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15 Spectacularly Craptacular Footballers’ Cars

By Chris Wright

Footballers, eh? Masters of making the supposedly exclusive and luxurious look well and truly nasty – and their cars are no exception…

1. Stephen Ireland’s Pink-Trim Range Rover

We’ll start by getting all of Stephen Ireland’s infamously misguided vehicular acquisitions out of the way. Brace yourselves…

2. Stephen Ireland’s Resprayed Audi R8 (complete with ‘Superman’ petrol cap)

What with him playing for Man City at the time, it didn’t dawn on our Steve that buying a car in Man Utd colours may not be the smartest move.

A few choice words in his ear from fans and teammates alike soon saw him respraying the thing sky blue – not that it looked any less shite…

3. Stephen Ireland’s Hideous Bentley Convertible

Bought as a £260,000 gift for his equally tasteless girlfriend, Ireland had a white Bentley Convertible customised to document his love for her; paying £1,000 to have the iconic ‘B’ insignia on the bonnet changed to ‘JL’ (her initials) as well as having red leather seats fitted with a romantic message (‘To Jess, Love from Stephen’) and love hearts stitched into the headrests.

4. El Hadji Diouf’s Gold-Plated Cadillac Escalade

*Gip* Just when you thought you couldn’t despise him any more than you already do, he goes and gets his plasticky Yank thug wagon gilded…

5. William Gallas’ Chrome Mercedes McClaren

Seen here squeaking inconspicuously out of the Emirates carpark in a hulking great mirrorball on wheels…

6. David Beckham’s Jeep Wrangler

Must come in handy when tackling the various combat zones throughout downtown Beverly Hills…

7. Wayne Rooney’s Ford Ka

The ‘sports’ model, no less…

8. Nile Ranger’s ‘Power Ranger’ Range Rover

And to think, some bilge rat even tried to nick this £120,000 dollop of chintzy crap while Ranger himself was being arrested by traffic police in Newcastle. You won’t be surprised that the car was returned almost immediately..

9. David James’ Robin Reliant-of-Shame

Back when Portsmouth had two pennies to piss on, manager Tony Adams forced the player who performed worst at training to drive a knackered old 1992 Robin Reliant to training the next day. James, believe it or not, was at the wheel most days.

Over the years, the Pompey players chipped in on ‘modifications’ for the three-wheeler, until it mutated into a five-wheeled, cut-and-shut A-Team-themed monstrosity you see before you…

At least Jamo was happy!

10. Jermaine Pennant’s Low-Key Chrome Aston Martin

Perfect for the busy footballer who finds himself misplacing his £200,000 sports car all the time…

11. Thomas Vermaelen’s Nissan Figaro

When the Verminator signed a new Arsenal contract a while back, Robin van Persie (remember him?) outed the Belgian as a secret Nissan owner, telling him it was high time to ‘get rid of the Figaro and buy a deeeeeecent car!’ Who knows if he actually went ahead and part-exchanged the old jalopy in for a slick new Cube?

12. Robert Earnshaw’s Daft Hummer

Regularly spotted, seemingly abandoned in the City Ground carpark: ‘Ickle Robert Earnshaw’s vast hummer. How on Earth did he reach the pedals? Rumour is he went and got it sprayed bright canary yellow at some point…

13. Benoit Assou-Ekotto’s Smart Car

No grown man should ever drive a Smart car. There, we said it…

14. Shaun Wright-Phillips’ Big Boy Trike

Not strictly a car, though SWP’s not strictly a footballer either…

15. Shay Given’s Piaggio Ape

Happy as a pig in shit…

Bonus: Djibril Cisse’s Airbrushed Chrysler (c/o Mr Sensible)

Complete with bonnet art, a homage to his daughter Ilona…

Any more for any more Pies fans?

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By Chris on August 24th, 2012 in FAIL, Featured, Funnies, Photos. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

27 Responses to “15 Spectacularly Craptacular Footballers’ Cars”

  1. lisa says:

    the jeep wrangler is cool! the robin reliant story is funny…calamity can laugh at himself at least

  2. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, the Wrangler is deeecent!

  3. Mr. Chopper says:

    El Hadji Diouf also had the same car as Gallas for a while –

    Imagine my surprise when my wife (then girlfriend) arrived home to say she’d be propositioned by a goon in a chrome Mclaren to see if she wanted to “go party” at 2 in the afternoon. Stupid numberplate she said. “Blimey,” thinks I, having seen the recent story about Gallas’s prize penis-extender, “Gallas in Manchester? He must be signing for United! And why the blue rocket is he asking you to party?! Maybe he’s going to City!”

    Turns out it was Diouf. Worst. Reveal. EVER.

  4. squiggle says:

    The Jeep Wrangler is loathesome but I rather like the Smart Car.

    And the Nissan Figaro is beautiful, you philistine.

  5. Anchorman says:

    I absolutely love the SWP comment…Hilarious!

  6. plops says:

    I knew a dealer who drove a Smart car. He said it would keep the coppers away.

  7. Neil says:

    In what world is the Wrangler cool….hulking eyesore it is. Smart car makes sense in London traffic.

  8. Davy says:

    I used to have a smart car…..There I said it, until I didnt quite get the round bit of a roundabout and went straight over, needless to say my smart car didnt look so smart after that and neither did I hmmmm ya bastad

  9. lisa says:

    @neil… the photo is misleading in scale, they are actually quite small! about the length of a compact car. nothing like the ghastly hummer etc

  10. pray4muamba says:

    football players logic: we want to be low key when we go out in public so we dont cause a scene. SOLUTION: buy a chrome mercedes…cause rich people don’t drive those, right?

  11. Tom says:

    that nissan is lovely

  12. Jo says:

    The Figaro is a classic and doesnt belong on this list.

    When you are one of the youngest players in the squad you just shouldnt ride a tricycle. Im looking at you, Shaun…

  13. wolfinho says:

    how do you drive a chrome car when the sun is shining? the hood/bonnet would blind you!

  14. sleeba says:

    …then of course, there’s Joey(sorry) Joe Barton’s pimped up ride

  15. Jarren says:

    Full respect to Assou-Ekotto for driving a Smart.

    I can’t stand all those chrome / gold plated luxury cars, they just scream “twat”.

    If I had millions, I’d buy a Volkswagen 1600 TL Fastback.

    Google it. If you’re over the age of 30 you’ll remember them.

  16. garza says:

    Ey, don’t knock the Wrangler. It’s a great mid-size 4-wheeler. And it’s a surprisingly low-key car (in terms of price) for someone like Becks to be driving… although I agree that there isn’t much opportunity to use its key attributes in the urban jungle that is LA (and no, despite its roots it’s not for combat, even with the CoD package you can add on, it’s a trek vehicle).

  17. Mr Sensible says:

    Djibril Cisse’s car with his daughter’s face spray painted on the bonnet.

  18. XYZZZ says:

    Poor El Hadji Poof got that abomination of a car confiscated due to unpaid taxes though. Couldn’t happen to a nicest scum… ehem, chap

  19. lethal says:

    referring to the Escalade as a “Yank thug wagon” does seem a bit racist, doesn’t it?

  20. James says:

    No way the Figaro should be on this list!

  21. William says:

    lol I quite like the Nissan Figaro and Ireland should just be banned from buying any car lol.

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