Euro 2012: The Psychic Animals – Your Handy ‘Cut Out And Keep’ Guide

Chris Wright

7th, June 2012


By Chris Wright

Proving that the only thing better than a cash cow is a psychic cash cow; here’s your handy ‘cut out and keep’ guide to Euro 2012’s ever-lengthening list of what we will reluctantly refer to as ‘animal psychics’…

1. Funtik the Soothsayer Hog (Kiev Fan Zone, Ukraine)

Divination method: Clairvoyant snout bucket rummage

2. Citta the Elephant (Krakow Zoo, Poland)

Divination method: Trunk-based melon fondle

3. Fred the Ferret (Karkhiv Fan Zone, Ukraine)

Divination method: Fred’s choice – hard-boiled eggs or Muesli?

4. Nimo the Otter (Aue Zoo, Germany)

Divination method: Striped sweater auto-suggestion

5. Nicholas the Llama (Ashdown Llama Park, England)

Divination method: Nudging his brightly-coloured balls

6. Paulus the Octopus (Porto Aquarium, Portugal – no relation to Il Pulpo Paul)

Divination method: Tentacle telepathy/mollusk mind-tricks

7. Yvonne the Psychic Cow (Deggendorf, Germany)

Divination method: The ‘Four-Stomach Deduction’ technique, as used by Hercule Poirot

8. Nelly the Elephant (Serengeti Safari Park, Germany)

Divination method: Pachyderm penalty prognostication

9. Dragon Fish (Fish farm, Singapore)

Divination method: Fishy far-sight

Yep, nine and counting.

Who are you backing? Personally, we’re staking everything we own on Futnik.

Posted in Euro 2012, FAIL, Featured, Funnies, Photos

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  1. Murray says:

    The llama has already proven to have a 100% track record, so I’ll stick with him.

  2. anna says:

    Paulus the Octopus? Can you say copycat? 8 out of 8, people!

  3. Toz says:

    They all look delicious.

  4. dc says:

    i really need to know whether they properly communicated with these psychic animals to let them know what kind of decision they’re making– is any of this properly regulated!?

    for example, the psychic elephant could be trying to say that Portugal will be scored ON by Germany. in that case, if the trainers are reporting that he’s pulling for portugal, when germany win a lot of angry people will be blaming the elephant for something he didnt do.

    just trying to make sure the psychic animals are properly supported…

  5. Jarren says:

    I stared at a pidgeon today and it looked a bit like Schweinsteiger, so I’m picking Germany.

    Also, the pidgeon told me Germany would win 2-1.

    It didn’t mention extra time or penalties, as it got distracted by a slither of lettuce on the floor.

  6. Joey says:

    What about Koi Hodgson?

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