15 Spectacularly Craptacular Footballers’ Cars

Chris Wright

24th, August 2012

27 Comments

By Chris Wright

Footballers, eh? Masters of making the supposedly exclusive and luxurious look well and truly nasty – and their cars are no exception…

1. Stephen Ireland’s Pink-Trim Range Rover

We’ll start by getting all of Stephen Ireland’s infamously misguided vehicular acquisitions out of the way. Brace yourselves…

2. Stephen Ireland’s Resprayed Audi R8 (complete with ‘Superman’ petrol cap)

What with him playing for Man City at the time, it didn’t dawn on our Steve that buying a car in Man Utd colours may not be the smartest move.

A few choice words in his ear from fans and teammates alike soon saw him respraying the thing sky blue – not that it looked any less shite…

3. Stephen Ireland’s Hideous Bentley Convertible

Bought as a £260,000 gift for his equally tasteless girlfriend, Ireland had a white Bentley Convertible customised to document his love for her; paying £1,000 to have the iconic ‘B’ insignia on the bonnet changed to ‘JL’ (her initials) as well as having red leather seats fitted with a romantic message (‘To Jess, Love from Stephen’) and love hearts stitched into the headrests.

4. El Hadji Diouf’s Gold-Plated Cadillac Escalade

*Gip* Just when you thought you couldn’t despise him any more than you already do, he goes and gets his plasticky Yank thug wagon gilded…

5. William Gallas’ Chrome Mercedes McClaren

Seen here squeaking inconspicuously out of the Emirates carpark in a hulking great mirrorball on wheels…

6. David Beckham’s Jeep Wrangler

Must come in handy when tackling the various combat zones throughout downtown Beverly Hills…

7. Wayne Rooney’s Ford Ka

The ‘sports’ model, no less…

8. Nile Ranger’s ‘Power Ranger’ Range Rover

And to think, some bilge rat even tried to nick this £120,000 dollop of chintzy crap while Ranger himself was being arrested by traffic police in Newcastle. You won’t be surprised that the car was returned almost immediately..

9. David James’ Robin Reliant-of-Shame

Back when Portsmouth had two pennies to piss on, manager Tony Adams forced the player who performed worst at training to drive a knackered old 1992 Robin Reliant to training the next day. James, believe it or not, was at the wheel most days.

Over the years, the Pompey players chipped in on ‘modifications’ for the three-wheeler, until it mutated into a five-wheeled, cut-and-shut A-Team-themed monstrosity you see before you…

At least Jamo was happy!

10. Jermaine Pennant’s Low-Key Chrome Aston Martin

Perfect for the busy footballer who finds himself misplacing his £200,000 sports car all the time…

11. Thomas Vermaelen’s Nissan Figaro

When the Verminator signed a new Arsenal contract a while back, Robin van Persie (remember him?) outed the Belgian as a secret Nissan owner, telling him it was high time to ‘get rid of the Figaro and buy a deeeeeecent car!’ Who knows if he actually went ahead and part-exchanged the old jalopy in for a slick new Cube?

12. Robert Earnshaw’s Daft Hummer

Regularly spotted, seemingly abandoned in the City Ground carpark: ‘Ickle Robert Earnshaw’s vast hummer. How on Earth did he reach the pedals? Rumour is he went and got it sprayed bright canary yellow at some point…

13. Benoit Assou-Ekotto’s Smart Car

No grown man should ever drive a Smart car. There, we said it…

14. Shaun Wright-Phillips’ Big Boy Trike

Not strictly a car, though SWP’s not strictly a footballer either…

15. Shay Given’s Piaggio Ape

Happy as a pig in shit…

Bonus: Djibril Cisse’s Airbrushed Chrysler (c/o Mr Sensible)

Complete with bonnet art, a homage to his daughter Ilona…

Any more for any more Pies fans?