured, Funnies, Mascots, Photos. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

30 Responses to “20 Utterly Craptacular Football Mascots”

  1. MrConbo says:

    I bet Everton fans thought Carsley and Gravesen had re-signed!

  2. Mr. Sparkle says:

    A pair of balls for a team that plays like it has none…

  3. Alan says:

    “Giant, one-eyed penis in an inflatable jumpsuit”


  4. Nicolas says:

    Hahaha this article made my day!!!

  5. David Badknob says:

    Gully’s pretty awful for Brighton; dunno why they gave him a carrot top.

  6. Charlie says:

    I once saw Changy’s suit with no-one in it on a Goodison Park tour…harrowing experience.

  7. jojo says:

    this is why I come to this site, pure class!

  8. KingEric7 says:

    The Barcelona mascot should have got together with Mr Testicles to make a complete set.

  9. pkhakheria says:

    My day is made , thank you !

  10. Alex says:

    Cannot believe Gunnersaurus didn’t make the cut or did I miss something?

  11. jake says:

    LMFAO at Benny the Box

  12. Jim says:

    The Bayern Munich Mascot was called “Bazi” – fortunately it was fired/killed/cut in pieces in 2002. Since then Bayern got the mascot “Berni the bear”.

  13. MissVee says:

    ok why is no one horrified at ‘Darkie’????

    but this is pure GOLD

  14. Guy says:

    How about the Central Coast Mariners mascot Marvin the… ummm… well I’m buggered if I know what it is!

  15. Guy says:

    @Chris Definitely not, no one with any form of talent has ever come out of the Central Coast!

  16. Dragan says:

    Spare a thought for Zakumi, in SA we all thought it was the biggest piece of sh*te ever during world cup. Crap name, crap idea.

  17. Alex says:

    I’m so happy that FCB switched to Berni the bear. It was a truly glorious day to not have to see those Lederhosen ever again.

  18. Rusty says:

    I’m pretty sure the giant gormless carrot is called Pucelo. Either way this whole list is one of the funniest things I have ever stumbled across – take a bow.

  19. nicko says:

    The Real Valladolid one is no more… but did have some relevance. They are the main team in Castilla y Leon…. Castilla meaning castle. It’s supposed to look like a castle. But yes, it’s crap.

  20. lofcfan says:

    the look on the Boston United one had me laughing for 10 mins

  21. mezzut says:

    the Rochdale dragon looks like a donkey

  22. John C says:

    Leave Naranjito out of this, without him we wouldn’t have this masterpiece-

  23. John C says:

    Leave Naranjito out of this, without him we wouldn’t have this masterpiece –

  24. Daniel R says:

    The Hednesford mascot is Mickey the Mole. Still no idea why he was blue mind…

  25. [...] Or “Club Tijuana Xoloitzcuintles de Caliente” to be precise, Tijuana are not adverse to giving their fans nightmares forever while promoting their new kits… [...]

  26. Petrovsky KSC says:

    What about the most HORRIFIC mascot a EURO has EVER come up with? BENELUCKY?

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